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DH totally unable to prioritise

(12 Posts)
BoobyNooby Sun 19-Jul-15 13:32:46

And it fucks me off. This weekend has been taken up with a diy job that was totally unnecessary.

He just does whatever pops into his head whenever he feels like it and doesn't give a second thought to what the rest of us (me and 2 small DDs) are doing. It's not quite selfishness but just a general lack of awareness about anyone else. He seems to think that because it's a diy job that it's ok for him to opt out of family life and just do it.

He doesn't get that the DDs need entertaining and attention and that actually I look forward to being able to share that responsibility come a weekend rather than spending another day scrabbling around for things to do. Sure the diy stuff needs doing but his complete lack of ability to plan it around us pisses me right off.

Yet if I say anything I get accused of putting him in a lose-lose situation.

Big far ugh.

BoobyNooby Sun 19-Jul-15 13:33:45

Big fat ugh.

lilacclery Sun 19-Jul-15 13:40:00

boobynooby know exactly where you're coming from dh is the same, apparently if he doesn't do all these outdoor jobs our house will fall down.

Last Sat he was off work & I still ended up dressing two children & bringing them to an eye test with me, doing the grocery shopping & cooking all meals. It's nearly easier when he's at work at least I'm not expecting someone to share the load then

RobotHamster Sun 19-Jul-15 13:40:24

Similar situation here really. Took a while, but he gets if now, finally that he can't just do his own thing all weekend, every weekend.

Buggering off for the weekend a couple of times seemed to make him realise how much there was to do, and that it needs to be a shared responsibility at weekends. Also, just asking what he has planned and pointing out that I have stuff to do too!

BoobyNooby Sun 19-Jul-15 13:42:49

It goes right from the big things like this whole weekend to the little things - dd2 will be yelling for breakfast but he'll be making himself a coffee or unloading the dishwasher......

I don't seem to be all to get through to him for love nor money. He just doesn't get it.

nothanksbyenow Sun 19-Jul-15 13:42:59

You could be describing my DH. Sometimes he does it when we already have plans to go out. He'll say it needs doing and 'it'll only take xxx amount of time'. It takes longer than he estimates, he then takes ages to get cleaned up & dressed, and can't understand why it's a problem. What pisses me off the most is half the time he'll appear in the doorway of wherever we are and expect us (2 small DDs and me) to be waiting and all ready to go. Never mind they've got into a game or its got so late they need a snack / drink.


Not got much helpful to say, except that on occasion I'll put my foot down and he sulks about it. I just ignore the sulking and we get on with our day.

Does he learn? Does he hell.

He is v independent though, I've trained him to relax on other things, but his inner 'to do list' is always is priority. At least the house is in good nick. Good with the bad and all that...

Skiptonlass Sun 19-Jul-15 13:45:32

Ahhh... The type of man who thinks that putting up a shelf is the pinnacle of domestic achievement, then leaves the wife to do twenty hours of cooking, cleaning and child wrangling.

I absolutely get why you're pissed off.

Can you do the next job and issue him with a list of domestic tasks, then sit back with a beer and complain your dinner isn't ready? Put the shoe on the other foot ;)

Florriesma Sun 19-Jul-15 13:45:55

So what's wrong with saying" dh I have an eye test the dc are there. I'm going now"
Ditto food shopping
I wouldn't be martyring myself. If you have to juggle chores and children so does he.

It maybe that he sees his jobs as essential as the ones you see as essential, but it's not a free pass on looking after the kids.

After numerous major rows over housework we now do coordinate on a Saturday morning-so far it working well. Mind you there are some jobs where I am gleefully taking kids out rather than get stuck in. Decorating for one. My dh could probably start a thread about megrin

Viviennemary Sun 19-Jul-15 13:46:04

I think the best way is to divide the weekend up into section. Morning and afternoon. I used to go out to shops in town Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours and leave DH to it. Then he could do what he wanted for a few hours. Then family time on Sunday. It didn't always work of course and I did a bit of complaining but you both need to have some time to yourselves.

BoobyNooby Sun 19-Jul-15 13:48:15

He just thinks that if he has job to do, that releases him from anything else and I'm left there thinking ok so you're going to the tip, what the hell am I going to do with the children?

He knows I'm a bit bored frustrated being home with them full time (long story but I'm a reluctant SAHM at the mo) yet never seems to feel it's his responsibility to contribute ideas to our family time...

BoobyNooby Sun 19-Jul-15 14:03:02

Thank you for your advice. I'm softening / calming down a bit now but it's so infuriating when it happens.

We'll be finishing dinner and the DDs will start messing around because they're full/tired/had enough of sitting at the table and I'll be getting up thinking "we need to get them upstairs now" and he'll start doing something like hanging out the washing. Wonderful that the washing is getting hung out, not so great that the kids are getting irate.

I've insisted he take dd1 out this afternoon while dd2 naps but when he gets back I'm implementing new rules:

- diy can only be done if me and DDs have plans (ie kids party, visits to my parents) or if we can arrange for the DDs to go to their grandparents for a couple of hours. Otherwise the diy has to wait or can be done of a weeknight.

lilacclery Mon 20-Jul-15 05:32:07

florriesma I shouldn't have to spell it out he's an adult & I had said countless times I had an eye test. Way I see it, Dd5 has already figured out that although Mammy works fulltime she dedicates Sat & Sun to her & her bro dh doesn't so they'll remember who put them first.

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