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Would a counsellor advise this?

(7 Posts)
KoalatyControl Sun 19-Jul-15 12:07:31

My sister has been in a fairly crap relationship for the last 4.5 years (on and off). There's no point going into the details, let's just say, he is an arse and she has clearly had very low self esteem to put up with his shite for so long. She also had a very tough time with her exH.

They are both as bad as each other in some respects and she has generally accepted that there is no future and she needs to move on.

All her family and friends can't stand him due to the lack of care and respect he has shown her over the last few years. Although now she seems to have seen the light, he has become the perfect gentleman.

So she has been seeing a therapist to talk about why she ended up in this relationship. But has been seeing the BF all the while, even going on romantic weekends away with him (she is away with him now).

None of my business, but she is lying to my parents about where she is and as a woman in my thirties I'm pretty pissed off about being put in the middle and having to be all covert like when we were teenagers just because she can't cope with disapproval.

She says she is carrying on like this until she is ready to pull the plug permanently. At the moment she doesn't feel like she can face the pain of a breakup. She says her counsellor has told her it's ok to do this if this is what she wants.

Is this really advisable, to remain in a relationship you know has no future? Surely going on romantic weekends and spending quality time "just having fun" is just going to make it worse and confuse matters. Is this really what a counsellor would advise?

UrethraFranklin1 Sun 19-Jul-15 12:15:10

Its not a counsellors job to tell her what to do ir not to do. If your sister tells the counsellor that this is what she wants, I would imagine the counsellor has told her that her choices are her own to make.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sun 19-Jul-15 12:27:14

I agree with UF.
Counsellors help people make their own decisions...not the same as making decisions for them.
You could adopt the position of considering your sister's relationship(s) as private and decline to have yourself in the position of monitoring her activities. I understand you care for her don't want to see her hurt (again, again and again), but imho you can not control her life for her. If she won't take your advice then that is her choice too.

Isetan Sun 19-Jul-15 13:24:53

This has nothing to do with what a counsellor did or didn't say. If you feel like a teenager covering up for her dishonesty, then stop playing the part and don't cover up for her.

Your sister is an adult and it's her life, take a step back.

KittyandTeal Sun 19-Jul-15 13:29:38

I imagine that that's the way she has interpreted what her therapist has said

WhySoAngry Sun 19-Jul-15 14:50:08

'I imagine that's the way she has interpreted what her therapist has said'

Most likely.

BTW: the OP mentioned a counsellor not a therapist. Not the same thing. Therapists tend to be more interventionist than counsellors - which is why counsellors (often mentioned on here by default: 'Have you seen a counsellor?') - are not always the best choice in situations like this.

WhySoAngry Sun 19-Jul-15 14:52:05

My bad. Just read the original post again and the OP does say therapist - but uses the term interchangeably with counsellor. As above: generally not the same thing.

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