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Dating again after leaving an abusive marriage

(9 Posts)
throwingpebbles Sun 19-Jul-15 11:01:07

Just need reassurance, tips, advice etc really
I left emotionally abusive ex in November, have two young kids. I felt ready to start thinking about dating and I have just met someone and things are going really well, but every now and then I just shut down/ panic for no reason to do with anything he has done

He is also separated and has two young kids. He's been so understanding, but I just would love to learn from the wisdom of other people's experiences. I'm scared I'm going to push him away just because the baggage from my past makes it too hard for me to trust

throwingpebbles Sun 19-Jul-15 12:45:53

Bump x

woowoo22 Sun 19-Jul-15 12:54:39

In same situ as you OP (tho without the new man). Another bump.

Most of the time I think is it worth the hassle/potential hurt???

throwingpebbles Sun 19-Jul-15 12:59:02

I know, I just find myself looking at random men and even men I know and wondering if they are nasty behind closed doors too. I don't know how to begin to trust again and I am worried I am going to sabotage things just through shutting down because I am scared

APlaceOnTheCouch Sun 19-Jul-15 13:19:27

throwing have you had counselling to help you come to terms with your abusive relationship? It might help you to have faith in your own judgement and to detect warning signs sooner.

throwingpebbles Sun 19-Jul-15 13:35:47

I have had counselling while leaving the relationship but yes I think you are right that I need to start some more now

woowoo22 Sun 19-Jul-15 16:45:46

Me too, even on OD I discount men based on their pic due to not getting a good feeling, no idea if that is normal!!

truthaboutlove Sun 19-Jul-15 16:51:46

I am in the same position. I found I was just messing people around, arranging dates then cancelling for vague reasons. I am taking a break until I feel I'm not going to do that any more.

If you have met someone nice, just make sure you can take it at your pace. What I found offputting was chatting to someone online, then swapping numbers, then they would be texting morning, noon and night. Then I would meet someone once and they would be pushing to come over to my place with a bottle of wine for a shag far too soon (I live with my dc but that didn't seem to bother them.)

Just see how it goes if he's a nice guy?

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 19-Jul-15 17:15:49

Throwing I completely get where you're coming from. I left an EA marriage after 15 years and shortly afterwards met a lovely guy.

Obviously nobody is perfect and he came with his own issues, but my sensitivity and emotional barriers have definitely not helped.

Luckily he has been willing to do some work on his own problems but I haven't really done much to try and move on from my past relationships and still treat him as if he is the enemy sometimes.

I have tried to arrange some counselling recently as there is a worry that even after 3 years together I will just shut down and cut him out to protect myself from a perceived threat.

Him reducing the level of 'threat' has obviously helped a lot (ie realising that his confrontational style of arguing is inappropriate with me) but I think some outside help is definitely required for me to he things straight in my head.

It also helps to run things past the MN jury (& a small group of friends I originally met on MN but now know in real life too) so keep talking to people about things that concern you and you'll get a sense of whether your boundaries are fair and sensible.

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