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Worried sick, this might be it for us

(11 Posts)
notnearlythereyet Sun 19-Jul-15 03:27:55

Backstory: both early thirties, I have a DC from a previous relationship, been together for five yers, no DC together.

It started a few months ago, DP going out more with people from work, staying behind at work. Our communication at home is a couple of chats here and there but i feel like he prefers to watch tv on his mobile than talk to me. He mentioned talking to someone at work more and more, also on nights out. He was out on Thursday and she was there too. It may be nothing, but I know they have been texting each other, her more than him, and ever since he came back (rolled in drunk) that night I just can't shake off this feeling that something is not right. He's been shouting/slamming doors/swearing every time I mention that night and how disappointed I was that he came home drunk again, very very late. Usually he is apologetic but this time (and one time before) he told me to get the fuck out of his flat when I said we can't go on like this. Later apologetic etc. The more I write, the more I realise- he is a total bastard. But day to day he is mostly ok, can be nice if he wants to. We have good times together, but I feel so betrayed now I don't know if I can go on.

Back to that night- I could not sleep for hours after he came back. I woke up and could not shake of that strange feeling that something has happened. Still hardly speaking to him, but just can't sleep, I lie awake and literally in physical pain, like he broke something in me.

I so wanted for this to work after my shit relationship with DCs dad and we were happy for the first three- four years. We have a place together which complicates things, I just cannot bear the thought of moving DC somewhere else, selling up etc.

Sorry if this is chaotic, I guess my question is what do I do? I suppose his arguments are that I drink too (yes I do at home once or twice a week, 3-4 glasses of wine), that I do not look after the house enough- I can be a a bit messy but more than pull my weight around the house. Is it worth sticking it out? WWYD?

shiteforbrains Sun 19-Jul-15 03:45:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 19-Jul-15 04:10:24

It sounds as if he's in the process of checking out of your relationship and I would suggest you calmly ask him whether he sees a long term future for the two of you and, if so, whether he's willing to attend couples counselling so that you can discuss whatever issues you have with each other in a neutral place and in a non-judgemental manner with a view to regaining the happiness you once shared.

It may be that you won't like his answer, but living in the way you describe can cause resentments to fester and grow into open contempt and hostility and, given his shouting/slamming doors/swearing, it already seems as if it's not a suitable environment for your dc to be raised in.

If this relationship came to an end is it inevitable that you'd have to sell up? Are you both named on the mortgage and, if so, could you take it on while he rents/buys elsewhere?

AnyFucker Sun 19-Jul-15 05:31:01

well, he sounds pretty vile to you so whether or not he is dipping his wick elsewhere I would say call it a day

notnearlythereyet Sun 19-Jul-15 08:25:46

Goddess the problem is I am not sure I want counselling myself, I feel hurt and repulsed by his actions. I don't think he will agree to me keeping the house, we are both named and none of us can afford to buy the other one out. AnyFucker he is not the person I thought he was for sure, I am scared shitless of being on my own again though. I know this is not a reason to stay, it's so hard though, I never thought this would happen to us.

newstart15 Sun 19-Jul-15 08:39:19

I think you need to look at why you feel so scared to be on your own.What are your fears?

Myturnnow4 Sun 19-Jul-15 08:43:32

he is a total bastard. But day to day he is mostly ok

That's not good enough is it sad? I would say that if you are open to the option of staying together, then suggest counselling to him. If you are open to the option of splitting amicably, then also suggest counselling.

I am two weeks down the line of my 14 year relationship ending and a lot of the experience has been fucking scary and painful. But there have been other emotions and experiences too.

Dowser Sun 19-Jul-15 09:15:59

Counselling would help you to explore your thoughts and feelings though with or without him.

If he wants your relationship to last then it's better for the two of you to go together. You can also go to relate to get things clearer in your minds if you are deciding to split up.

As your relationship stands right now it doesn't sound good. Is it the figment of your imagination or is he covering up his transgressions by being mean towards you.

That's what you need to know. Counselling will help you teasel the proble, out from the big ball of madness you have going round in your head right now which is not good .

Dowser Sun 19-Jul-15 09:16:19


cozietoesie Sun 19-Jul-15 09:29:51

It sounds as if you're mentally checking out of the relationship as well - just quailing at the thought of the practicalities.

How old is your DC and how do they get on with DP?

Myturnnow4 Tue 21-Jul-15 08:56:26

How are things OP?

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