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So hurt, so angry

(22 Posts)
Thevervedoesntwork Sat 18-Jul-15 23:34:21

Ex DH and I split 2 years ago after his affair. 4DC. I was a SAHM for years whilst he built his business up.

We split after I discovered his year long affair with OW. He still sees the DC regularly and contributes (the bare minimum) CSA. He will tell anyone who will listen they are his life but it's all bullshit. Because if they were he wouldn't have had an affair would he?

When we were together he was always talking about what we would do together, where we would go when the kids were older. Now I'm sat her eaking out a life on a low wage and CSA and he's off living the life we planned.

His girlfriend is a high earner and he left yesterday for a 3 week holiday travelling around Thailand/Malaysia. He has been sending DS pics of his hotel and where they are going and what they are doing. And I want to SCREAM aft how unfair it is. At how tricked I feel. At how he got me to have his DC and then fucked off and how he gets the best of both fucking worlds.

And I'm half a bottle of wine down so please excuse typos.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 18-Jul-15 23:49:23

Have another wine and keep railing at the injustice of it all as it's far better to let it out than keep it in.

Are you divorced? If so, how come you haven't benefitted financially from the business he spent every waking hour builidng up while you were a sahm?

StaceyAndTracey Sat 18-Jul-15 23:51:47

You are right, it's fucking unfair

springydaffs Sun 19-Jul-15 00:04:32

That's gut-wrenching op <cry> How to stamp all over your heart and your dreams! What a BASTARD sending the photos, knowing you'd see them.

Look. Being poor is neither here nor there. It's shit but it's not the end of the world. But having him rub your nose in the future you had planned is such a shitty thing to do, sooo painful.. but what's with him wanting to make an impression on you? Sounds like he's doing it for effect, wants a reaction from you - why? Don't give it to him. Don't let the bastard grind you down. He is a skank. Lucky her to have landed the slug hmm

You are well out. It may not seem like it now but you really are. Pick yourself up, don't look at the photos, avoid all evidence of his profligate lifestyle - literally turn aside as if your life depends on it. Because it does!

He isn't all he seemed. Behind the facade is a vapid space. No exotic holidays can make up for the gaping hole in his soul.

LIVE your life with all the strength you have flowers

Thevervedoesntwork Sun 19-Jul-15 00:16:51

Thank you all so much, I needed to hear someone say "actually yes that is bloody unfair and you have every right to be angry and upset, what a prick!"

I will heed your advice starting tomorrow.

And here's the real kicker. Have you seen that motivational film, it involves a man spreading out thousands of jelly beans and each one represents a day you are alive. He the seperates all the days you work, sleep, eat etc and shows you all the days you have left (not many), It then says "do you really want to waste these precious days being unhappy" and how you should appreciate and make the most of your days.

That fucker sent that video to me a week ago after an argument about him lying to the DC. Apparently he doesn't want to see me unhappy anymore and I should think about what I'm spending my jelly beans on. Fucking JELLY BEANS. What a prick.

reallybadday Sun 19-Jul-15 00:18:41

I can think of places to shove his jelly beans!

springydaffs Sun 19-Jul-15 00:40:13

Oh no <goes pale> - is that what's behind his monstrously selfish behaviour; the motivational cult, dished out to execs, swallowed whole, destroying lives, families...

Hate to sound like a fishwife but it won't last. It may last a while (brace yourself, look away) but he will ultimately crash and burn.

Meanwhile, your feet are on Terra firma (a bit TOO Terra firma at the mo re too brutal reality) and what you are investing in is real. As is your role as mummy to REAL children. You're doing it right, you're getting it right.

Block him and his insufferable, grotesque cult.

Thevervedoesntwork Sun 19-Jul-15 00:59:35

Springy I think I might love you tonight! Thank you

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sun 19-Jul-15 01:12:53

My story has similarities to yours. He married current wife with the ink barely dry on the divorce papers. She makes mega-bucks, and he had always wanted to live high on the hog. In order to do this, he needs to tolerate and co-exist with step-children who hate him, including one who is currently hospitalised with severe MH issues. About four years down the line, he accidently let slip to DD that if he had known what he was getting into, he might well not be there. He has paid a high price to live the life of a hog. As have the new family, who I have some sympathy for. I have enjoyed the fact that Karma seems to have bitten him on his arse though. Hopefully your day will come.

Maybe83 Sun 19-Jul-15 01:38:41

It's hell I spent years watching my ex and the ow living the live I thought I should of had. Holidays nights out, shopping trips etc. I was eaten up inside it took me a long long time to free my self of that anger and bitterness.

When I did I slowly started to build my own life my own nights trips etc. they weren't as fancy but they were mine. I then met my fab dh. He blows ex out of the water. I actually knew him during my blind madness and never noticed. So my advice drink the wine scream into the pillow and wake up tomorrow thinking fuck you. Enjoy your day for what it is and breath. X

AreYouSupposedToBeInIowa Sun 19-Jul-15 05:10:10

Verve all you have to do is wait fro the karma corkscrew of life to screw him. Just wait that is all. It will happen. Meanwhile smile and nod, smile and nod.

Iamalwayswrong Sun 19-Jul-15 05:31:54

No karma. Nothing like that will happen. Life is not a series of neat retributions. I'm not surprised that you feel angry and tricked. What a wank stain of a man.

What will happen though op, is that you will stop caring. You will have to stop looking at his life and comparing it to yours.

I wouldn't engage with him at all apart from basic arrangements for the dcs. If he lies to them, be their rock and pick up the pieces but don't talk to him about it.

Focus on your life. How are you going to make things better for you? Staring bitterly at his numb fuck of an arse as he skips off into the sunset is not going to help you at all. Start planning. You will feel a lot better.

ChipsOnChips Sun 19-Jul-15 05:38:47

I think "wait for karma" is really bad advice: karma is bullshit, life isn't fair and great things happen to bad people.

Do not make your happiness dependent on his unhappiness. OP I'm sorry you feel shit and I understand and why you do but focus on what you do have, build your life around that and take pleasure in your new future.

maybe83 words are wise

DoreenLethal Sun 19-Jul-15 07:27:42

'Thanks for the jelly bean analagy. The main thing to remember is that i am not spending any jelly beans in the company of a complete cunt. Which makes my heart sing. Wahoo'

truthaboutlove Sun 19-Jul-15 07:36:47

No I don't believe in karma either. It is what it is.

It is perfectly natural to feel the way you do. My exh swans about but pleads poverty when it comes to providing for his kids. He claimed his exotic holiday was for health reasons.

Hadron21 Sun 19-Jul-15 07:39:09

My friends ex was exactly the same. But it's the life he wants you to think he's having. He knows that you get to see the pics.
Now my friend and I get together every few months and look forward to the update on how his choices in life have given him the life he deserves.
You are doing the hard work - you are there for your children in mind and body. You get to make the choices and your children. You get to see them grow up into adults grateful they had a mum like you.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Sun 19-Jul-15 07:39:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummy0bummy Sun 19-Jul-15 07:43:29

I thought he was a dickhead until I read that he'd sent you the jellybean video. Now I think he's a FUCKING WANKER.

Agree that you need to cut all but essential contact. Where does he get off sending you such patronising crap? Living well is the best revenge, OP. And living well definitely doesn't include having that emotional loser in your life.

springydaffs Sun 19-Jul-15 12:36:44

I'm more into 'you reap what you sow' tbh. Plant a field of shit and, wait a while, up it'll come.

InTheBox Sun 19-Jul-15 12:57:37

You are fully entitled to feel as you do. He sounds despicable.
I also second the advice to renew your view on life. To put the focus back on you and your dcs. I think him sending the photos to your dc is so snake-like as to be astonishing.
A great deal of your anger stems from not only the affair but the life you were planning to have in the future. These emotions are entirely natural and indeed par for the course. I really feel for you as it's not easy now being the emotional rock for your dcs when you're feeling totally void of emotional strength. It's a process and you will go through it and come out the other end stronger and more capable than you'd believe.

Cabrinha Sun 19-Jul-15 13:13:51

If there was such a thing as karma, my XH wouldn't be about to swan off to Disneyworld with his girlfriend and her convenient similar aged daughter to ours, on the family holiday that I wanted. (Not Disneyworld as it happens, but - being a family)

I couldn't have a second child because he was cheating on me with prostitutes and I didn't want to catch something.

Now my daughter is singing excitedly about swimming with dolphins - without me. And all the while, he's having this lovely family life and still sleeping with those prostitutes hmm

So no, don't expect karma.

But - I HEAR you. And feel for you. And can only advise you to concentrate on your own happiness flowers

Anyone who goes for lame jelly bean shit, you are better off without!

BolshierAyraStark Sun 19-Jul-15 14:43:34

Doreen has the perfect reply to the jelly beans shit-it truly is excellent.
He is a cunt & you're better without him, the perfect revenge is your own happiness, forget about him & OW & get on with rebuilding a good life for you & DC.

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