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In love with a woman

(127 Posts)
AndAnotherThing1 Sat 18-Jul-15 23:10:10

I'm married with 2 DC and have never considered, even fleetingly, that I was anything other than heterosexual. My marriage is fine - with ups and downs and dull bits like all marriages. Around three years ago I started working with a woman my own age who is openly gay. I've always found her bright and fun and enjoy spending time with her but in the last year I have developed strong feelings for her. She has made it very clear that she feels the same. I am worried that our friendship could very easily tip over into something more. But equally worried that it won't. I am consumed by thoughts of her. I don't really know what advice I'm looking for but just wondered if anyone else has experienced a similar situation.

hollieberrie Sat 18-Jul-15 23:45:30

You're not teachers are you? ;)

Yes i have been through something very similar. It was intoxicating and I was crazily in love. It lasted for a couple of years but ended very very badly.

I know 2 other people who have been in the same situation and it didnt last in either case.

I'd advise you to proceed with caution.

BrowersBlues Sat 18-Jul-15 23:47:01

I haven't been in your situation but the only advice I can give is to consider whether or not you want to be unfaithful to your husband and consider the damage that the fallout from an affair might have on him and your DC.

I know it is very easy for me to say but maybe you should walk away from the temptation in front of you.

I read an interesting thread recently about a woman who assumed that she was hetrosexual and developed feelings for a woman and then realised that she was in fact gay. She had been trying to surpress the fact that she was gay all her life and was really struggling with it. It was really sad to read about the torment she was going through.

I wish I had some advice but I don't. Life can be so unpredictable. I hope things work out for you.

StaceyAndTracey Sat 18-Jul-15 23:53:18

Do y want to end your marriage and start a relationships with her ?

AndAnotherThing1 Sun 19-Jul-15 00:10:18

We're not teachers and I'm not looking to end my marriage. I just feel incredibly drawn to this woman. My attraction to her is emotional, physical and intellectual. It puts every other relationship I've had in the shade.

regularbutpanickingabit Sun 19-Jul-15 00:17:22

The fact you are attracted to a woman and didn't expect to be is romanticising a stark fact. You are married and need to decide if you want to remain so or not. Man or woman doesn't matter - if you have such strong feelings for someone else then you either need to distance yourself even if that means changing jobs and work bloody hard on your marriage or be fair to your husband and separate before going any further with an affair, be it emotional or physical.

hollieberrie Sun 19-Jul-15 00:33:06

My attraction to her is emotional, physical and intellectual. It puts every other relationship I've had in the shade.

I felt exactly like this. I was not married, but i was in a relationship with a man which i then ended to be with her. I couldn't have resisted at all, i was hopelessly and helplessly in love. I do wonder if same sex relationships are often more intense in this way - sexual, emotional, spiritual, everything.

If you genuinely dont want to risk your marriage then you probably need to cut your friendship with her and change jobs.

Inexperiencedchick Sun 19-Jul-15 00:38:41

Change your job, go NC and go back to your kids and DH.
Only by taking that action you can save your marriage and family.

Try to direct your thoughts somewhere else.

Good luck

nequidnimis Sun 19-Jul-15 08:16:14

What you are saying about this woman is what every unfaithful person in the history of the world has said about their OW/OM; you are not unique and this is not something special.

Don't turn into the sort of cheating scumbag who has an affair, your DH has done nothing to deserve being treated that badly.

And please don't think 'what he doesn't know won't hurt him', the cheaters' mantra, because there are enough threads on here from faithful partners to disprove that theory. They know in their hearts that something is wrong, feel their partner's emotional distance and preoccupation keenly, and go quietly mad wondering what they're doing wrong.

Cut all contact and focus on your marriage or leave honestly before embarking on any new relationship.

Yarp Sun 19-Jul-15 08:19:21

I agree. This is marginally more confusing, and definitely more intriguing than if this was a man, but it needs to be dealt with in exactly the same way.

StaceyAndTracey Sun 19-Jul-15 08:25:45

You said you don't want to end your marriage .

So unless you are planning to be a cheating scumbag who fucks up their kids and partners life, you have only one other option - stop seeing this woman and change jobs.

You've been attracted to her for a year and have done nothing to stop it . You've been playing with fire . Now grow up and end it

I agree with the other posters who say it doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman . What were you expecting - that people would congratulate you for your open mindedness or " finding yourself " sexually ?

CaptainHolt Sun 19-Jul-15 08:41:35

There have been 2 threads this weekend where OPs have fallen madly in love with women and seem to want to be told it's fine. Same sex relationships aren't some pale imitation of the real thing, same sex affairs aren't affair-lite. Grow the fuck up. Either leave your DH or stay with him but don't piss about pretending your affair is different and special and understandable because there isn't a penis in it.

somethingchanged40 Sun 19-Jul-15 08:43:45

I am going through exactly the same, OP, down to the feelings of intense romance, intellect, etc. I had similar replies to yours when I posted on here under a different name.

What has helped me is to think of mind as a crush for now. It has arisen because something is missing in my marriage. I would have said, like you, that my marriage was fine with its usual ups and downs. But through this episode I have identified a number of things that are not right. My needs are not being met and that's why this crush hit me for six.

I would ask you to consider doing similar. Think through what is missing in your marriage and either address that, or ultimately end the marriage. I am having a really tough time working through this. It doesn't help that I am hugely obsessed and fixated on the crush, who blows hit and cold - possibly because she knows I am married etc.

Someone gave me some extremely wise words about why this might happen, which was that we spend so much time focussing on our kids that, at done stage when they get bigger (perhaps at the time when our oestrogen levels fall and testosterone rises) we start to notice other things, away from the marital home. I know I am lacking stable females in my life, maybe mine is a bit of this. It has helped me to organise things with people, mostly females, to remember what healthy friendships look like. This also forces me to stop obsessing and fantasising over my crush.

Please keep stable and think through your needs. And talk it through. This may not necessarily be with your DH, but with us at this stage.

somethingchanged40 Sun 19-Jul-15 08:47:38

Sorry for typos. On phone in my quiet place! Hope my advice is a bit more practical. Please PM me if I can help you further.

Yarp Sun 19-Jul-15 09:40:16

Something

That's a great post. Good luck to you

Vernazza Sun 19-Jul-15 10:02:47

I've always found her bright and fun and enjoy spending time with her but in the last year I have developed strong feelings for her. She has made it very clear that she feels the same. I am worried that our friendship could very easily tip over into something more. "

Um.... news flash: it already HAS tipped over. If the OW has "made it very clear she feels the same", whether actual words have been spoken or not on this, the fact that you both know how the other feels and what you feel is an attraction far outweighing just friendship, then it is already an emotional affair.

You need to proceed on healing your marriage and saving your family life and not messing up your kids lives on that basis. If your marriage was relatively fine before this woman came along, then as Something said, it's a crush.

Please realise OP that things don't "just happen" whether that is an affair or building a strong marriage. An affair is not something you accidentally fall into - it comes about based on ignoring the little warning voice in your head and by making concrete decisions to do and say things that bring it about.

You really need to get your head out of the fluffy pink clouds and see this relationship for what it is: something that will destroy your marriage and bring devastation to the hearts of your husband and children. Is it worth it? Are you will to play with their lives and hearts? That's what's in the balance. Tread wisely.

somethingchanged40 Sun 19-Jul-15 11:27:05

Yarp Thank you so much. I am having a dreadful time of things, but there must be a reason as to why this is happening.

I've also learnt that it happens to a great deal of women. Somehow that encourages me. Not everyone has a happy, clappy love marriage 100% of the time and it is ok to consider leaving, even if you it doesn't happen.

Sometimes you have to write your own script in life. As pretty much everyone on this thread has said, things don't "just happen" in life. There has to be a sense of direction.

AndAnotherThing1 Sun 19-Jul-15 11:49:36

I know that affairs are awful and don't believe I am any less culpable simply because I wasn't actively seeking one. I also know the fact that I am in love with a woman rather than a man is immaterial. You're all right to say this is nothing new. But nothing on this relationship board ever is. It is just new for me. I'm not sure that renaming my feelings as a crush rather than love helps very much. They overwhelm me nonetheless but my desire not to hurt the innocent parties involved is equally as strong.

nequidnimis Sun 19-Jul-15 12:35:08

Yes this is new to you, but you have asked for advice and opinions, and you are receiving these from women who have already been through it.

I've been on here long enough to know that your current path will end disastrously for everyone involved.

My friend's DH felt like you when he embarked on an affair with a younger work colleague. He described it as love and all-consuming infatuation, that continued until his DW found out. He now says that, at the exact second the bubble burst, he realised what was important, and they are still working through the devastation.

Decide whether you want your marriage or this woman, please don't try to have both.

Isetan Sun 19-Jul-15 13:13:28

Renaming downgrading it to a crush is just a cynical attempt to continue what your doing.

Yarp Sun 19-Jul-15 14:18:56

Isetan

The OP did not say it was a crush, other posters did.

somethingchanged40 Sun 19-Jul-15 18:12:08

I disagree Isetan (and I was the one who suggested renaming it as a crush). Downgrading mine to a crush has helped enormously. After all, how can it possibly be love, based on a handful of (work or other) interactions? It takes time for love to grow but passion wanes fast. Understanding that it can only be passion and intimacy, without commitment, at this stage helped me to understand that this is infatuation and is occurring because my marriage lacks those two things right now. Hopefully this can help the OP to understand. Passion and intimacy can equal love, but they don't last without commitment. It sounds as though her marriage might have commitment but might lack passion and intimacy, and therefore she is finding those things in her crush.

Of course, it could grow into love, but none if us know that it would. And a stable marriage is a huge risk for those handful of interactions. This is how I am viewing mine, anyway. It is hard to come to terms with it, but downgrading from love to crush enables the different characteristics.

pinkfrocks Sun 19-Jul-15 19:28:08

I've been on here long enough to know that your current path will end disastrously for everyone involved.

This is only one scenario.

People leave marriages for other people all the time. yes, there is hurt but it's not always all doom and gloom forever.

I know a woman whose DH left her for her best friend round the corner.
They are now divorced, she has found love again with a man, who was single and has teenage DCs, ( he was widowed) and her ex H is marrying the 'OW'.

This has all been relatively civilised and the 'blended' families get on okay-ish.

People end up hurt when marriages end- and 40 % of them do.
Some people leave for someone else, some people just leave. Is the pain worse with the former? Debatable.

countryandchickens Sun 19-Jul-15 19:46:59

Hollie, why did you ask if they were teachers? confused

I also applaud somethings advice, and I would add - do you think your friendship with this woman gives you something you don't have elsewhere (not necessarily from your husband)?

When something similar happened to me, it was the feeling of security my friend gave me that I was craving. In a way she was something of a mother figure for me and I became very attached to her still miss her

Isetan Sun 19-Jul-15 19:56:49

Apologies, I misread.

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