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I want my ex back but can I give up the idea of not having children?

(37 Posts)
PenguinInTheFridge Sat 18-Jul-15 20:26:46

Hi,
I wanted to know if there is anyone that was in similar situation.
I was in a relationship with my partner for 6.5 years. He was saying from the beginning that he did not want to have children / or wasn't sure. We split up but I want to get back with him. I know that I should be in a relationship with someone that wants the same as me. BUT! I cannot imagine my life without him. I want him back no matter what.
Now I have few choices. I could either get back with him with the outcome that we may never have children. I started thinking about that. Now the idea of having kids scares me. The financial situation, the crying, winging, sleepless nights, school runs, etc etc. I don't know if I really want that. I see pregnant ladies or people with babies and I think: ahh, I do want this. But it's only the pregnancy and baby thing. Only the nice part. Not sure if I want the whole deal (or I'm at least trying to convince myself so I can stop wanting this and be with the love of my life).
Or the second option is: insemination. I do not want another man in my life so if you want to tell me that I will find someone I will want to be with, don't waste your time. I really don't want another relationship. The idea of meeting someone and getting to know them scares me even more. Been suffering with bad anxiety in the last couple of years and the get to know someone is just pure hell. I would not put myself through that. So even if I meet someone who might ask me out (god forbid I might think that myself would have the same outcome): I will cut out all contact with this person. So the only choice is through insemination.
Sorry to be ranting on here. But has anyone been in similar situation? Did you give up wanting to have kids or did you give up the love of your life and done it alone? Please let me know. I really could use some help and hear similar stories.
Thanks.

kittensinmydinner Sat 18-Jul-15 20:34:22

How old are you op ? It is relevant to any advice we can give.

mistymeanour Sat 18-Jul-15 20:36:25

I think that if you are suffering from bad anxiety that you should see a doctor to discuss some medication or cbt etc. If you feel calmer and have better coping strategies then you will be able to think more clearly.

Has you ex given you any indication that he would also like to get back together again and if so has his position re children changed?

ouryve Sat 18-Jul-15 20:37:32

Pregnancy isn't always the nice part, to be honest. You won't see the mothers who are having a crap time of it. They're probably in bed.

pocketsaviour Sat 18-Jul-15 20:37:52

Bad anxiety and single pregnancy/motherhood is not a good mix.

You've just said that if someone asked you out, you would never speak to them again. Now I'm well known for being happily single, but that's a little extreme even for me.

Are you receiving any treatment for your anxiety?

Until you are in a place where you are happy with yourself and your anxious feelings are under control, I do not think you should make any decisions with lifelong consequences.

SassyPasty Sat 18-Jul-15 20:39:32

If you think that pregnancy and baby hood (so a period of about 21 months) is the only 'nice' part of having a child then don't. You've at least another 15 years of the not 'nice' bit (in your words) hmm

Molotov Sat 18-Jul-15 20:40:32

So, you're either going to have a child with this man, or have one alone? Those are the two narrow options you've given yourself?

How old are you? How long have you been separated from your ex?

truthaboutlove Sat 18-Jul-15 20:43:38

Did you break up over your differences about this? Or something else? Is it a good relationship otherwise?

ReallyNotMe Sat 18-Jul-15 20:46:58

I was in a relationship for 5 years from age 28 to 33 with a guy who didn't want kids and I had more or less decided not to have them so that we could stay together. He then ended the relationship out of the blue and went and got another woman pregnant.
I was very lucky in that I went on to have my DD (with another man) when I was 37.
It's so, so hard and only you know what you can live with really. I am much happier now than I could have imagined I would ever be without my ex.

PenguinInTheFridge Sat 18-Jul-15 20:48:14

Thanks all. I'm 32 and he's 39.
My anxiety only kicks in when I'm not comfortable with something / around someone. So I avoid those scenarios.
I recently went for a drink with a friend of a friend and did not sleep a wink that night. Must have been the alcohol as well as being out of my comfort zone. So I made the decision not doing this ever again. I just don't want anyone else apart from my ex. I know it sounds harsh but unfortunately, that's how I feel.
I try not to take any medication apart from natural ones. I drink plenty of chamomile tea and avoid alcohol when it gets bad.
I have not been in contact with my ex. We're going through "no contact period". I'm meant to concentrate on myself and on my happiness but I just came to realization that my happiness is with him.
So now I don't know if I could give up the idea of kids. I want him back so much.

Dowser Sat 18-Jul-15 20:53:46

Counselling?

I know someone who had no partner but desperately wanted to be a mother and she was more than 10 years older than you with the clock ticking.

She's now the mother of triplet toddlers and very fulfilled.

( she also had a full team behind her helping to manage night feeds. Not all AI results in one baby)

Twinklestein Sat 18-Jul-15 20:54:07

I agree that bad anxiety does not mix well with pregnancy.

If a friend of a friend makes you anxious, how do you cope with life generally? With work? With socialising?

Avoiding situations that make you anxious, is not the answer, you have to tackle the issue itself. Otherwise you'll end up avoiding more and more.

You won't automatically feel 'comfortable' with a newborn, even the most calm first time mothers feel thrown into the deep end. Newborns are basically stress + no sleep. I don't see how you would cope with that on your own.

PenguinInTheFridge Sat 18-Jul-15 20:55:56

Thruthaboutlove we've split up about 6 months ago. He ended it with me saying that we want different things.
Truthfully, I think he got scared. We had to move out of our house we were renting. We were saving for a deposit on a house we wanted to buy later this year. So when it came to crunch time, move together or go our separate ways, I think he picked the easier choice. We were happy (arguing just like anyone else).
Now I feel like I've lost my best friend as well. And I don't have that many friends (mainly supportive ones) which is all the harder. sad

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sat 18-Jul-15 21:02:12

Does he want toget back together?

PenguinInTheFridge Sat 18-Jul-15 21:04:04

dowser I thought of counseling but then if I would go through artificial insemination, I don't think it will go in my favor having counseling.
Twinklestein Generally I'm fine. socializing with the few friends I've got every chance I get.
Work is bit more tricky. I'm having a bad years. Not only I had to move, lost a boyfriend and lost a job as well. Seemed like everything that could go wrong in my life went wrong in the first half of this year.

Twinklestein Sat 18-Jul-15 21:09:21

I'm really sorry that you've had all these issues. I honestly think you need some help.

Not sleeping a wink after seeing a friend of a friend would not be most people's definition of 'generally... fine'. Nor would deciding you can never have another relationship (other than with this guy) at the age of 32.

It sounds like you're putting a brave face on it, but that you're really not ok. smile

Lambzig Sat 18-Jul-15 21:10:24

Could I very gently ask do you think you still have him as an option if he ended it six months ago? I hope that's ok to ask.

I agree with Twinkle that avoiding situations that make you anxious really isn't a good plan as you may find those limits getting smaller and tighter. Perhaps starting to deal with that would help you decide on a future.

PenguinInTheFridge Sat 18-Jul-15 21:10:26

Eric I don't know. We're not talking right now.
I'd like to think he would.
In the last 2 years when we've argued, I would ask him what is the point in us being together when we want different things. I would never brake up with him as I love him too much to lose him. He would keep changing his mind (about kids) and he would tell me he doesn't ever want to lose me. So after it all ended this year so suddenly, I was confused. How can you say you don't want to lose someone when you love them yet brake up with them?

Rebecca2014 Sat 18-Jul-15 21:14:35

He doesn't want be with you. You planned to buy a house together, he bailed out and left you. He is a 39 year old man, surely he is not scared of commitment at that age.

I tell you, it is for the best. Accept the situation and move on, time a great healer.

PenguinInTheFridge Sat 18-Jul-15 21:22:11

twinkle I guess that's why I'm here. getting some sort of help. I'm honestly fine, or as much as I can be given the circumstances. I am probably putting a brave face on as well. I cry when I need to when I'm alone as my friends don't seem to be that supportive. at least not all of them. I'm quite solitary person and always like watching people from the corner rather than interfere. That's just not me. I don't feel comfortable with people nor do I know how to interact with people (in person).
lamb of course it's ok to ask that question. ;) very politely too! yes, I think there is still an option. even though it all ended 6 months ago, we still have to live together for another month and a half and after this I was trying to keep contact but was not a good idea. As I needed time to myself as well. so the no contact period's been for just over 2 months. and I've got a friend (who's a girlfriend of his brother) that's helping me get through this. She split up from her boyfriend too and got him back. different story but still. So I hope that my story will end the same. just need to decide if I want to have kids or not. I really feel like I do but then I think of the reality and not sure about it. why is life so damn hard?

goddessofsmallthings Sat 18-Jul-15 21:34:28

I just don't want anyone else apart from my ex. I know it sounds harsh

It doesn't sound harsh but it does sound as if you're in an emotionally unhealthy place.

Why have you split up with your ex? Whose idea was it to have a period of no contact and for how long will this continue?

Your story sounds familiar. Have you posted before?

Twinklestein Sat 18-Jul-15 21:35:33

We can support you all you like, but we can't give you professional help, which is what it sounds like you need.

Bogeyface Sat 18-Jul-15 21:49:53

How would you feel if you decided to go back to him, only to find he had moved on?

I am asking because one of your two options is based on the assumption that he would want to get back together (he finished with you, so less likely than if you have finished it) and that he isnt in a new relationship.

PenguinInTheFridge Sat 18-Jul-15 21:58:44

goddess no, I've not posted before. I'm new here. we agreed that it would be for the best to split up if we wanted different things. However, I wanted to work things out and not throw the last 6 years away like it was nothing. the no contact period is so we can both get some time alone and try and get to terms with the break up. and to concentrate on yourself a bit. become a bit more positive and happy with yourself and whatever outcome may be. I came to realize that I cannot imagine my life without him and want him back all the more. some might say that I'm in denial (quite possibly true) but I'd say that I know what I want.
People keep telling me that I'm better off without him but no one knows what my relationship was like. Only me and him know that. and then there's the minority that will listen and try giving me advice on how to get him back.
I just really wanted to know if someone was in similar situation where they wanted to have kids but their partner didn't.
Everyone is different and not many stories I've read, but some stay together and sometimes men change their minds and have a child with their partner or sometimes they don't have kids and the person that wanted them will be happy with the loved one without kids?

PenguinInTheFridge Sat 18-Jul-15 22:07:17

bogeyface I know this may sound cliché but I know him. He is a solitary as me, more so even. He just wanted the single life without any problems that he would have had with me. Financial situation and sleepless night with kids if we were to have any. Classical man syndrome. Gets scared because his life will change and they don't like it.
Please correct me if I'm wrong but isn't that true 80% man cases if they don't want kids? Once they do, they very often adore their kids and laugh why they haven't done it sooner.
And him being in another relationship is just impossible. Sorry, but I just know him. He would be too much into his music or bike.
Plus he really loved me.
It would be too soon for him to be in another relationship if he ever would be in one. He wasn't in one before we got together and that was quite a long time since his last one. so I'm pretty sure he won't move on.
The only thing could be that he would not want me back for don't know what reason. His stubbornness maybe? Well he met his match in me. ;)

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