I don't know if this belongs in relationships but anyway. I just had what I guess was a fight over the phone with a very good (gay male) friend. We were chatting idly about dating and I said I had been chatting to someone in another city who seemed nice. He said he could not understand my approach, why even bother with someone that far away, why don't I just look for men in real life instead of looking online. He's always critical, I feel, but never has any constructive advice. I asked him specifically what he thought I should do, he said he had no idea, I tried to change the subject but he kept on about my approach being totally wrong, saying I come across as desperate (do I?) and wouldn't drop it. Finally I asked (in what I thought was a joking tone) if I should use his method, which was to go out to a bar, get so drunk he doesn't remember clearly what happened, and bring a stranger home? He did this a couple months ago (not at all usual for him) and met someone who happens to be very nice, if very young. (Back story: he had a partner for 9 years who died a year and a half ago. He is of course still grieving. I didn't know him then, we've become friends since.)
He got really angry and accused me of attacking and insulting him. I said I wasn't I had just stated the facts as he related them to me in some detail, and did he think that was a good strategy for a woman my age (52)? He got very angry and told me my problem wasn't the lack of men, but my character, my low self-esteem. He also said I was jealous, jealous of him with his new friend, jealous of a friend of mine who recently got married, jealous of a lovely colleague of ours and her new bf. Etc.
That's all true. It's all true. I am jealous. I want very much to be happy for other people, I think they deserve it. I thought though that I was pretty good at hiding my envy, but apparently not. I feel he's just split me open and exposed all the ugliness inside me. I apologized, he apologized, I cried and am still crying and thinking how did I get to be this age and still so fucked up and immature in some ways?
I don't know what I expect anyone to say to me. Slap me around a bit, give me some advice about how to be a better person, how to get rid of jealously and honestly be happy for others.
Sorry if this is stupid and self-indulgent.
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Relationships
Confronted with the ugly side of my character
12 replies
PecanSandy · 18/07/2015 13:22
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