My first Al anon

[jugglingmonkey]

I did it, and it was okay. I didn't say much, and felt a bit of a fraud, some people there in it far worse than me.

But tonight DH has done it again. He has been out drinking all day, promised me he'd be home by 9.30pm, still no sign. I called him and he just mouthed off at me about 'hounding him with bullshit'.

This is on the back of many many many episodes of a similar nature. We have 18 month old DS and I'm pregnant. I've recently been off work with stress/anxiety.

The last time we fell out about his drinking was Tuesday.

What do I need to do next? He has clearly got no respect whatsoever for me or my boundaries anymore. Booze is priority no.1, very evidently.

Things were so bad earlier this week we even discussed separation. He came home with flowers, grovelling, 'I can't be without you'. Three fucking days later here we are.

Is a trial separation the only thing that will send a clear message?

[stargirl1701]

Honestly...you need to leave. Alcoholics are really selfish and always choose alcohol before anyone and anything else. No matter what you say or do, he won't put you or your children before drinking. It's a shit way to live for both spouse and children.

[jugglingmonkey]

Do I ask him to go?

[jugglingmonkey]

Or could I ask him to quit booze properly, not just cut down, as has been my approach so far.

[stargirl1701]

Does he accept he has a problem? Is he in a programme like AA? If so, then a trial separation may work as it would give you both space.

If it was my life and my children, I would ask him to go.

[CalleighDoodle]

It is either no alcohol and AA or he leaves.

[kittybiscuits]

You can only work on your own boundaries. You cannot work on his boundaries. Please keep seeking help and support for yourself. You must feel very vulnerable right now. He sounds nowhere close to accepting that he has a problem.

[WixingMords]

He can't cut down. It's all or nothing.

You can tell him to leave (when he's sober) or you can give him an ultimatum, you and his children or booze. The two aren't compatible. You have to be prepared though for him to choose booze and then come back grovelling. But if he chooses drink don't give him another second chance.

I say all this as someone married to an alcoholic.

[cozietoesie]

...He came home with flowers, grovelling, 'I can't be without you'...

Which might well have been quite moving - but it's still all about him isn't it?

[WixingMords]

I should add when I gave my ultimatum I chose a time when he was sober, I remained calm and I had it worked out where he was going should he need to leave. I told him I loved him and I wanted to be with him but I could no longer live with his drinking.

[CalleighDoodle]

It is. Youre right. And worth more

[WixingMords]

Oh and by the way there will ALWAYS be worse off than you. Just like in AA, if he goes, there will be 'worse' alcoholics than him.

It doesn't mean your life with him drinking isn't bad. You deserve better than this.

[WixingMords]

Sorry that should be "ALWAYS be someone worse off than you in Al Anon"

[jugglingmonkey]

I have it planned.... Why am I doubting myself? I'm not crazy or unreasonable, I'm sure of it. He makes me think I am. How can a drunk, verbally aggressive man have me even entertaining the idea that I'm being too hard on him?

He can stay with his parents. Or he can choose me, his children, and AA.

He does admit to the booze being a problem yes. But only when sober, and only after a spectacular fight. Usually accompanied by promises to curb it, cut down, change...

[jugglingmonkey]

He has just come in and gone straight to the spare room. I just want to fucking cry. How has this happened to us?

[cozietoesie]

Did your DH know you were attending Al Anon?

[cozietoesie]

How long has he been drinking to excess?

[jugglingmonkey]

Years, long before I met him. His family only revealed it to me after our wedding (a bit whirlwind). I never picked up in it because I was a social drinker before DS too. Just though DH was a bit of a lightweight. How wrong I was.

He doesn't know, no.

[WixingMords]

You're where I was over a year ago. It's frightening that's why you're doubting. You feeling that your too hard on him because this is normal for you.

You may need to go speak to his parents about him going there. I told my husband that, in the morning I gave him the ultimatum, I would be talking to his parents later that day. I also looked up were AA meetings were and told him.

You can do this.

[cozietoesie]

What would be the upside and downside of you two splitting up? (For you and the children I mean.)

[jugglingmonkey]

How has it worked out for you Wixing?

[WixingMords]

Yes it did. I am happy with life now.

[jugglingmonkey]

Upside: I don't worry every time he goes out. I won't feel like a controlling bitch. DC's won't see DH in the state he's in tonight, or see me this upset...

Downside: I love him. I thought we were made of stronger stuff. Financially I'd be fucked. I want DC's to grow up with their father

[jugglingmonkey]

I'm so pleased. Did your DH make you feel this way too? That you were just a killjoy trying to spoil his fun and basically ruin his life? Is all you wanted for him to grow the fuck up and face his responsibilities as a parent and husband?

[WixingMords]

Yes, that's exactly how I felt.

I wanted my children to have their father too, but I realised they didn't because he was either drunk or hungover and not much use to them, and when he wasn't either of those he was planning how to get his next drink.

for what it's worth, my dc were older than yours when I finally stopped enabling, and they noticed his drinking, so you do this now and they are already on for a better life.