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Who wants an alcoholic granny?!

(18 Posts)
Dinotaurrexgrrrr Fri 17-Jul-15 21:08:14

Hi guys, I'm in a try and be brief, I have a 5yo and a 2yo, and a complicated and tumultuous family history. My mum (who is the only blood family I have) is a long term alcoholic, who until recently I allowed to see the children at my house, with me there. Sadly her condition has deteriorated to a point where I stopped her visiting (she's seen them twice in 6months). She's now saying that I'm punishing her for being an alcoholic and making her more depressed/more likely to drink, she has started going to aa meetings...I guess what I'm saying is, at what point, if ever do I give her another chance? Thanks so much for ps feel free to ask anything, there's a lot of background bullocks that goes along with this!

CMOTDibbler Fri 17-Jul-15 21:11:30

Give her another chance when she's stopped drinking and has taken responsibility for her drinking.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Fri 17-Jul-15 21:12:12

Very difficult, protecting your children, and yourself, from any consequences of this. If you did give her another chance, is there a time of day she is less likely to be too drunk, first thing in the morning maybe? If you did give her another chance, I wouldn't be afraid to stop visits again if it didn't have the outcome you hoped.

Wolfiefan Fri 17-Jul-15 21:13:02

What CMOT said. I'm sorry but blaming everyone else for their behaviour is very much addict behaviour.

ButtonBee123 Fri 17-Jul-15 21:15:29

Agree with CMOT. My nan is an alcoholic and she is one of the nastiest most self absorbed people I've ever met and I am glad that my mother has kept us distant since my nan showed her true colours when I was young.

Jedi1 Fri 17-Jul-15 21:15:46

She irrigating her behaviour by blaming you. Classic addict.

Jedi1 Fri 17-Jul-15 21:16:10

She's mitigating - sorry, phone.

redcaryellowcar Fri 17-Jul-15 21:23:05

I personally think once she has stopped drinking?

gingerbreadmam Fri 17-Jul-15 21:24:13

honestly, if she is an alcoholic in the sense that she drinks all day every day it is her needs or your childrens and i think as your children are young and not able to choose this then you should do what is best by them which is not allowing contact.

my dps dm was an alcoholic, it has had a massive affect on his life. i wouldnt put your dc through that if u can help it.

oh and i say was an alcoholic as she sadly dies from the disease very recently. horrible thing. i hope aa helps your dm.

justonemorethread Fri 17-Jul-15 21:30:11

You are very right to protect your children from her.
If you don't want to cut contact maybe go and visit her when children ate elsewhere, reminding her if she manages to straighten her act she will have access.
If this is emotionally draining on you and bringing you down then you will need to find your self preservation spirit and enforce it.
There must be support for relatives of alcoholics?

MarinaCoyle Fri 17-Jul-15 21:32:10

I'd say completely alcohol free for a few months tbh. She's using a bit of emotional blackmail here and you're right not to fall for it and to protect your DC.

StickEm Fri 17-Jul-15 21:34:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StickEm Fri 17-Jul-15 21:35:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dinotaurrexgrrrr Fri 17-Jul-15 21:55:16

Thanks guys, part of me would happily cut contact as she has been abusive and enabled others to abuse me all my life, she just has a hold on me. I feel like maybe I'm denying my children a relationship with their grandmother because of selfish reasons ie because she sucks the fucking happiness out of me like an emotional black hole. On the other hand I know that she's bad news, eg (the are numerous) she turned up on the postnatal ward to meet my son for the first time, so pissed she had to get a taxi and was slurring her words. I'm so sick of her shit, I know she's unwell, but she doesn't seem to care how difficult this is for me, just how hard it is for her. Thankyou for ur input StickEm, it's interesting to hear a POV from someone in recovery, I hope ur doing well xx

Wolfiefan Fri 17-Jul-15 21:57:20

Stick em. Good luck.
OP I'm sorry but if their grandmother is an alcoholic and not working hard to stay sober then you would be saving your kids from a whole lot of pain NOT denying them anything. x

Sweetsecret Fri 17-Jul-15 21:59:15

I would say she has to be alcohol free for six months then you can try and rebuild.
I have just cut contact with my mother, her problem isn't being an alcoholic she's just an arse.
So maybe if your mother can stop the drinking then you could end up having a good relationship with her.
she needs to want to do it though. thanks

StickEm Fri 17-Jul-15 22:16:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newnamesamegame Fri 17-Jul-15 22:17:16

Don't know if this is helpful or not OP but just thought I'd share this in case it is.... my dad has always had a problematic relationship with alcohol. Not sure if he meets the technical definition of an alcoholic, , probably a high-functioning one rather than a dribbling, sleeping in the street, fighting one, he doesn't binge drink and go crazy but he drinks excessively every night and it changes his personality and makes him obnoxious and unpleasant to be around.

Several years ago my brother, who doesn't have kids, wrote him a letter, very calmly, just saying "I'm not going to try to influence you or change what you do, I'm going to let you know that I love you but for my own self-preservation I'm not going to see you when you've been drinking. You need to decide if you are prepared to have a relationship with me on those terms. If you are, great, if not, goodbye." I'm simplifying a bit but that was what it boiled down to.

This was more than ten years ago and it put a huge rocket up my dad's arse. He hasn't stopped drinking, but he basically observes a limit of 2-3 units a night when he's with other people and will cut it off there. And he doesn't drink at all with my DBro He probably is drinking more than that when he's alone, and I'm not going to pretend that he's dry, but he knows that he can't go over that limit when he's around his family and their kids. And its helped his relationship with his family hugely.

The reason this letter worked was because it was very non-emotional and rational. My DB basically laid out the terms on the table, without judgement, just said "this is what's on offer, take it or leave it." And my dad took it. He gave him no excuse to back out, nothing to make him look vindictive or nasty, but made it clear that those terms were non-negotiable.

I don't know how bad you mum is, it sounds as if she's quite bad and it may not be in her gift to moderate her intake. You may not be able to stop her drinking But I do think that when you are trying to negotiate with an addict in order to protect yourself and your family, this approach is quite helpful.

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