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Please help me set boundaries...

(9 Posts)
Nothavingfunrightnow Fri 17-Jul-15 18:03:11

STBXH moved out almost 3 weeks ago. We rent a house jointly and he is still on the lease so legally he has a right to enter the house.

However, he assaulted me the night he moved out and I called the police. We have a DS aged 9 who was not here at the time of the assault but he witnessed the fallout and the presence of the police. STBXH was not arrested and charges were not brought because I asked them not to do so.

H still has a key to the house though he no longer lives here. I had initially said that he can see DS whenever he wants to. However, I don't think that this is tenable after all. He knew DS had a friend over this afternoon but still came over to see how DS was. He asked me if there was any chance I had changed my mind about the marriage and when I said no, he said that he would then be going for custody of DS. I asked him to leave and he refused (this was all done quietly so that DS and his friend could not hear).

I said if he did not leave I would call the police. H said he was not being serious and he would not go for custody and that the situation was very unfair etc etc. He eventually went to DS and said he had to go because mummy said he had to!

He then asked me if he could still see DS whenever he wanted to. I said of course he could, but he should contact me first in case we were out or to make sure that we would be home for him etc. He got irritated and stormed off.

So, eventually my question: how can I set boundaries? How do I make sure that he does not just pitch up? If he does and I turn him away then DS would get upset.

H originally agreed to be released from the terms of the lease but has since said he will not. Landlord had agreed to release H and then rent the house to me.

What the fuck do I do?? I dont' want him coming here and messing with me. I was fine today until now - and he has fucking upset me all over again.

butterflygirl15 Fri 17-Jul-15 18:07:51

he should have set contact (if any at all quite frankly) - EOW is normal, and it should never be in your home. I would be pressing charges and having a restraining order too. And contact Women's Aid too. You need back up and a good lawyer. Do you think he treats your DS well or are you feared for him too?

WallyBantersJunkBox Fri 17-Jul-15 18:13:40

You need to get him off that lease now sweetheart. And get those locks changed.

My stbxh walked out and took a key. He gaslighted me completely saying he didn't have one, but things were going missing from the house. My mental health plummeted. Then I got a call from the landlord that a key had been left on a train in a bag. (All keys are traceable where I live) of course it was his bag.

Months of fucking angst and self doubt.

The next boundary is visitation. You take your DC to his place for drop off and he spends every other weekend or whatever he agrees with you at his place.

He does not drop in to see his child. It's a way of controlling you. He made the decision not to be in your life, so stop opening a window on your world.

Ignore all the noise from him and focus on what needs to be done for peace of mind.

He may bad mouth you to your child on his weekends, but work through it and maintain silence and neutrality regardless of how piercing it can be.

He is the one who'll make himself look like a big arsehole eventually. My DC called his dad up on it. That day I silently fist pumped and did a victory lap round the garden.

Good luck, you can do this.

Nothavingfunrightnow Fri 17-Jul-15 18:44:38

I am going to contact the police about this to get it on record. If I press charges will he be arrested and charged?

I don't know how to get him off the lease. We are in the first year of a renewal period and there is no break clause in this first year. If LL cancels H would have a claim against him I think though he has no money (H, that is, not the LL!)

Good for your DC for recognising things as they really are, Wallyetc! smile

Butterflygirl, I cannot afford a solicitor. I went to see one for an hour and am paying her bill off. She gave superb advice but this was before the marriage actually ended and he assaulted me.

(I feel as if I should explain it was not a bad assault compared to what some women go through - but he laid his hands on me in anger and hurt me and that is enough imo.)

butterflygirl15 Fri 17-Jul-15 19:02:54

but you may be entitled to legal aid - which is why I suggested Women's Aid.

fluffybunnies246 Fri 17-Jul-15 19:05:33

can you get a non molestation order and an occupation order on the house? He has shown he is capable of hurting you- violence can escalate. I thought you may be able to get legal aid if there is evidence of domestic abuse…

butterflygirl15 Fri 17-Jul-15 19:23:21

yup that's what I thought Fluffy.

Stripyhoglets Fri 17-Jul-15 20:33:44

You need to make an application to the court to get your lease transferred to your name. You can make the application yourself and put in information about the assault and police involvement. This is usually part of the divorce process.

Nothavingfunrightnow Sat 18-Jul-15 09:38:18

Thank you, everyone. I will ring Women's Aid today and ask their advice. I had a long, rambling text from him last night saying he will stay away but that remains to be seen. I did not reply and other than short, necessary texts or emails, I have not been contacting him.

What would I do without Mumsnet?? I'd not heard about occupation and non molestation orders or Women's Aid.

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