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Is/was he cheating or am I just being paranoid?

(22 Posts)
Appleblossom289 Fri 17-Jul-15 09:29:53

I've been with my partner for two years, he is very affectionate and lovely and everything and treats me well, generally speaking. But latey I've been having some doubts.

A couple of months ago, he turned weird. He gave me no affection, he was always working overtime and playing music for someone or seeing his mates, basically there was always an excuse not to see me when usually he would go out of his way to do so. His correspondence came over texts when he was awol, but very direct, short messages few and far between, usually late at night telling me he was going to bed. He never called me. One time I called his parents house, where he still stays sometimes, as he told me he felt ill after work so was going to bed but when his mum answered she said he wasn't there and hadn't been there since work that morning. When I asked him about it he said he'd been to see his uncle.

Whenever he was here, he was distant, always on his phone talking to who he said was his workmates. He wasn't particularly secretive about it and didn't make any real attempt to hide his phone however I noticed he had changed the password on it as I knew the previous one and happened to see him unlocking his phone but the digits were now different. He didn't give me any affection at all and we barely had sex. I told him I wasn't okay with how he was acting and we should maybe call it a day. Then he changed overnight, started being the old him. Being loving and affectionate and seeing me as much as possible and texting and calling when he wasn't here.

I've been cheated on before. That partner became distant, always going out, glued to his phone 24/7 and was VERY protective over it. I did confront my current partner in the end and asked him outright. He said he was upset that I would think he would do something like that. I mentioned the password on his phone and he insisted on changing it back while I watched. I kind of shrugged it off, he has been cheated on in the past too, quite badly, and so I thought "well he's not going to cheat on me knowing how awful it feels."

Now, he has a Facebook. He doesn't really use it but he does go on it. I have tagged him in things such as pictures and statuses but he never accepts them. I tagged him in a photo of us and for weeks he never accepted them, his excuse being "I don't use Facebook." However his friends tagged him in a few photos and he accepted them straight away. And it came up on my newsfeed today that at 2am this morning, he had "friended" a couple of girls on there.

I know gut instinct/women's intuition is a powerful thing. But I'm torn. Half of me truly believes that I'm being paranoid because I've been here before and so find it hard to really fully trust someone and I'm overthinking every little thing in order to twist it in my mind to believe he is cheating. But the other half of me is wondering if maybe there is a reason my head is connecting all these dots. I don't know if I'm onto something or if I'm just being a crazy psycho?

PeppermintPasty Fri 17-Jul-15 09:35:49

I would listen to your instincts. Sadly, on here I've yet to see threads where listening to your gut wasn't totally justified.

It's very difficult to deal with in reality though-if you ramp it up and accuse him, and he is innocent, that puts you in a very difficult position. However, you are in a horrible sort of limbo now and that can't go on.

Perhaps talk to him about this thing with facebook? Ask him to log on while you are there if it's all so innocent? I'm aware that doing that could also make you appear a bit crazy, but other than that it's a question of biding your time, seeing what he reveals, or forgetting about it and getting on with things.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 17-Jul-15 09:37:27

It all sounds very suss. Trust your gut.

Finola1step Fri 17-Jul-15 09:38:13

This one doesn't sound like a keeper. Sorry flowers

Appleblossom289 Fri 17-Jul-15 09:39:51

Thanks for your reply. I forgot to mention also. I was at work on Wednesday however it's his day off. When I came to use my iPad later that evening I noticed that all of my saved websites and all of the passwords etc were gone. This only happens when you delete you browsing history. I know I didn't delete anything and now I'm wondering if perhaps he was on my iPad while I was at work but then had to delete whatever he was looking at thus deleting all of my saved history in the process...?

LoisPuddingLane Fri 17-Jul-15 09:46:23

Well somebody deleted the history, and it wasn't you...

horseygeorgie Fri 17-Jul-15 09:51:43

sorry OP, this does sound bad.

TurnipCake Fri 17-Jul-15 10:07:23

Sorry OP, sounds v suss.

Trust your gut on this one

WorzelsCornyBrows Fri 17-Jul-15 10:14:14

Trust your instinct. More importantly, it doesn't really matter whether he's cheating or not, if you don't like the way your relationship is going, it's ok to end it. We all deserve someone who makes us happy.

TheDowagerCuntess Fri 17-Jul-15 10:27:10

You're not being paranoid.

pocketsaviour Fri 17-Jul-15 10:36:21

I think he is seeing someone else. Sorry OP sad

BolshierAyraStark Fri 17-Jul-15 13:39:13

What reasons did he give you for the period of strange behaviour?
He certainly sounds a bit suss, not a keeper.

BloodontheTracks Fri 17-Jul-15 13:43:07

It sounds, whether there's infidelity involved or not, that he's a bit casual to you. Are you both quite young? It's possible he's just keeping his options open and though not cheating, is just, (I hate to say it) ..not that into you?

Appleblossom289 Fri 17-Jul-15 14:49:17

We're both 26. He is always talking about our "future." It's not something I tend to bring up but he will often say things like "when we get married" or "when we have a kid" etc and apart from his short period of total weirdness, he treats me like someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Which is why I'm so confused.

The reason he gave for that period of time where he went strange was that he was busy and he was feeling depressed. He may very well have been doing overtime when he said he was and he was helping out with music at a concert for a week or so so was busy in the evening. But someone who is depressed doesn't constantly go out all the time, go to see their mates etc. I just find how he went from being the "perfect" boyfriend, to being someone who made me completely miserable, then back to being "perfect" a little odd. I mean, if he'd continued to be a dickhead and act the way he was, then I could understand that perhaps he had gotten bored, was looking to move on but couldn't think of how to do it or whatever. But the fact he has gone back to being perfectly lovely and everything makes me wonder. I have this idea in my head that even if he is not cheating on me now, maybe he was during that period. However there's always the possibility that I'm just being super paranoid and it's all in my head :/

whitsernam Fri 17-Jul-15 15:20:31

Could you be paranoid AND he's trying to cheat? Seems possible from here.... I do find it odd that he turns on the charm again and spends more time with you when you mention his period of "weirdness". Trust your instincts! That's why you have them.... flowers

andthenagain Fri 17-Jul-15 16:47:37

Can you think of any other reason for him to delete your browsing history?? Me neither sad
please trust your instinct it is there for a reason

Tiptops Fri 17-Jul-15 16:54:53

Sorry Apple but I agree with PP on trusting your instincts. Even if you push them aside, this will always niggle away at you and you'll be sensitive to the fact he could have a complete personality change again at any time.

Appleblossom289 Fri 17-Jul-15 17:45:50

He is coming over this evening so I might just talk to him about it. Tell him my concerns and why I'm having them. I don't want to be "that girlfriend" that has to check his phone and everything but I don't know, maybe it would put my mind at ease? If I ask him out of the blue, he won't have time to delete anything (unless he deletes as he goes) so if he is reluctant to let me have a look then it's definitely suss. I guess I could do it so I use his phone for something instead of asking to check it. I dunno. I've never wanted or asked to check his phone ever because before all this weirdness, I totally trusted him.

Wristy Fri 17-Jul-15 18:12:18

At the very least you can casually ask about your deleted Internet history. His reaction might be quite telling.

honeyroar Fri 17-Jul-15 18:25:18

Whether he is/was having an affair or not, he is not treating you well or being open and honest after two years. Why would you bother? It's not a good relationship and you deserve more. You know very well that he will construct a story tonight to appease you and the secrecy will go on.

WallyBantersJunkBox Fri 17-Jul-15 18:40:13

Porn would be a reason to delete browsing history, or perhaps if he felt stifled in the relationship he wanted to see if you were googling him, or checking up on him.

Not having a go op, it's horrendous to be cheated on, but are you sure you aren't coming on a bit strong with him and inhibiting his freedom a bit because of past experiences?

You seem to know a lot about his Facebook activity etc. I know my partner is on Facebook but I don't really care to add him or follow what he does as it isn't a big deal while we are dating.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Fri 17-Jul-15 18:48:50

Whatever is going on, it's his behaviour that is triggering your doubts and so confronting him is a really good idea.

Personally, I agree that you should trust your own instincts.

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