I've posted at length about my problems with emotionally abusive H and am going through intensive counselling to try to get the balls courage and support to leave him. He doesn't realise he is abusive and doesn't want to divorce. I know it's not his choice and if I want to end the relationship I can, but sometimes it all just seems too much hassle. I am fairly competent but have no confidence in my ability to support myself and hold down a job long-term which is why I'm terrified to lose his financial support.
I've been fairly convinced for a long time that I've got some aspergers characteristics...as do we all, I'm sure...but when I look back at my childhood it was screaming obvious, won't go into detail. But I got through, if fact, at 17/18 years old I remember getting lots of praise by relatives, other parents, etc about how normal I'd become (implication I'd been a total oddball before, true). Anyway, even though I am 'normal' now I am sure I'm covering up some very reclusive tendencies, I am very happy in lots of aspects of my life and I don't want to beat myself up if I'm different in an Aspergers sort of way. Plus I have many good friends, I socialise when H lets me But, I think it's really holding me back in 2 ways: 1) work. I cannot do office politics and I'm clearly wallowing in a pit of low self esteem (even though colleagues like me and I do good work, but I'm in a low position and am better qualified than my 'boss' but always happily do the grunt work and let them take the credit) 2) my crap relationship. H clearly feels entitled to bully me and I feel I've created this situation by not having stood up for myself over the past 20 years.
And now I'm in tears because I've been all over the Internet and I can't find any information about links between aspergers and abusive marriages. I'm sure my H (a bully at heart) realised he'd struck gold when he met me as I was so unsure of what was/is normal, he has taken on the role of educating me in what normal is and of course that means he's written his own agenda. I've been 'blaming', in counselling, my mother for a lot of things, ie low self esteem, but I don't think it's all down to her. No real diagnosis of aspergers but I have discussed it with GP.
This current angst was triggered by watching the programme on TV the other night, about girls with autism, and the shock of recognition of some of those (lovely) girls. I feel so sorry for my younger self. And even now, I do a lot of socially inappropriate things (bore people!) and will hurt for days afterwards if I look back and realise I've made a fool of myself.
I don't need to be told to LTB, am trying, but was just wondering if anyone had any similar stories or could point me in a direction? I'm tied up in knots trying to understand why I feel I couldn't cope on my own without this strong bully figure in my life. Hope that makes sense.
And thanks so much to all who've posted on my previous threads, still trying to make the break, I've made some tremendous progress and all is ok at the moment.
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Any women with high functioning autism/aspergers and bullying partners?
18 replies
thatsnotmynamereally · 17/07/2015 08:04
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