Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

End of the road?

(24 Posts)
daisyJ123 Thu 16-Jul-15 22:24:13

Hi Everyone
I've been in a relationship for 5 months. I'm a single mum with baggage (big trust issues stemming from lying dad & dishonest ex-partners. Anyway, everything with my partner felt pretty amazing for 4 months. Good communication, happy times & me not holding back.
He has a female friend who he sees regularly-I haven't met her but I know they text a lot & see each other often & he was in a brief relationship with her a year ago. I've always felt that there might be some flirting going on there & saw some pretty friendly texts between them... And around that time that old enemy insecurity reared its ugly head again & the last few weeks I've been feeling increasingly anxious suspicious & on edge and he seems distracted & disinterested...
I have just started counselling for my trust issues as I really wanted to not jeopardise this relationship with my issues & explained to him that I am someone who needs reassurance due to previous shit. Last week we nearly broke up as I felt highly anxious & he could offer no reassurance & could not tell me how he felt about me & I felt it was easier to just walk away due to fear of rejection but we talked & everything felt good again & we had a great time this week til he told me last night that everything feels a bit 'on edge'. I've been feeling the opposite again...So tonight I asked what he meant by that & he said he felt 'emotionally cold' towards me. I asked him why we are together and I explained that I felt upset & he couldn't give me any reassurance beyond ' I like spending time with you & the sex is good'
I'm not someone who needs constant reassurance but some would be good, especially during those horrible anxiety moments. I've just asked him to leave as I need some space. I don't know if I can be with him.
I know I sound like a nightmare. I have a busy life, a fab daughter, great friends but this trusting men issue seems to fuck everything up all the time. Does anyone else get frustrated with lack of reassurance & should I call it a day?

pocketsaviour Thu 16-Jul-15 22:44:34

^ ' I like spending time with you & the sex is good' ^

That to me would indicate that this is a casual relationship. It may develop into something more over time, but right now it sound like he's not as into you, as you are to him.

Maybe you should finish things with him for now, and concentrate on your counselling progress?

daisyJ123 Thu 16-Jul-15 22:51:06

Thanks Pocket
I totally think that's the case.

Whodathink1t Thu 16-Jul-15 23:18:28

I think that it would be a good idea to give yourself some space & time to get used to being you without a relationship confusing things. Use this time to get the counselling you need, so that you can start trusting people. People in your past have done a number on you, and you need to get past this before you can trust the people in your present.

VanitasVanitatum Thu 16-Jul-15 23:22:05

Definitely get rid. He's told you he feels 'emotionally cold' - what more do you need to know.

ChilliAndMint Thu 16-Jul-15 23:40:35

If it isn't thunderbolts and lightening after 5 months and you are questioning stuff, it's never going to be a good relationship.

Don't be in a hurry to meet anyone.. get in the right head space first then perhaps you might considering dating.

Bloke sounds like a lot of trouble..cut your losses.

maras2 Fri 17-Jul-15 00:18:12

Just 5 months and all of this angst? You've had shitty relationships before,so end this nonsense now before it becomes another one.Sorry but re."female friend", she's a bit more than that.Get rid and the time away from men to be good to yourself.

FolkGirl Fri 17-Jul-15 06:35:12

Hi

This all sounds very familiar! I know that anxiety only too well.

I think I feel very similarly. I finished things with my most recent bf because I didn't trust him. And with equally good reason to you.

I feel much bettter for having done it.

I'm giving myself time to address the issues away from any relationship.

You're worth more than this. It's up to you what you do, of course, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who said they felt "emotionally cold" towards me.

Joysmum Fri 17-Jul-15 06:41:28

He thinks YOU are emotionally cold when in reality you're emotionally hot and he's the one that's cold towards you.

Liking sex and spending time with you describes a luke warm friends with benefits situation at best.

TokenGinger Fri 17-Jul-15 09:00:10

Gosh. I could have written half of that thread , but mine is slightly more positive which is why I'm going to tell you that I don't think this guy is for you.

The guy I've been dating for a while also has a female friend he previously dated for a short while, they message regularly and meet up maybe once or twice a month. I told him I was beginning to feel insecure about his and he was great. He told me the dynamic of their friendship won't change but explained exactly where there's nothing to worry about, why they're dating never developed and said if he wanted to be with her, he had more than a year of friendship before meeting me where something would have developed if it was going to. He also explained that he wouldn't spend every single night with me (bar one or two a month) if he had somebody else to occupy his time (and bed I presume, lol). This is where it differs to your story though. Although we haven't had the "relationship talk" as such, he's told me how much I mean to him and said he sees his future with me.

If this guy can't offer you anything other than saying it's good sex, I think I'd begin to phase him out after five months.

daisyJ123 Fri 17-Jul-15 09:54:25

Thanks everyone
Hmmm...bit of a pattern in this thread. Think it's the end of the road indeed.
Tokenginger, I have been struggling with the friend issue as he didn't really explain anything, & basically there's been a consistent lack of reassurance in everything.
I really appreciate everyone's advice.

TokenGinger Fri 17-Jul-15 10:34:28

Daisy - I totally understand what you're saying! That's how I felt until I had the balls to tell him it was an issue for me and he reassured me. Up until that point, I had let it eat away at me. But it looks like you've raised it and he hasn't done much reassuring which is really sad x

daisyJ123 Fri 17-Jul-15 14:02:46

He has been texting me all day & just sent a great big text saying how amazing he thinks I am. The kind of thing I wanted/needed him to say to my face. I feel like it's too late. Anyone can send a text when they're feeling desperate, right?

BrianneAndrews Fri 17-Jul-15 14:22:33

I totally agree with everybody, who stated their opinion before me. I'm just going to add - continue with counselling. Get rid of this cold man. I'm sure there is someone more suitable for you.

TokenGinger Fri 17-Jul-15 14:23:00

Of course they can.

I'd reply and say, "That's a great sentiment thank you. I appreciate that you're able to see how amazing I am, but it's a shame that you're desire to get your dick wet elsewhere was enough for you to forget that. Several times. With several women. Whilst your amazing girlfriend was carrying your child. Thanks for the sentiment; it encourages my belief in myself and it's nice to know that quality is there for the next man who'll appreciate it fully, without feeling a void that needs filling by other women."

daisyJ123 Fri 17-Jul-15 14:39:47

Hey Token
I love your comment but think it was meant for someone else! Different thread perhaps?

TokenGinger Fri 17-Jul-15 14:54:32

It was!!! I've been trying to figure out how to delete it, alas, I am not technically savvy enough to do so! Lol xx

daisyJ123 Fri 17-Jul-15 14:55:58

If it's for the thread I just saw from Abbi I think your text suggestion is fucking genius, Tokenginger

TokenGinger Fri 17-Jul-15 15:00:16

Unfortunately, he's not the one who had text her though! Lol. I clicked on to yours thinking I was still on Abbi's and thought it was her fella who'd been saying she was amazing in a bid to get her back. Boooo, the one good idea I have and it fails! LOL

daisyJ123 Fri 17-Jul-15 15:17:17

You made me LAUGHHH!
I'm cleaning the house like a frantic bat while my daughter naps to take my mind off everything. Texted him to say I need time & space but no idea how much time & space. An eternity seems quite accurate.

TokenGinger Fri 17-Jul-15 15:27:09

An eternity sounds like a nice amount of time!

It sucks when things turn out like this, but I salute you for having the balls to cut it off. He sounds like an arse and disrespectful towards saying he enjoys the sex and the time together! hmm

Still sucks though. Hope you're ok after sending the text! Xx

Fearless91 Fri 17-Jul-15 16:47:11

Oh OP sorry you're having to deal with this.

He's emotionally cold
When asked why you were together he said because he likes spending time with you and the sex is good

He says he couldn't offer you reassurance or tell you how he felt about you - it's not that he couldn't it's because he wouldn't.

Your anxiety is never going to get better with somebody like this! The constant up/down will cause your anxiety to hit the roof and if he truly cared he would be able to reassure you.

As for his friend - dating someone a year ago (especially as you've been together 5 months) really isn't that long ago. I would be very wary about that one but hey it might just be me.

I think you deserve much better.

mikulkin Fri 17-Jul-15 17:45:52

I am going to go against the flow here. His comment about spending time and sex was idiotic but it could be that he started realising he feels more and doesn't want to lose you and hence is making an effort.

I have been in relationship for 1,5 years and it took my partner much longer than me to realise how much he wants me in his life. I also need reassurance and it took him a while to understand that too. It really depends if you have patience to test this or not.

Fearless91 Fri 17-Jul-15 17:51:01

Miku - he isn't making an effort. He couldn't even tell the OP why they were together. He couldn't/wouldn't even reassure her. He admitted he felt emotionally cold towards her.

Does that sound like a man who feels really deeply for someone? hmm

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now