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Am I way off on this?

(45 Posts)
Smallblackcat2 Thu 16-Jul-15 18:56:30

Ok this could be an AIBU but I can't handle the bun fight.

So ive been separated around 6 months. In the past both myself and DH have had affairs but now back together.

He moved abroad for work around 6 months ago- initially just him and then me and DC's to follow.

He's now saying its too expensive for us to join him out there. (When we initially planned this I would also work out there as I would move my business too)

He dropped the bombshell last night that he is going to flat share with a friend next year and me and the DC aren't to visit him as the airfare is too expensive (despite he has a flight allowance!)

Instead he will come home x3 a year and instead save his (tax free) salary for when he eventually does move back to the UK.

When I pointed out:

1) he had not consulted me
2) I wasn't happy to be in a marriage with precisely no perks, sex life, companionship other than via Skype for the undetermined future! (His contract is permanent)

His response was a one word answer "wow" and some link to a cartoon about not harvesting anger and hate!

AIBU to think wtf???

He thinks I am being deeply unreasonable in wanting "x4 holidays a year" when up until now I've been flying out to see him in the school holidays with our 2 DC.

My DC have coped brilliantly with him being away and knowing they get to see their dad where he lives sweetens the blow massively.

Ive gotten used to him being away but am permanently shattered from working and being a lone parent.

I was so upset by the disrespect he's shown me by telling me how things are going to be!

I'm a social person and finding it hard to be by myself all the time. I have amazing friends and a life here but can't help that I'm being taken for a complete mug here.


SewingAndCakes Thu 16-Jul-15 18:59:29

I think he's opted out of the marriage but he's too scared to be honest about it, and wants to live a separate life of a "single" man in a different country. Sorry flowers

MarkRuffaloCrumble Thu 16-Jul-15 19:01:49

Major decisions like this should be made as a couple. He is being an arse by presenting this as a fait accompli, not allowing you any say in how it pans out and preventing you from even being able to visit.

I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds like he is opting out of your marriage.

My XH worked away (not abroad as such, but a long drive + short flight away) and he came home every few weeks then we all went out to visit him in the school holidays.

I appreciate that your H is working to earn money for you all and doesn't want to fritter it away on something as unnecessary as seeing his own wife and DCs, but he is being supremely selfish expecting you to accept all this without having any say in it.

Smallblackcat2 Thu 16-Jul-15 19:04:57

Im glad I'm not going mad on this. Thank you for your replies

hollyisalovelyname Thu 16-Jul-15 19:07:46

Is the friend he intends sharing with female?

hesterton Thu 16-Jul-15 19:07:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purpleball Thu 16-Jul-15 19:08:08

This would be a dealbreaker for me. I'm not sure I believe the colleague story at all. I'd be thinking he's living with OW and doesn't want you to see that....sorry if that sounds harsh

Smallblackcat2 Thu 16-Jul-15 19:09:47

No flat mate is definitely male. He's in a country where it's illegal to co habit too.

mrschatty Thu 16-Jul-15 19:11:44

Eek sorry to hear this it sounds like the shutting down his end of the relationship.
Do you know where he lives? Hot head like me would turn up at his flat to talk this out 'heart to heart' (read suss it out for myself and snoop!!)

mrschatty Thu 16-Jul-15 19:12:13

small probably v expensive for a flight then...

hesterton Thu 16-Jul-15 19:13:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smallblackcat2 Thu 16-Jul-15 19:15:07

Flights normally cost around £400 per person. He is however on a tax free salary of 80k plus bonuses. He sends over 1200 per month towards the house here in uk

Anon4Now2015 Thu 16-Jul-15 19:15:08

I would also be suspicious of who he was living with, but to be honest it wouldn't matter. For me the relationship would have been over the moment he TOLD me what our living arrangements were going to be and refused to discuss them like two equal partners.

I don't know whether he wants out or not, but he certainly doesn't want what you want and he isn't even prepared to discuss what you want, let alone compromise. Personally I think that's a deal-breaker.

Smallblackcat2 Thu 16-Jul-15 19:16:22

It's the lack of discussion that's doing me in. And the fact I'm not allowed an opinion or a say in it!!!

hesterton Thu 16-Jul-15 19:19:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smallblackcat2 Thu 16-Jul-15 19:24:18

Yep I know. Sometimes he's sent 1400

hesterton Thu 16-Jul-15 19:27:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 16-Jul-15 19:27:12

My question too, hesterton. How much of his remaining £65,000+ tax free salary excluding bonus is deposited in joint accounts for savings, retirement, dcs future uni fees etc?

Smallblackcat2 Thu 16-Jul-15 19:27:34


hesterton Thu 16-Jul-15 19:28:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jul-15 19:31:07

had you understood he has actually left you ?

butterflygirl15 Thu 16-Jul-15 19:35:02

so he is giving you 15% maintenance but is too lazy to divorce.

Smallblackcat2 Thu 16-Jul-15 19:41:59

I do love him. Which is why I wanted to work things out. I only went over there a few weeks ago (just me and no kids and we had an amazing time which is why I'm left totally �� at this new development.

MehsMum Thu 16-Jul-15 19:48:56

So he basically gets to sit on almost all his earnings, and do none of the hard graft of being a parent? And expects his wife to do just as he says?

That's shocking. YANBU in the slightest.

hesterton Thu 16-Jul-15 19:53:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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