Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Fight or Flight

(22 Posts)
noneintended Thu 16-Jul-15 18:24:03

Hello to everyone. I'm new and this is my first thread. Wonder if anyone could shed some light on what i could possible do. i'm now 48, living with BF for 4 years and really i think for the whole of that time he has fooled me into thinking that my life will be ultimately better for sticking with him. As long as i do what he wants, if and when, keep house, skivvy and grovel re decorate (plastering) included, yes ladies! oh and gardening, and possibly sort his finances out without seeing money. He "prefers" that i do not work but should i wish to then i can only have a part time job, well, isn't that so i still have the time to fit everything else in between. he stonewalls me if i question things, like why is he doing things, when he specifically tells me not to. He ignores me, insults me in front of people, then justifies it by saying "it was a joke" "banter", "where's your sense of "humour"
I suffer with Osteo and he even complains about that, it's because he is so rough when handling me, he actually hurts me, then gets mad because he can't get near me...i ask him to be gentler and to at least remember, as it is in one particular place (my hip) but no, never. Yet turn the table and he freaks out if he mentions that his for example (his brain hurts) and i inadvertently squash it in a vice and say ooops, i forgot! (no animals were hurt during this adaptation of events) his teeth hurt, and i have gone to kiss him but held his face incorrectly...he gives me the most evil dead eye!
You get where i am coming from don't you?
He hates me going to see my sister and believe me, she does not go near men, or drink.
He gives me "housekeeping" lol i could cry and £30 of that is for me, the rest is household stuff. i know a kept woman and it is degrading!
he pays for my car, which is £35 a month and a phone £20 a month.. which he reminds me of regularly. i don't even want a phone.
BF, loves the internet, and will sit for hours and hours and have me wait on him....He moans he needs a shower but then goes on the internet, if i say anything to him, (nicely) like why don't you get a shower now 8'o'clock pm, he throws things and shouts, "you just can't stand the fact that i am on the internet" programmes are the same...
There is more but this is so long now, i think who ever reads this will probably have grown bored by the first 5 mins lol
i need to get out but i don't know where to go, my sister is not an option and financially well....where does £300 get you? Money saved for 7 mnth

thanks for reading

cozietoesie Thu 16-Jul-15 18:39:50

I don't know how you stuck it for four days let alone 4 years. Does he have any redeeming qualities?

What is the status of the house? And do you have any other relatives or friends that you could go to directly? (Im assuming from your OP that you have no DCs together.)

You have to split from him.

ohlamour Thu 16-Jul-15 18:43:03

Oh OP - you've GOT to free yourself from this terrible situation! It's like he's keeping you a prisoner. Does your sister know what's going on? Please talk to someone and make plans to leave & get your life back. I'm so sorry you are in this situation flowers

NiceAcorns Thu 16-Jul-15 18:43:21

Look on spareroom.com for a room in a shared house.

Maybe try a domestic staff agency for a live in job until you find your feet?

He knows he's causing you pain and he enjoys it.

cozietoesie Thu 16-Jul-15 18:47:47

If you have bad Osteo, I'm wondering whether you should be able to get disability benefits? Someone who is better informed can give a view on that.

fluffybunnies246 Thu 16-Jul-15 18:57:39

noneintended he is abusive. Have you tried calling women's aid/local domestic abuse organisations? They might be able to advise you as to the best way of getting the hell out of there. You deserve better flowers

noneintended Thu 16-Jul-15 19:21:15

hello, and thank you for sharing. I have looked into flat share, domestic living in but it's not straight forward, police checks and the usual security rigmarole, believe me, i am not frightened of hard work, well who could be after living like an Irish Navvy (his words) also, my sister is so consumed by her own blight she really can't be much help, she does know but not everything.
I know four years, it's had a few nice moments especially when he worked away ha! i
His swearing at me in public is a classic, and the fact he wont let me have friends, yet he says, i need a friend and am alone too much.
NO DC's with him but i thank my lucky stars for that. i am now past it and he is well and truly over the hill...
Would you believe it if i said he makes me spit with fury and i really could hurt him and he actually knows it!!! practically gloats at me.
FOOL does not even come close when i describe myself, as i said there is so much more but it's pointless

Know what i hate the most, it's the way he watches me, he is trying to figure me out all the time.
He says he has a problem showing his emotions then turns it around, confused.com

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jul-15 19:36:43

I have no words

You have find a way, any way, to get out of this abusive relationship

butterflygirl15 Thu 16-Jul-15 19:38:21

call Women's Aid and get out. He sounds very frightening. He is an abusive bully.

pocketsaviour Thu 16-Jul-15 19:46:00

domestic living in but it's not straight forward, police checks and the usual security rigmarole

Sorry, I did not understand this. Do you mean you have looked for work as a live-in housekeeper, carer or nanny? Are you afraid that you will not pass a DBS check?

What is your current living situation? Are you renting, local authority, or do you own the house?

I would recommend going down to CAB and asking what benefits you can claim. If you have OA you should put in a claim for PIP, which will take months to assess, but you should also be entitled to tax credits and housing benefit if you're below a certain household income. And of course the minute you leave, you'll be able to seek full time work.

I also recommend calling womens aid for advice.

noneintended Thu 16-Jul-15 19:49:41

I am really i am, all avenues i have been down and still there are more, i didn't actually think it was any form of abuse until i researched and discovered it comes in all forms.
still looking for work but i need something established because just going ( as i should) could render me more vulnerable.
i am so naffed off at the whole situation. i went from one psychotic freak, who really did a number on me, kept away from men and then years on i meet this one, he is different yet the same. He knows about my abusive childhood, etc. i give up i really do.
i might as well just take what i can and see what's out there.
i must walk around with a neon on my head, saying "free to abuse"
He says, i don't beat you, so what's the matter lol lol god, is he one misogynistic pillock

thanks girls/ladies, friends

goddessofsmallthings Thu 16-Jul-15 20:05:10

The title of your post is "Fight or Flight" Other than fighting with him, what else is there to fight for?

You're a kept woman and if you've only been able to save £300 over 7 months, it can't be said that you're well kept.

If you can't find any other employment, advertise your services as a live-in housekeeper or companion/cook and you're bound to find someone who'll take you on immediately pending a CRB check which can take some months. .
When it comes to renting a room in a house share or as a lodger in a family home, the usual requirement is a month's deposit and one month's rent in advance but, again, that can be up for negotiation but you won't know if that's the case unless you ask.

What are you waiting for? This controlling bully will never change and the only way your "life will be ultimately better for sticking with him" will be if he pops his clogs and you're the sole beneficiary of his estate.

noneintended Thu 16-Jul-15 20:48:15

True goddessofsmallthings, there is nothing to fight for, it's just fighting! but we live in hope for any kind of small change, i guess the hopes are dashed!
I am already, or should i say continuing my searches for work, away from here and the new CRB check usually takes 7 weeks but i know from working for Bupa that i started work withing a week due to a check they carried out, until the full check came through. i shall enquire more about this, whether it still stands.
I have an advert in place to post, so i am being pro active.
There is no waiting for anything, not any longer, i suppose it was the security, but it's anything but that!
as for my benefiting from his estate after clog popping, i would not be entitled to anything, as he hasn't even made a will, or named me as anything, as he classes himself at work as single.
Thank you for your words and i shall keep you up dated as and when i can.

brew flowers

Hissy Thu 16-Jul-15 21:04:40

Please never ever give up trying to get out and away from this man

I PROMISE YOU that life is better away from them. Keep posting, we're here.

noneintended Thu 16-Jul-15 21:21:45

Thank you Hissy flowers I am trying to sort out what i can take and what has to be left, it is my stuff after all and know what i can and cannot live with.
Doing this while he is in bed is difficult, so evenings is the only time i have, but i am not hung on possessions.

star Feeling bubbly with anticipation star

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jul-15 21:29:13

op, you sound great

I hope you can sort your new life out very soon

noneintended Thu 16-Jul-15 21:44:28

Well, that's the first time anyone has said that. Thank you (love the name by the way) class !!

I hope so too wine

ohlamour Thu 16-Jul-15 21:55:25

Good luck OP! I will be rooting for you xxxx

Hissy Thu 16-Jul-15 21:57:30

AF was there for me when I got away from my ex. She'll be here for you too, as will I, and countless others. One day you'll help someone like you.

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jul-15 22:02:36

hissy thanks

goddessofsmallthings Thu 16-Jul-15 22:14:46

Given the cost of care homes which can entail selling property/racking up costs to be set against estates, there's considerable demand for live-in carers for the elderly - not all of whom are suffering from dementia which can be soul destroying for those charged with looking after them 24/7.

The Lady is the magazine of choice for the well-heeled who are looking for live-in staff and there are often opportunities to work in sunnier climes in one of the large ex-pat communities in Spain and Southen France.

You could also advertise your services as a house-sitter which will enable you to live rent free while you're working or looking for employment.

Where's a will there's a way... and here's to you finding the will and the way to leave the controlling twunt behind as you step into a bright new and non-abusive future wine

noneintended Thu 16-Jul-15 23:03:02

As i was a carer, granted not with endless years of experience, however, i gained enough knowledge to partake in the care, which was given 100% i am still looking at that option too, as it is something i am confident in, as well as having the experience of domiciliary care. House sitting was something i looked into...you are good goddessofsmallthings, i appreciate the time you have taken.
I am finding the way through my will, all is not lost, well i wish he was down a god damned derelict mining shaft, without his bacci lol
flowers for all and again thank you and when i can be of help to anyone, i shall be.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now