Forgiveness, unless accompanied by genuine remorse of the transgressor, does nothing but do damage to the forgiver
Do you agree?
I have been approached by a member of my MILs church, to say she bitterly regrets treating me the way she has, and can she communicate with me some how, to ask for my forgiveness.
Sooo
I had a row with my very volatile PIL, six years ago, and I basically haven't seen them since, apart from one disasterous meeting afterwards with my MIL. They have a long history of falling out with anyone who disagrees with them, or criticises them, and going NC, and never sorting it out.
I was very close to them, especially MIL, before this. We had just relocated to live close to them, we had 3 young children and I was pregnant at the time. I'm not British, so have no family nearby.
This is the sum total of the row-
Their friend had been accused of raping his own granddaughter, and they came to our house that day, quoting a DM article about false accusations of rape, and of men's lives being ruined.
The discussion became heated, I had lots of facts and figures about confiction rates, victim blaming etc.
I felt myself becoming weepy, so I left the house to calm down, and when I returned, after about 20 mins, my FIL was outraged that I had walked out, that I was insufferable because I always had to be right etc. He left our house.
MIL stayed for another few minutes, and was about to walk out too, so I told her the truth, that I had been raped. I repeated it, she just looked at me, and she walked out. I didn't think I needed to apologise for anything, but if they needed an explanation for my being emotional, that was it.
We didn't hear from them again.
DH finally contacted them, much later in the pregnancy, (34 weeks by then) to say how upsetting it was to be dumped over so little, and how cruel it was to be so unsympathetic. MIL denied that I had ever said it initially, and then said she never heard it (swore on the bible - she's a Christian)but that they would love to see the children, would DH bring them over the next day, and I should go too, to sort it all out.
I thought that it was a bad idea to discuss that in front of the DC, that they should contact me if they wanted to discuss it.
They didn't contact me.
A few days before my due date, MIL finally arranged to meet me, only to berate me for hurting her feelings for even thinking that she would ever have walked out of the house that day if she had heard me say, you know, that thing, that happened to me. That meeting was entirely pointless, but for one thing.
Because she was gas lighting me about my saying that I had been raped- (it was a HUGE thing for me to have told her), I recorded the whole conversation, so that I could not be misquoted again.
Over the following day or two, my DH received abusive text messages from other family members, quoting the terrible things that I had said. But I hadn't said them at all. They were false. But the only person I needed to believe me was DH, and he did. He was and is, wonderful.
I never followed it up - I walked away, because the entire pregnancy had been so distressing, and I had been so heartbroken over them, but I had a baby to have, and I needed to take care of me and my own.
They had turned on me, they must never have loved me.
They were showing me who they were, and it was time to start believing it.
I think it took about two years to stop thinking about this obsessively. The thoughts were intrusive, and I often felt like it was really affecting my mental health. I'm now on an even keel, and now they want back in.
DH has continued to see them, with the DC, 4 or 5 times a year, but they never discuss the 'situation'. He never told them I had recorded the conversation, and has never addressed the bad mouthing.
He went to see them the other day after the would be mediator contacted us. Yes, they're sorry, they blame themselves entirely, their anger is a huge problem for them, they've been in a jail cell for the last six years, can we leave it in the past, and build something new. MIL is more open to discussing it.
No, DH told them, in order to move on, they have to hear what I have to say, they won't like it, but they have to understand the enormity of the breach in trust that has occurred. MIL then said "you know BigEasy also said some terrible things", and told DH that I had threatened her with never seeing the GC. Of course, this is something I absolutely did not say, and she was shocked when DH finally told her that we have a recording, and about knowing about the false accusations.
DH doesn't want me to face them in person, as he's doubtful this will work, and he still saw flashes of anger in both of them, so I have recorded a 20 minute video, detailing the hurt and grievances ( only the big stuff).
DH thinks they will not be able to hear it, and that they will go apeshit. Neither of us think that I should hold back anything, and I don't think I have.
I want to move on, and I do think that I can forgive them, but it is entirely dependent on whether I believe their remorse. The one thing I am very clear about is that I want my good name back. They cannot apologise to me and ask for forgiveness, and allow the lies they have repeated over and over again to stand. They also need to understand that putting me under such stress while I was pregnant is something I am very angry about.
Do you think that's reasonable, or do you think I'm making it too hard on them, and sabotaging the whole thing.
DH, who has had to work through a lot of FOG in the last few years, says he's going NC with them if they don't see sense this time. He's done.
He's sitting on the video for a few days- after 6 years, they can wait.
Any thoughts?
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Relationships
Forgiveness
BigEasy · 16/07/2015 17:40
Thank you both so much for replying - the OP is epic, and off putting.
I wanted to go and do it face to face, but I know I won't get to express even a quarter of what I want to say. I kept crying even trying to gather my thoughts for the recording. Actually, it is just that,a recording. The plan is (was?) that DH go over with it on his I-pad, and play it for them and be able to talk about stuff with them - stop and start, rewind etc. it was never our intention to leave them with a document they could pour over.
The other thing is that I say first off, that I don't expect them to agree with everything I say, and I don't expect apologies for everything I talk about. I talk about the love we all had, and I talk about my happy marriage, how I love DH, how great our kids are. I only ask for 2 apologies in the whole thing, the slander, and for MiL inviting me to that meeting and turning it into a Pity Party. She has already told DH that she bitterly regrets making it all about her.
She has also said that she is ashamed of those opinions expressed on the first day, and sees how wrong they were.
Esta, thank you for the Fuck them, I've said it many times, but I love my DH way more than I hate them, and I want to give it ONE shot to give DH a more normal life.
I'm really interested in everyone's advice, and I know how invaluable it to me 
Such wisdom and insight from everyone - each and every post has helped.
I recorded the video message in two parts, so that's what I meant when I said I had deleted the messages. I did not delete the original audio recording of the meeting - that would be bonkers!
Only MIL is a born again- PIL is an atheist, and they are very unhappily married- so it has always perplexed me how they've stood together like this.
Katy, when you say how the only way this will work is if you accept their bad behaviour, say nothing, get no apology etc, this is how DH functions with them. MIL's eyes become black when she is in a temper, and the rest of the family do anything to placate her.
I love isetan's " confusing forgiveness with developing amnesia
Something that has really stood out for me is Button's timely reminder that forgiving them is for me. In fact, I don't think I've ever thought about it that way. And that forgiving them does not grant them an invitation back into my life.
canyouforgiverher - did you NC for this thread?? It's like you know her- yes she is a total drama queen- she has started many a huge row, mostly over the most innocuous of subjects. She has alway hidden behind her faith- she prays about stuff, and "shares" at church, rather than going and sorting out the problem. I've had 6 years off, but before that, she'd invent a row about once a year.
I always thought that she would eventually get someone from the church to intervene- never thought it would take 6 years. I've been on MN for years, under all sorts of names, but have never posted about this before. I should have - you have really clarified my thinking, and I'm very touched that people spent so much time giving me such well thought out responses. I will do the same next time x
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