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Friend STBH angry with ME!

(16 Posts)
MakeTeaNotWar Thu 16-Jul-15 14:06:07

DH and I have mutual friends who are married. It's not a happy marriage and she has now filed for divorce. She would confide in me both in person and via Whatsapp what goes on and I would be sympathetic, offering advice and opinion where appropriate but always careful to never outright say LTB.

Anyway he got hold of her phone and read our conversations. He then phoned MY DH furious at what I'd been saying, accusing me of being a snake and DH better watch out as I was probably plotting against him.

DH put him straight but now I feel vulnerable and exposed and no doubt he will confront me when I next see him but I don't think I said anything I wouldn't say to his face plus she is entitled to cry on a friendly shoulder.

ImperialBlether Thu 16-Jul-15 14:16:53

It's difficult, isn't it? I suppose he saw you as a friend and thought you were acting against him, but the fact of it was neither of them were getting on and it's obvious at least one of them would be looking for support from other people.

It's easier for him to blame you than to blame himself or his wife. It means he doesn't have to face up to the state of his own relationship.

It's very difficult to stay friends with both people when they split up. Did he every confide in your husband?

SolidGoldBrass Thu 16-Jul-15 14:20:00

Hmph, tell him to fuck off and that it's easy to see why his wife has dumped him. And then don't worry about it. Encouraging and supporting a woman to leave an inadequate partner is a good thing to do - his behaviour to you demonstrates that he's a knob.

Hobbitwife001 Thu 16-Jul-15 14:33:29

Yes, the same thing has happened to me, OP, I'm going through a divorce and my friend has been a tower of strength to me, now she has decided to split from her totally EA husband and he blames me for encouraging her to file for divorce!

As if I would actually persuade someone to do such a life changing act if they didn't have really good personal reasons of their own < which she does>

All I did was give her a shoulder to cry on, just like she did for me, but now I'm being portrayed as a interfering viper , by this totally abusive arse of a man. He can go and fuck the fuck off...

Anniegetyourgun Thu 16-Jul-15 14:42:14

XH once picked up the headphones I was chatting on and gave my Warcraft group an earful about how one of them was alienating my affections and breaking up a family etc. The rest of the time he blamed my sister. Such men need someone to blame because obviously it couldn't have been anything they did wrong.

UrethraFranklin1 Thu 16-Jul-15 14:51:41

Well from his pov his friend was telling his wife what a dick he was and helping her leave him. I think most people would be a bit pissed off. Not that it means youre in the wrong to have done so, and he sounds like a total tool, but you have to own it and you cant really complain about him being pissed off, even if you cancimplain about him saying so and being confrontational.

NickyEds Thu 16-Jul-15 14:52:36

As my mum used to say "It'll all come out in the wash". He's in the middle of a divorce and whilst he obviously shouldn't have had a go at you he's probably looking for someone to blame. If he's a nice guy generally he'll probably feel like a dick later when the smoke clears.

MakeTeaNotWar Thu 16-Jul-15 15:09:32

I wouldn't mind if he did have a go at me, it was my DH he phoned!

You are all spot on, he's projecting and looking everywhere but at himself for the breakdown of his marriage and showing his true colours. I don't feel that I can tell my friend that he did this as it's just spiralling into a big web of people whispering behind each other's backs.

DrMorbius Thu 16-Jul-15 15:22:03

He phoned your DH because your DH needs to get control of you smile, with an attitude like that I wonder why his DW wants to leave him hmm

BannerQueen Thu 16-Jul-15 16:50:32

I suggest you tell your friend once the divorce has gone through and the dust has settled ... my ex husband did the same thing and the friend who was blamed told me a few years later! I could laugh at the ridiculousness of his attitude then.

MatildaTheCat Thu 16-Jul-15 17:03:49

He phoned your DH to gain an ally which has misfired. Of course he is angry and upset. Inevitable. He's also losing friends left, right and centre.

Perhaps the reality of all this is just sinking in.

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jul-15 17:19:10

I am very surprised his marriage broke up. wink

WaitingForMe Thu 16-Jul-15 21:46:11

I've been in this situation. My favourite crime was being with my friend the night she met her new bloke many months later as clearly I was meant to be some kind of chastity belt in accompanying her to parties grin

Atenco Fri 17-Jul-15 03:05:05

My ex used to claim that any opinion I had that he didn't agree had been put in my head by a particular friend of mine, because obviously I was incapable of having an opinion of my own. God I'm glad that I got rid of that bastard

AcrossthePond55 Fri 17-Jul-15 04:13:23

My BFF's ex told my husband shortly after they separated that he had 'better watch out' because 'something must be going on' between she and I. You know, because the only reason she would leave him was because we were 'secretly gay'.

Some men just always have to be able to blame someone else for their woes.

daisychain01 Fri 17-Jul-15 15:57:06

It's so sad and almost inevitable that, when relationships go wrong, the ripple effect of the break up will spill over into friendships that have formed. No matter how much people try to stay impartial, it is impossible not to support the person you feel closest to, and/or the person who is being wronged, and who reaches out for support.

You didn't do anything wrong OP. Even if you had a good rapport with your friend's DH, it is only natural to respond to her needs. Particularly if he is being abusive to her.

The likelihood is that once the divorce is through you won't need to be in touch with him any longer anyway, so whether he got the 'ump at you, well I wouldn't give a flying 4X quite honestly. He'll have to get over himself, as they say.

Interestingly, the reverse happened to me with one "friend", I got on really well with her DH, but she turned into a monster. I have continued to be lifelong friends with him and she's disappeared "off to the other side of F#%* " good riddance

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