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when do you know it's over...?

10 replies

changeofnamefornow · 16/07/2015 13:14

Feel a bit guilty when I read of people with really bad situations and think I shouldn't really complain. But I am so lonely in my marriage and cant bear the thought that this is it for the rest of my life.

We have 3 teens, oldest about to go off to Uni, other 2 close behind, so will be empty nesters soon. DH likes watching sport, I don't. I have completely separate interests - he is willing to ask questions about my interests but couldn't participate.

He has never ben a good communicator - I have tried in the past but got the "oh you know I am bad at talking" and we never get anywhere. And so i stopped trying too.

We haven't had sex in over 5 years (last time was a bit of a failure anyway), but we have never discussed it. And now I simply don't fancy him at all, I wouldn't want to kiss and cuddle now anyway, it's at that stage where I don't want him to touch me. He has been guilty of snidey put downs but never anything really nasty. But enough of them. And sometimes far too much to drink - but again not like some of the DH's on here.

He is a good dad. We used to do stuff but don't now and I have no interest in trying any more.

Sounds so pathetic written down. I am so jealous of my friend who is planning early retirement so she and her DH can go travelling - she is so excited about having him back to herself, and I can think of nothing worse.

If I had to sum it up, it feels like the marriage has died of a thousand cuts, and I don't think I want to repair it - the not wanting any physical contact thing I don't think I can get round that.

Can marriages just die off over a lot of years - I am sad about that, but I think I would prefer a future on my own than years deteriorating into resentment.

Has anyone else experienced this, what did you do, can you resurrect the "fancying" bit?

thanks for any help....

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Milllii · 16/07/2015 13:27

You can resurrect the fancying bit definitely but it doesn't sound like you want to really. Does he?

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changeofnamefornow · 16/07/2015 13:36

Thanks Millii - I don't know - we never talk :( And how do you resurrect it? If I cant bear him to kiss me or at leats not anything more than a peck on the cheek?

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hellsbellsmelons · 16/07/2015 13:40

That's not living is it - it's surviving and that is all.
Of course relationships or marriages run their course and many don't survive the long haul.
He doesn't sound like he's nice to you at all.
Do you want this for the next 30+ years?
You don't we know this from your post.
But do you do now?
This is your call.
I'd start the separation process.
Do you work? Could you take on the house and mortgage on your own?
Is there a lot of equity in the property so you could set up alone?
Maybe start with seeing a solicitor to see where you stand financially.
Also CAB to find out what you would be entitled to as a single parent.
Gather information then you'll have more of an idea where to go next.
But please do make a plan to separate and start your new exciting life away from someone who puts you down and gives you no attention.
Does do anything around the house? Cook, clean, shop, washing, dishes??

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Milllii · 16/07/2015 13:42

Talk first. You really need to talk. Get it out in the open. If he is making snidy remarks then does he feel the same as you? How would you feel if you found out he were having an affair. Would you be glad and it would be a way of getting rid or would you be jealous.

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changeofnamefornow · 16/07/2015 13:49

Hellsmelons (fab name) yes he helps a bit, ironing, some hoovering but I guess i do the bulk of it, though dont mind too much. And yes I work 4 days and probably earn more than he does so I think I could buy him out if needed.

Millii you're right we do need to talk - but if he was having an affair - yes I'd be relieved because it wouldn't be me being the bad guy upsetting the applecart. And how do you even start a conversation like that. Do I just switch the footie off and say we need to talk? Here's your coffee, now can we talk about splitting up?

I hate upsetting people but cant see any way round that. Or maybe he'd be relieved too - am just going in circles. thank you for input really appreciated

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goddessofsmallthings · 16/07/2015 13:58

I suspect that the years of no sexual or other physical intimacy has lead you to put your spouse into the 'platonic box' and it will be exceedingly difficult to rekindle whatever feelings of lust you once had for him.

Communication is key but if he won't share his feelings with you or agree to participate in couples counselling, you're best advised to set the pair of you free to create more fulfilling lives alone or with other partners.

Sad to say but it sounds as if your marriage has withered on the vine and it's too late to revive it.

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Milllii · 16/07/2015 14:11

You said your last sexual encounter was a wash out. Could he have been having erection problems and that is why he hasn't approached you?

If you tell him point blank that you need to talk and make him listen to what you have to say about how you feel that the relationship has run its course. See what his response is.

Do you think if you could have sex that that in itself may spark some interest or desire in you towards him as a man rather than a housemate?

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changeofnamefornow · 16/07/2015 14:18

Spot on Millii - but it was never easy for him anyway, only worked in traditional man on top position, and never anything else at all (sorry far tmi!) and sometimes even then did sort of fizzle out, But even in the early days, no kids, when you would think you would be at it like bunnies, it was still only once a week so I suspect he just has a low sex drive. He could never manage with a condom either, seemed to make everything "disappear" so perhaps there is an issue there.

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Milllii · 16/07/2015 15:00

Condoms do seem to put the dampeners on it for some men. Reduces their sensitivity which of course makes it more difficult for them to enjoy. You must have been together a long time and I think that its easy to let the intimacy and closeness in the relationship drop by the wayside and to stop having fun as a couple , going on dates for instance and still making exciting plans for the present and the future. I see it happen in a lot of relationships at this time in their lives. Sometimes the husband has an affair as a way out or to find the spark that is missing and sometimes the wife has the affair for the same reason. Often though once the affair has run its course the person who had the affair wishes they had tried to reboot their marriage rather than stray or leave as the grass is not very often greener.

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changeofnamefornow · 16/07/2015 15:31

Miillii thanks - condoms were only in the very early days, like a week or something! I took over after that, then he got the snip post children. Yes together a while. I don't want to have an affair. But I can see why people do, easily see why. Anyway, no-ones queuing up to offer themselves so its a bit academic :)

I think the key is how to I get to where I can bear him to kiss me again or anything physical at all when I don't really want him to touch me. I know in my youth you could put up with completely incompatible people because you couldn't take your hands off them. So in some ways the lack of common interests might be a red herring.

Guess what I want is someone to say that they used to not want to even be touched by their partner never mind anything else, and they got that spark back, the physical chemistry, and how they did it.