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When does own insecurity end and genuine suspicion start?

(25 Posts)
VixforVictory Thu 16-Jul-15 12:01:08

My trust issues with DH seem to have a turn for the worse recently… And this morning I found a Body Shop receipt in a paper bag that I went to reuse – although there is one item that he always buys from there, the two on the receipt are not something that he’s ever used or that I’ve seen lying around in the house since he bought them a couple of days ago. He went away on a work trip yesterday and although the place is 50 minutes away, I found it odd that he wasn’t coming back home. He called me while I was still at work wanting to chat, and when I said that I would call him when I was finished, he said something about not being sure what time dinner was going to be served… He called me again later at night and we chatted about various things but nothing urgent and although I had found the first phone call suspicious, I didn’t give it any more thought. That was until I found the receipt this morning… Why cannot I not trust the man I love and who I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with? I sometimes question whether I am just terribly insecure but something seems odd in all of this and of course, he’s bought the times for somebody!

PamDooveOrangeJoof Thu 16-Jul-15 12:21:41

What were the items? Could they just be stuff/toiletries he wanted for his work trip?

What was his reasoning for staying in a hotel? Is his work paying for it?

Yes, I agree it's odd he hasn't come home. A 50 min commute is nothing?! Most people do that everyday?

squidzin Thu 16-Jul-15 12:30:08

I would find it highly suspicious if a man stayed over night somewhere only 50mins away.
If the items are not around or used by him, then you'd suspect they were given as a gift.

What has he said about the receipt?

VixforVictory Thu 16-Jul-15 12:30:40

They were a body butter and foot filer. He never uses body butters but yes, he could have bought them to take with him. His work is paying for it and he doesn't get to see his work colleagues as they work remotely. I personally didn't see anything wrong and would probably have stayed myself, it only made it odd as he wouldn't normally opt for that option. I am just filled with suspicion at the moment and it's a horrible place to be in...

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jul-15 12:36:28

No man I know would use body butter and a foot filer

Has he a female relative with a birthday/needing cheering up recently

Anxiousanne01 Thu 16-Jul-15 12:38:47

I personally wouldn’t find it odd that he stayed overnight. He could have had a meeting the next morning fairly early and so he gets an extra hour in bed! Especially if the company is paying for it, why not?! Especially if he doesn’t get to see work colleagues very much, basically a free social!

The body butter and foot filer though are a bit weird tbh but could he have bought them for a female colleague who was also staying in the same hotel, for instance he said ‘oh im just going to BS’ her ‘oh could you grab me a couple of bits.’

I’d be vigilant and on guard but nothing is screaming out atm. Has he a history of flirting/cheating?

shovetheholly Thu 16-Jul-15 12:41:58

I'm so sorry you're going though this, Vix. Whether your suspicions are justified or not, it is an awful psychological place to be.

Would he have been eating dinner by himself, or with work colleagues? If the latter, I don't think there's anything suspicious about worrying about timings. My DH often has work meals and never texts or calls while he's dealing with colleagues on business. Alternatively, if he were in one of those guest houses with strict meal times, then maybe it wouldn't be surprising. But in a hotel, eating by himself, then I would be suspicious too.

A body butter and a foot file seem like very, very odd romantic gifts. I personally would not be that chuffed to be handed a foot file - perfume or something would be far more normal! Which raises three possibilities - maybe he bought them for someone else in an entirely innocent way (his mother/sister/a colleague who asked him to pick them up and refunded him with cash? I remember once when I went to Boots, a male colleague asked me to pick up some deodorant for him!!) Or maybe there is an OW and he knows her really, really well. Or maybe they are a present for you at some future point??

daisyJ123 Thu 16-Jul-15 12:47:52

I don't think the staying over at the hotel sounds strange- bonus work freebie! I'd go!
Sounds like you need to talk to him about the receipt to put your mind at rest.
Feeling suspicious and insecure is totally horrible. Has he been displaying any other different behaviour lately? Any history of secretive/suspicious behaviour?

VixforVictory Thu 16-Jul-15 13:14:31

Yes, secretive & suspicious but always to do with his arrangements to see his children or to do with his ex-wife. Nothing else has ever come up. I totally agree about the night away, out of character for him but I would have happily stayed! ;-) I will speak to him about the receipt... thank you x

Milllii Thu 16-Jul-15 13:18:19

So what is the rest of your relationship like ? You seem to have other reasons to be suspicious. It sounds like you thought he was going to say something significant when he first phoned you.

Enoughalreadyyou Thu 16-Jul-15 13:52:31

I would definitely be suspicious only because in my own past I had a funny feeling about hotels and phone calls and was proved right after years of mistrust. Why not turn up as a surprise?

DorisDazzler Thu 16-Jul-15 14:29:19

I'm sorry to say I'd be very suspicious indeed. Fifty minutes is really nothing in terms of travelling. The foot filer could be part of the extra grooming that a cheater does.

penguinsaresmall Thu 16-Jul-15 14:38:14

OP I wouldn't be suspicious - if DH (or I) were getting a freebie night in a hotel to save the driving, we would take it.

And re the body butter & foot file - surely a thing for scraping off hard skin from your feet isn't something you'd buy for an illicit lover? confused

Could the Body Butter not be for you? Do you use it and does he know that?

As I say, I wouldn't be suspicious, but I don't know the back story, if there is one, which could obviously change things.

Milllii Thu 16-Jul-15 15:08:42

Vix I thought I remembered you. I was on some of your other threads in relationships. I remember the one where he was staying overnight at his ex wifes house and not telling you and she was there too. You have a lot of other threads too. He cheated on his ex wife too. The last I heard on the thread was that you hadn't had time to talk and it had all been covered over and you preferred to just move on.

I don't think he is trustworthy you know and I think your intuition and radar has been going off big time for quite a while now. He is up to no good in my opinion.

Anxiousanne01 Thu 16-Jul-15 15:18:28

Oh well this sheds a whole different light on it I think.

Be suspicious. Be vigilant.

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jul-15 15:49:40

I hadn't searched other threads, but I don't like the sound of this

Vix, it sounds there is an overwhelming pattern of untrustworthy behaviour from him and so far you have not been able to address it

why is that ?

BBQsAreSooooOverrated Thu 16-Jul-15 16:10:43

I think you're suspicious for a reason. Your dhs past actions are clearly playing on your mind. Hopefully he can explain the bs items, lime others have said a footfile is hardly a romatic gift .

LazyLouLou Thu 16-Jul-15 16:27:13

That's quite easy to ask about:

Oooh! Have you got any of that body butter left, love? I might have a long bath and pamper myself!

nequidnimis Thu 16-Jul-15 17:08:52

I doubt those items were a gift for an OW but they could have been shopping together - so she bought the items for herself and he ended up with the receipt.

TokenGinger Thu 16-Jul-15 18:05:16

This thread in isolation, I'd say there's nothing to worry about. Even if the body butter and foot filer isn't a usual thing to use, I'd imagine there's a logical explanation - eg he was in Body Shop with a colleague at the time, she'd forgotten her purse and paid back later. Vice versa, a colleague may have gone to get their own things, your DH asked them to pick his thing up and hey just passed it over in the bag with the receipt still in.

However, in light of other threads mentioned, I understand your suspicions

PamDooveOrangeJoof Thu 16-Jul-15 22:26:44

Is he definitely away with work and not staying with an ow/his ex wife?

A foot filer sounds like a present you would only buy for someone/ask someone to buy for you, if you knew them very, very well and were passed the honeymoon stage!!

HappenstanceMarmite Thu 16-Jul-15 23:35:43

A foot filer sounds like a present you would only buy for someone/ask someone to buy for you, if you knew them very, very well and were passed the honeymoon stage!!

Yes. Ex wife fits that bill...

LadyBlaBlah Fri 17-Jul-15 00:16:15

If those items are for someone else, they are either incredibly intimate with each other already or he's completely inappropriate.

I think further investigation on your behalf is absolutely warranted and not paranoid.

Sickoffrozen Fri 17-Jul-15 07:16:57

Is it ex wife birthday coming up?

Can't see these being for a mistress. Hardly Chanel perfume is it?

Ultimately though if you can't trust somebody then it's better not to have them in your life. You would then need to question if you can trust anyone.

mrstweefromtweesville Fri 17-Jul-15 07:40:41

Foot filer? Not for your mistress. Definitely not. Maybe his feet are dry. A foot filer and body butter might help.

Unless he has a foot fetish you don't know about.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be suspicious. If you're feeling that way there's probably a reason. But these things might not be evidence.

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