Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I am being EA in this situation?

(46 Posts)
ItOccurredToMe Thu 16-Jul-15 11:06:35

I don't fully understand EA to be honest. It seems that it can be interpreted in different ways, and so I'm not sure if I am being EA in one aspect.

I read somewhere that withholding sex to show displeasure of a partner is a sign of EA. But my DH comes home from work, tired and hungry, and only wants to sit and eat in front of the TV until bedtime.

Thats cool, I know that everyone needs to wind down, and I used to need my own time for a while when I was working the same hours as him. I don't mind that.

But what I do mind is how that he reacts if I try to talk to him about necessities. For example. last night I mentioned our DC's emotional reaction to something, so that DH would be aware of it in the following days, and could handle it in the best possible way with all the information available to him.

I also asked if he'd picked up my phone (he does that a lot, as they look alike), and whether he's expecting to sleep in tomorrow (we take it in turns to do the school run when he's got a day off).

He reacted with a huge sigh and flinging his arms dramatically on the wall, as though he was being spread-eagled for a police search or something! He was doing a visible but silent groan as he looked up to the ceiling. I could hear in his tone of voice that he didn't want to have any communication. He has always said he doesn't want to talk when he's going to bed as he's too tired.

But once in bed, this "too tired" person wants to play on the ipad, or when I come to bed, have sex. Anything but talk. Even if it's about everyday things and not deep and meaningful heart-to-hearts.

I don't want to have sex with someone who won't communicate with me properly. So I am not sure if I am being EA?

amimadd Thu 16-Jul-15 11:10:26

Whats EA?

yougotafriend Thu 16-Jul-15 11:11:14

No you are not being EA. You aren't withholding sex, you are just not in the mood because of his lack of communication (and respect).

My stbxh used to complain that I didn't want sex but my standard response was that my minimum prerequisite to sex was for him to be nice to me..

yougotafriend Thu 16-Jul-15 11:11:41

Emotionally Abusive

ItOccurredToMe Thu 16-Jul-15 11:13:21

I guess I don't know the difference between not being in the mood because of someone not being nice, and withholding sex because someone's displeased you. It kind of seems the same difference to me. I think my compass must be way off.

amimadd Thu 16-Jul-15 11:16:04

IMO men seem to want 'their cake and eat it' - if he hasn't spoken to you all day how does he expect you to be intimate with him?!

ItOccurredToMe Thu 16-Jul-15 11:20:23

I've talked to him about it many times and he says in order to want to talk to me he has to feel close first, and can only achieve that closeness with sex.

I told him in order for me to want to have sex with him I need to have decent communication first, so he said it's a stalemate and doesn't see why he should be the one to do all the giving.

badtime Thu 16-Jul-15 11:23:25

The difference is in your motivation. If you are not having sex because you don't feel like having sex (for whatever reason), that is different from not having sex because you want someone else to feel bad.

LindyHemming Thu 16-Jul-15 11:25:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badtime Thu 16-Jul-15 11:29:25

Sorry I didn't see your update - so talking to you in a respectful way is 'all the giving'. Yeah, I can see how that is so much more unreasonable than expecting you to have sex with a disrespectful oaf.

TBH, there does appear to be an element of EA in your relationship, but not coming from you.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 16-Jul-15 11:30:29

But but, the things you were asking him were not unreasonable, they're just standard questions that people who share a house/children need to talk about. Apparently however you are only allowed to discuss them if you have sex first (a cynic doubts that trying to discuss them afterwards would be any more fruitful, but maybe you've tried?).

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jul-15 11:55:09

no you are not being EA

who would want to have sex with a twat like him ? confused

ItOccurredToMe Thu 16-Jul-15 11:55:36

Truth is, he doesn't mean talking straight after DTD. He means just he really being open to more communication.

shirleybasseyslovechild Thu 16-Jul-15 12:09:46

he's not very kind is he ?
I presume he is able to communicate with friends and colleagues without first having sex with them?

ItOccurredToMe Thu 16-Jul-15 12:36:17

Yes he can have lovely conversations at work. In fact he tells me that he uses up all his niceness there, and is "spent" by the time he gets home.

He says everyone is the same but they just don't admit it.

ItOccurredToMe Thu 16-Jul-15 12:37:29

The trouble is I get a bit passive aggressive I think, and start telling him he's a fucker. And then I feel bad for EA as name-calling and reminding of failures is supposed to be EA as well! shock

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jul-15 12:38:16

No, everybody is not like him

If he can't be arsed to be decent to you, what is the point of your relationship ?

They should enhance your life, not drag you down

When it gets to that point, it's time to call it a day

LindyHemming Thu 16-Jul-15 12:40:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badtime Thu 16-Jul-15 12:45:30

Why are you so convinced that you are in the wrong?

ItOccurredToMe Thu 16-Jul-15 12:53:25

He's an alcoholic so I suppose he doesn't do as well without his comfort (drink). I remember reading a bit about families of alcoholics and how once the person is dry they are expected to make up for lost time, which apparently is unreadable as they have an hourly struggle to stay on the recovery road. It made me feel that; if I stay with this man, I have to accept e will always struggle to be a normal person that way.

Of course there is the flip side to the coin, the possibility that he could use it as an excuse forever, but I lack wisdom over the whole thing.

If it were just me, I'd have left a long time ago. But I am not so sure I can do it to the kids, as realistically there is no such thing as the perfect relationship, and if it wasn't his selfishness it would be something else. When he's nice he does make me laugh and I can approach him (usually after he's eaten, on his day off!) for help if I need it.

My aunt told me that every relationship has one person investing more than the other, and I think it's probably true. Perhaps not at the start, but after a few years.

But I'm glad I'm not being EA as I was feeling guilty about that, but it seems perhaps unnecessarily.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Thu 16-Jul-15 12:54:14

So, he might consider being civil with you if you have sex with him. He admits that he doesn't give you the same basic respect that he gives to his co-workers. And he blames this on you?

You may not be perfect OP, and name calling is not nice, but your husband by his own admission is not a nice person at all.

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jul-15 12:55:10

Bloody mean you have signed yourself up for a life sentence of this ?

I feel sorry for you

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jul-15 12:55:11

Bloody mean you have signed yourself up for a life sentence of this ?

I feel sorry for you

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jul-15 12:55:38

oops, double post

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jul-15 12:56:12

Your aunt sounds like a ridiculous manpleaser

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: