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Can we come back from this?

(8 Posts)
DoeEyedNear Thu 16-Jul-15 10:37:18

I've namechanged

Last night my husband and I had the row to end all rows. I did what I always do and pushed and pushed but this time he snapped and ended it.

We have had so much stress put on us from outside the relationship, a parent arrested and due in court any day, a parent in hospital, pregnancy losses, disability, redundancy, grandparents passing away, a major car accident. We have really been through it.

My way of coping has been to bury my head in the sand and not talk. His way has been to drink and not talk. When we do talk it always ends in an explosive row with him doing all the shouting and me not talking.

When we work, we work extremely well. Ordinarily we have an incredibly strong marriage and are good friends as well as partners but recently we have stopped everything and are leading separate lives only really talking over dinner before putting the kids to bed then he goes off to the computer and I go and watch TV.

I really want to make our marriage work but whenever I've approached him he's made it clear he doesn't want to talk. I've been physically sick several times at the thought of this being it and I can't imagine my life without him in it.

I sound sad and desperate don't I? I don't know what to do any more or how to retrieve this.

IreallyKNOWiamright Thu 16-Jul-15 22:39:47

hey sorry no one has replied yet.
it's difficult when men refuse to talk. I have applied for counselling myself because my dh is a very private person and won't talk to me or anyone about his feelings. Could this be a possibility for you to do individual counselling? And see if things improve if you are able to speak with someone else?

PegPeg Thu 16-Jul-15 22:55:01

I agree with the above poster - try counselling - jointly or separately or both. I don't know why so many people view this as a last resort....? It can be incredibly helpful to have someone provide that neutral ground.

You've both been through the mill recently, and so tensions are understandable. It sounds like all of this is the result of external unfortunate circumstances.

But if you and your husband have an ordinarily strong relationship, I'd say the outlook is fair smile provided you're both still willing to try...

Don't give up just yet.... it sounds like your marriage has a strong basis. Try to communicate better, be more patient, more empathetic and more compassionate with one another. If you find this a struggle, get a marriage counsellor to help you with this.

Joysmum Fri 17-Jul-15 07:10:18

I did what I always do and pushed and pushed

What do you mean you pushed and pushed?

DoeEyedNear Fri 17-Jul-15 10:51:24

Thank you for your replies. I suggested counselling and he refuses to as it's 'not his thing'

By pushed I mean I pushed my luck and let everything out and was pretty horrible to him

PegPeg Fri 17-Jul-15 12:56:39

DoeEyed, could you put the counselling idea to him in another way?

For example, "I understand how you feel about counselling, and that you feel it isn't your thing; but it is my thing, I personally find it really helpful. So, I'm going to arrange to see a marriage counsellor, because I feel I need a little help finding a way through our issues. And I really do want us to find a way through it. It would be great if you'd consider coming with me. If not, I will go on my own, and hopefully I can bring some useful stuff back from it that helps us".

You might find that he'd rather come with you and be part of it, than for you to go on your own...

PegPeg Fri 17-Jul-15 12:57:33

^ In any case, I think it would be more helpful for at least one of you to go to counselling, than neither of you.

IreallyKNOWiamright Fri 17-Jul-15 13:30:10

yes, when we feel our other halves are withdrawing it creates an atmosphere and adds extra stress to normal daily life. Do go and get get assessed for individual counselling. I even found the assessment helpful and felt even then I had stuff of my chest. you could do it via nhs or privately.
My dh is really refusing counselling like yours. I have learnt to focus more on myself and less on him. Can you get him out for the evening cause I know my dh talks more after some beer ;-)

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