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The silent treatment

(15 Posts)
goindowntoyasgursfarm Thu 16-Jul-15 07:45:48

Would anyone have any links to good articles or other evidence showing that giving your partner the silent treatment is a form of control?

And not, as my DP would have it, a form of depression that sets in after an argument with me - not when he manages to keep up perfectly normal relations with everyone else in his life, DC, work colleagues etc.

Thank you in advance sad

Hissy Thu 16-Jul-15 07:48:46

Google stonewalling.

One of the WORST forms of emotional abuse there is.

Next time he sulks, tell him to pack and leave.

He will only get worse, he thinks he's entitled to trey you like this.

He's absolutely NOT.

Skiptonlass Thu 16-Jul-15 08:01:09

A form of depression that sets in after an argument with me = sulking when you don't do what I want.

That's not depression, it's manipulation.

You might want to point that out to him. see what the reaction is.

It is controlling - it's the same MO as calling women a nag (you're asking me to do something I don't want) or a shrill feminist (I'm expressing views that differentiate me from a doormat.)

butterflygirl15 Thu 16-Jul-15 08:07:25

You don't need to prove anything to him - he is not going to change because you show him an article.

Why not just get rid? What other lovely behaviours does he display I wonder?

DorisDazzler Thu 16-Jul-15 13:38:46

I agree with butterflygirl. You don't need to prove to him that it's wrong or find evidence to support it. He knows it bothers you , that's the whole point of doing it. It's abusive behaviour and abusers simply don't respond to reasonable requests. I'd tell him to leave next time.

onereminder Thu 16-Jul-15 14:10:40

Twatty thing for him to do, but am I the only one who cringes every time the term "emotional abuse" is tossed around like confetti, when typically what's being described is mildly inappropriate behaviour?

DorisDazzler Thu 16-Jul-15 14:34:27

I've rarely seen the term casually tossed around. Silent treatment IS abusive and is not just mildly inappropriate behaviour.

SuperBeeRecharged Thu 16-Jul-15 14:34:27

It doesn't have to be EA to be wrong. My DH has been doing this to me for over 10 years. I always thought it's because that's how he is, doesn't like talking things thru, but than i realised he's doing it only because he knows how much i hate it. It's a manipulation technique.

Joysmum Thu 16-Jul-15 14:50:19

Of course you are going to get some very negative responses but I don't think anyone can pass judgement without a little more info.

How long is it for?

I too go silent and tend to keep out of the way until I can gather my own thoughts.

Arguments with my DH are so much worse than with anyone else and I struggle to compar myself and keep rational. It takes a bit of time recover but he knows it's not done for any other reason than that.

So yes it can be a sign of control and abuse but not always.

The fact that you need to ask makes me suspect in your case it is though sad

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 16-Jul-15 15:15:50

I think there is a big difference in quietly collecting your thoughts and completely ignoring someone, regardless of social situations, children and life activities.

My ex would stonewall me for weeks when he was in the wrong and I challenged him on it.

The main effect was for be to beg him to speak, plead to communicate, apologise just to bring normality to the family. In his eyes then, he'd won and that meant it was all my fault.

My current partner likes to mull in solitude over his thoughts. He just tells me this is what he's doing, and doesn't leave me in agony wondering what the fuck I've done.

It is abuse. It's awful. The funny thing is, by the end of our relationship I was fucking sick of him, so I relished the silence and didn't respond. He didn't expect this, and it really annoyed him. It's attention seeking. If you are stuck in this pattern, ignore back, or call him out in front of others if it's safe...

He looked ridiculous when I used to apologise in front of him to people in a social setting. Big twat.

blueribbons Thu 16-Jul-15 15:23:02

WallyBanters, I had the same thing with my ex - for years his silent treatment bothered me, but by the end it was a relief when he went into a week long sulk. I loved the peace and quiet - it took away that power from him, but it also demonstrated that we were beyond saving, because neither really cared about the other's feelings any more!

SuperBeeRecharged Thu 16-Jul-15 15:38:51

WallyWankers wow that sounds exactly like my DH, EXACTLY! I always apologize for the sake of keeping peace. And u r right, when i did the same to him he hated it. Unfortunately that's not a resolution, eventually it just deteriorates the relationship even more.

kittykarate Thu 16-Jul-15 15:48:34

I go silent, but that's because I'm too busy pushing my anger deep inside until it is a burning diamond of resentment (not healthy) and I'm afraid of escalating an argument by saying hurtful things. Usually lasts until I can get away for a bit and get my head back together.

Hissy Fri 17-Jul-15 13:56:14

Kitty - depression is anger turned inwards love, please try to express your anger, it will really help keep you mentally safer. Go out and shout in the woods or something, or talk things through to yourself? About why you are feeling what you are feeling and then analyse if the feelings are rational or not and then see if you can allow yourself to let go of the feelings?

My ex was abusive, and arguing with him was dangerous, the life I lead was literally torture (and I know what literally means smile isolation for months, screamed at, humiliated, hit etc), i found talking arguments through prepared me to be able to broach subjects calmly and more constructively. Helps steady my nerves nowadays too, if there is a situation I am nervous about.

suchafuss Fri 17-Jul-15 23:18:34

Hissy - you always have good advice!smile

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