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Is my boyfriend abusive?(49 Posts)
Hello, I'm 18 and my boyfriend is also 18. He's done a few things which I think I'm abusive but I'm not 100% sure. When these things happen, I can objectively see that they could be classed as abuse but I don't know, i don't really feel like I'm being abused abused if that makes sense? And I don't think he realises that what he's doing is wrong? So i'm unsure.
Some of the things that have happened:
- He won't take no as an answer. When I do say 'no' to him for whatever reason, he becomes moody, petulant and very argumentative.
- I was supposed to go to his house one day but I ended up not going as I was too tired. He was very angry. He was tired too (for the same reason) but he managed to wake up early and make an effort and clean his house in preparation. I understand that this is annoying and i was wrong, but his reaction was quite extreme. He said he considered 'never talking to me again' and when I offered to go the next day, he said he didn't want to look at my face. He calmed down after a few hours but I was quite shocked at his extreme reaction to (what I thought) was a small issue. I'm still unsure about this incident. Maybe I WAS wrong and he had a right to be extremely irritated?
-Before we had the 'defining the relationship' talk, he made out with his ex while drunk at a party. He knew it was wrong because he called me that very night to explain and apologise. I ended things the next day, but we still talked every day. One of the conversations we had was really odd. He said he was unsure of his feelings, was confused and sometimes when he expressed his feelings, he wasn't sure what he actually felt and whether he was kidding himself or not. He later came said that he was wrong and begged for another chance. I agreed as I felt (and still feel) like he was being genuine. However, he sometimes 'jokes' about how much he hates me and my 'stupid face'. He probably is just joking but when he does, I can't help but remember the conversation we had.
I feel stupid typing this and I know that if a friend was in this situation and came to me for advice I would tell them that it really wasn't worth it. I know that I should probably end things, but I suffer from depression and anxiety and he really does make me happy (when we're not having a petty argument). I think he genuinely likes me and he doesn't do any of this on purpose. He also really cares and tries to help with the depression thing but fails (because he's not a very empathetic person), but it's the thought that counts right? I'm really confused.
He doesn't like you, it is on purpose. It's not "wrong" to be tired. If he lived you he wouldn't "joke" about how much he hates you and your "stupid face" - these are not the words of a loving relationship.
You are 18. You don't need someone who makes "jokes" about your stupid face.
It is ok to go out with someone and decide he isn't for you. You don't even need to label him abusive - you just have to think - no not making me happy, thanks but we should split.
and the thought that counts thing - not really. It is actions and results that tend to matter in life and often it is pretty hard to figure out what someone's actual thoughts and intentions are. What someone makes you feel or how they act is a far greater indicator of who they are.
Actually if you were 58 you STILL wouldn't need someone who makes jokes about your stupid face. Not sure why I put your age in!
Sigh. I really do feel like he does like me in his own way and I do actually think the stupid face thing is a joke, but you're most probably right. How do I break up with him though? The last time I tried (after he cheated) I felt like I was dying. I felt so terrible in fact that I decided to take him back, just to stop the pain. (And also I hated the thought of him being anywhere near the girl he cheated with). Are these extreme emotions normal or could it be because my mental health isn't great to begin with?
You know the answer yourself. It's not worth it.
No, its not abuse. He is a (fairly typical) immature 18 year old boy who doesn't know what he wants.
You deserve better so move on.
I really do feel like he does like me in his own way
His own way isn't good enough. You deserve infinitely better.
Get away, the sooner the better. Abusive or just immature, doesn't matter. U r at the beginning stages of ur relationship, it should be all smiles and butterflies in ur stomach. If it's like this now, imagine what will be in a year. Maybe he just needs to mature before having a relationship.
yes. he doesn't really like you, cant offer any advice as my niece is in the same position as you but I feel like were hitting our heads against a brick wall trying to get through to her.
you deserve better. There are men out there who will kiss your feet and treat you like a princess, you just need to let go of this loser and go find them!
He cheated! Drop him. You might feel like you are dying but you won't. You'll be fine in a week or two. Take care of yourself and mind and watch your depression but otherwise, you'll get over him.
If you start with this drama now at age 18 of "I can't live without him" "He is not nice to me but I think he loves me in his own way" this will be the way all your adult relationships will work - not a good idea. Years of potential misery
Dump him, take some time for yourself, feel confident that some day when you are mature you will meet a nice mature man who takes you at your own valuation - which should be a lot higher than putting up with an 18 year old cheater with a dodgy "sense of humour" In the meantime enjoy dating or seeing people socially.
You're 18, he's so not worth the stress. He does not define your happiness, or your misery. Get rid of him and get out of the habit of taking him back. Don't accept that he is allowed to makes jokes about you that make you feel sad. If it makes you upset, its not a joke. Get your glad rags on, rally your girlfriends and go to the pub/cinema/nail salon together, have a giggle and bitch about him, but don't take him back. If he makes you sad now, he will make you sad in a year. Dump him and delete his number. He probably will go back to this other girl, but if he's that easily swayed (ie, if he's not "got" you, then he'll just "have" her) then he doesn't respect you anyway and you can do better regardless.
Put yourself ten years into your future: stay with him and he will cheat again, cheaters like him always cheat. You now have little confidence because he upped the I don't like your face, to you are ugly. You have children and the cheater is the worst father ever, he doesn't help around the house and he chips away at your children's confidence. He doesn't want to spend time with you and the children. You don't have any feelings left for him and you wished you had listened. You want to leave and now have to start again, with children to support and no expectations of help.
Ten years later into the future: you listened to the excellent advice. You went through the pain of separating from this loser and made a good life for yourself. You eventually met your DH who loves you very much and he loves your face and always will. You have a warm cosy home and your children are healthy and very much loved. Life is good.
Which path will you take?
There are an awful lot of women out there who would dearly love to sit down with their 18/21/30 year old selves and tell them in no uncertain terms that they deserve better. To ditch the loser they're dating and to go out and live their lives.
He's a cheating, petulant man child. I don't think his behaviour is abusive but it's certainly shitty. You can do better than that.
Silence the 'but I really love him/he's lovely most of the time" stuff that'll pop up in your head.
Ditch him and find someone else. Or be single for a bit. Enjoy life.
You can leave him. Yes it might be painful in the short term. But that is so much better than a year maybe more of this constant negativity and nastiness. You deserve better and have plenty of time. Ditch him. Put your own interests first. Forget what he's doing. None of it reflects on you. Wating your life in misery would reflect on you. Find some happiness. You might be a lot younger than me, but life isn't long enough to justify keeping yourself miserable!
As Muldje said, look at the future if he's unable to make you happy now at the beginning of your lives how bad is it going to be in 10 years time? Even the best relationships suffer under the stress of everyday life and all its ups and downs. Also look at all the threads in Relationships where the Op is desperate to leave their partner but feels trapped by having children together, financial or other practical issues. Don't let that be you.
I remember splitting up with someone when I was 19 and just crying hysterically and it did feel so painful but actually it was totally the right thing to do and actually I didn't like him all that much anyway. At your age emotions can be very high and raw but that is okay, they are what they are, but staying with someone who undermines your confidence won't help your mental health.
Ultimately it a emotional abuse. That's how it will start...your young and probably won't listen to the advice given on this page as it is very easy for us to say get rid of him. But it won't last luv. X
Yes yes yes it is. And well done you for being intelligent enough to come here and test your thoughts.
It took me 12 years it was so subtle. Don't be me.
Now take your strength and break this. As Dr. Seuss says- you have brains in your head and feet in your shoes, you can steer yourself any direction you choose."
So steer yourself away from this massive asshat, you are young and bright and have the world ahead of you. Be happy.
You say he becomes moody, petulant and very argumentative when you say no to anything - does this include sex?
he sometimes 'jokes' about how much he hates me and my 'stupid face'. He probably is just joking
If it's a joke, it's a particularly cruel and unfunny one made by someone with a desire to make you feel small, not a sense of humour. Do you want to be with someone who makes jokes like that? I wouldn't.
He sounds like bad news: best end it and cut all contact for some time.
You do not NEED him, or any partner. You will not die without him and can cope with the pain of the breakup. If your mental health is poor there is help available: someone who treats you like this will not help.
What do your friends and parents think of him? Breaking up is very painful but you'll be stronger next time. No one should put up with abuse but at 18, with no children you can set the bar very high.
Whether he is abusive or not - you need to get rid. You can finish a relationship for whatever reason you like, you don't need to label it as anything if you want to end it.
You know you deserve better than this, so please value yourself and get rid. And ask yourself why you think you are worth so little.
Just to reassure you that your anxiety and jealousy/heartbroken feelings have nothing to do with your mental health, they are absolutely normal to feel when you break up with someone who you feel you love. The same thing happened to me when I was between 18 and 23 and I have no anxiety issues or self esteem problems! I took to my bed crying and felt like I wanted to die of my broken heart...and then I took him back and the same thing happened again and eventually I had to suck it up, grit my teeth and get through the few days/weeks of getting miserable, jealous, lovely etc. But life does go on and it's like going to the dentist, it has to be done! Don't let your awareness of any previous mental health issues make you worry about breaking up...you're going to do more damage to yourself staying with this guy than leaving. Onwards and upwards!
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