Hello wonderful people of mumsnet. This is my first post here, but I'm a long time lurker, and I'm in desperate need of someone to talk to. I'm very fragile at the minute, so please, be gentle!
Me (25) and my partner have been together for almost five years, we were very loved up to start with, and moved out very quickly, within 8 months of being together. After we moved out, which I now realise was much too soon, I quickly became overwhelmed with the amount of things that had to be done to maintain a household, as well as looking after the dog, and trying to keep my partner in the best health possible (several health issues, including some serious ones). I struggle with anxiety/depression and my partner, for lack of a better word, was completely useless around the house. I felt as though the whole weight of everything was on me, and no matter how many times I tried to speak to him about things he would snap at me. We didn't really talk, he wasn't "present" iyswim. It later transpired that he was fighting his own demons during that time (he never said a word about it) and has now sought help and is a completely changed person. The trouble is, I shut down during that time. I didn't leave because I love him, and I had hope that things would change. Now that things have I can't reconnect at all and I'm so sad and confused. I love him so much, he is my best friend, and I can't bear to not have him in my life. But I don't feel comfortable in the relationship, I don't feel happy and content as I should. I'm just surviving and I feel like I can't be happy.
We are now "on a break". I have come to stay at my mum and dads (they are away) and left him at the house. This came about because I couldn't hold in how I was feeling any longer.
I guess I don't really have a question, I just can't stop crying and I need to talk to someone. I feel like I've lost a limb but I know how I felt being in the relationship, and it wasn't good
You love DP a lot and you're sad that you can't reconnect. I think you shut down because you were hurt and you still have that to work through before you can feel happy and 'friends' with DP again. It's not unnatural, and it will take time, of course it will. Use this time that you have alone to plan what you want and try to talk to someone in RL.