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Lashes out at DH, what now...

(36 Posts)
SuperBeeRecharged Wed 15-Jul-15 16:36:18

First time posting here so thank you for reading.
I've been having issues in my marriage for about 2 years now. DH was getting distant and cold with me, but whenever i would try to talk to him about it, he'd say everythig is fine, our marriage is great, it's all in my head. Last year i got pregnant with our 3rd baby. The timing was difficult, he had a lot of stress at work and i felt like our marriage needed improvement before having another baby. The pregnancy was beautiful but my emotional state was at it's worse. I was so deeply depressed, i cried every day. Relationship was getting worse, lack of intimacy, lack of physical affection, lack of emotional support. We had some conversations about it, biggest one after the baby was born. He blamed everything on work and stress this time and some things on me, but said he will fix it. Nothing has changed and my anger and resentment just kept growing. Im having difficulty controling my emotions as a result, but felt that if I keep talking about it, we'll just have another fight, and if i keep it inside, it will eat me up. So yesterday i finally couldn't hold it in anymore and completely blew up on DH with my every thought and feeling, lots of it was said with sarcasm. I must add that all our serious conversations and fights take place via text mssgs, for some reason we can express ourselves better that way. He seemed to shot down after, came home very late and slept on the couch.
As bad as i feel for exploding on him like that, i feel very liberated and just plain good for getting it out of my system... Is that weird?
Where do i go from here. I feel like i need to apologize, but i feel like that will just take me to square one and it will be all my falt and nothing will get fixed.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

YellowTulips Wed 15-Jul-15 17:24:53

Not that I think how you went about it was the most productive way, I do think perhaps it's a case of "better out than in".

Assuming you want to move this relationship to a better place I would think about the following.

Given you both seem to find written comms an easier way to manage arguments I'd write a letter.

I'd acknowledge that your outburst wasn't the best way to handle the situation, but also say that it's a very clear sign of how much you have bottled up and that you both need to find a way to work through the issues as you don't want to get into that state again.

I'd list out your concerns in a very factual way (don't include anything petty, concentrate on the top 3/4 issues), ask him if his concerns were the same or if he had a different view and then ask how he thought you could best look to move forward.

You could say you are happy to do this face to face, with counselling or even email/letter.

YellowTulips Wed 15-Jul-15 17:27:39

Sorry should add that I would end with that ignoring these problems really isn't an option any more and if he doesn't want to work with you to address them then any outlook for the future is bleak wrt to your marriage.

SuperBeeRecharged Wed 15-Jul-15 17:34:34

Thank you so much!
It definitely wasn't very productive and i know i probably did more damage than good. But i do feel guilty for feeling better.
I have donw that in the past, written emails. Concentrating on the top issues. The problem is that his apology to meat thetimw seemed very general andthw promises for change were not noticable. The problem with a general apology is that it doesn't have much to do with my actual issues with him. He doesn't take responsibily for those, blames me, or ignores it, so he is not sorry for the things im actually upset about and has no plans to make any changes there. That's why when heis making an effort in general, i can't fully appreciate it because im not over the bigger issues at hand. Does that make sense?

YellowTulips Wed 15-Jul-15 18:01:52

Yes it does make sense.

In which case as yourself this...

Are you willing to stay with someone who doesn't care enough about your unhappiness to make any attempt to resolve its cause?

You can't "fix" a relationship unless both parties are willing to put everything they have into doing so.

SuperBeeRecharged Wed 15-Jul-15 18:07:47

It's a hard question I've been asking myself all year. It made it extra difficult because i was pregnant, and i am completely dependent on him as i am a sahm. I never thought id have to ask myself this. I feel like he is emotionally abusing me because nothing is ever his fault. I never start a conversation with attacks and axcusations, i mention an issue that i feel needs to be worked on and it is ignored. So what could have been a simple fix eventually turns into this huge thing where im the villain for nagging and being unappreciative and pushing him away. I feel like a crazy person bcs somehow i always end up apologizing. I can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results.
Btw, thank u for letting me talk about it.

SuperBeeRecharged Wed 15-Jul-15 18:24:51

I sent him a txt saying sorry for exploding on him and that i wish it didn't have to get that far, but that its very frustrating to constantly have my feelings dismissed.

YellowTulips Wed 15-Jul-15 18:27:06

You are welcome smile

Consider your statement "I can't keep doing the same thing".

If you have already tried to address these problem and he won't engage, then he's learned that there are no consequences.

Bit like dealing with a child wink

So repeating the same pattern only cements his response - a few meaningless platitudes and carry on acting the asshole....until next time then rinse and repeat...

So what you have learned is you need to break the status quo.

Go see a solicitor and find out your rights. Then start to plan a future without him.

Then instigate a separation.

This might be enough to shake him out of his complacency, but too be honest I doubt it. Anyway I'm not sure (actually am positive) I'd want to waste anymore time on someone who clearly had no respect for me.

Life is far to short to live like this and your kids are too precious to see their mum unhappy.

SuperBeeRecharged Wed 15-Jul-15 18:34:00

U r right in everything u said! It really is a behavior without consequences. My priority was always to keep peace at home, and he is the type that shuts down and needs time to cool off without discussing anything, whether its me at fault or him. So im truly hoping that my irrational behavior will shake things up a bit. I think he should be as scared to lose me as i am loosing him.
My kids have already seen me cry waaay too much, and even thou they r little, they r smarter than ud think.

YellowTulips Wed 15-Jul-15 18:35:05

Sorry, I have to ask, but his emotional distance from you is a bit of a red flag for an this a possibility?

YellowTulips Wed 15-Jul-15 18:37:05

You say to are scared to lose him, but thinking rationally it feels like you'd be losing very little hmm

Lweji Wed 15-Jul-15 18:43:14

How are you feeling about it all at the moment?
Do you feel like giving up or are you willing to still give it a last go?

In future conversations, I'd use a positive language. Negative comments can reinforce the problems. What can he do and what can you do?
Can you work out a plan and stick to it?
Regarding the conversations, a letter can be useful, but I think you do need to be more personal, as it seems you have avoided it. I'd arrange a walk to talk side to side or make sure you're looking into each others eyes.
Mention good things too to remind each other of what gets you together.
I think I'd also look at transactional analysis and make sure you speak to each other in adult mode.

Now, you could go through all this and still decide you're better off apart. He certainly has to make 50% of the effort.
But being able to communicate better, at worst, may give you a better separation.

YellowTulips Wed 15-Jul-15 18:44:54

I've got to head out for a bit but will check your thread later.

In the meantime I'm sure other MN's will offer their advice.thanks

SuperBeeRecharged Wed 15-Jul-15 18:52:49

U can ask anything... That was one of my questions when we started talking about it all. I asked him where is he getting his needs met and why he shows no interest in me. He said it's all work and stress and it is effecting his libido, and me being moody. But my depression is a result of it. He would never have an affair (althou u never really know someone). So i brought up porn issue, and my concerns that it may be effecting our sex life, and that he seems to have libido for that. (My pregnancy could not have been an issue since we always had our regular sex life the first 2 times). Unfortunately for him, i knew too much about it for him to deny. Althou he gave me a lie after lie after lie bcs he did not know how much i knew. There was no reason to hide or lie because i always knew about his porn use, we have watched it together at the beginning, before the age of smart phones. I just didn't realise how much of it was used solo. So it was extremely insulting for me because i was already feeling insecure because of body changes and self concious because of his lack of affection. He took zero responsibility for it and said it has no effect on our sex life.

SuperBeeRecharged Wed 15-Jul-15 19:03:48

Communication is a big problem. I want to talk and sort things out before bedtime, he wants to shut down and do dilent treatment for days or weeks. That's why txting has worked for us. My first few attemts were calm, cool and collected, with love and understanding. I even did research on how to approach it. Last time it all ended sweet. But nothing changed. And my stupid thoughts and emotions just kept nagging me, i could not get over certain things he said in those conversations. Its my fault i could not let it go,but moving on would mean ignoring the problem once again. I tried for few months but i can't live a pretend fake life.
Ifeel a little scared at the moment, im leaving it up to him what the next move will be.

SuperBeeRecharged Wed 15-Jul-15 19:19:37

Thank u YellowTulips smile

YellowTulips Wed 15-Jul-15 22:21:29

Why do you think "leaving it up to him" will result in any outcome other than the stalemate he's been manipulating for the last few years?

What's different this time?

It reads like he is totally emotionally disengaged - likely related to porn addition.

Your kids are seeing a mother unhappy and distressed and yet this is a status quo he wants to maintain.

He knows you are unhappy yet won't do anything to address the problems.

I really can't see you have any option but to leave. If not for yourself, the for your children - you can't allow your kids to be exposed to this emotionally toxic environment.

I really think you need to see a lawyer and start planning a life beyond this.

Bedtime now for me. Get some rest OP thanks

Lweji Wed 15-Jul-15 22:55:33

I'll have to agree with Tulips, then.

It looks like you have reached the end of the road with him.

Now, be prepared for a difficult time when leaving. He is likely to seem to get it finally and make an effort, probably big gestures. Some emotional blackmail and possibly actual threats.

If you leave it to him nothing will happen in all likelihood because it has been like this for ages and he is fine with it. It's entirely on his terms.

You will have to be proactive here, or you will still be in exactly the same place in 10 or 20 years, except that you will have given up pushing him.

SuperBeeRecharged Wed 15-Jul-15 23:25:50

Its sorr of a wake up call to hear you both say that. Im afraid of being in the same spot for decades to come. Its also difficult because i can't talk to any of my family or friends about it because the issues are just too embarrasing.
It hasn't always been like this thou. I mean his disregard for my concerns has always been the same just about different issuea. But our sex life, affection for eachother, our family life has been very happy. We seemed like an exemplary couple.
I suspended porn addiction, but i thought maybei just read too many articles and too many blogs on that topic so maybe im exaggerating the situation. He should have no reason to abandon me like that. Im very open minded when it comes to sex (which is partly why it would be embarrassing to talkto friends about it, they just wouldn't believe it knowing me). I do whatever he wantsand with enthusiam. I look amazing even after having 3 kids. I take care of myself better than i did before kids. I just dont believe that stress from work and financial worry could make a man "forget" to kiss his wife for 4 weeks at a time. If i didn't initiate or show any affectiona first, he likely wouldn't either. Now that we r fighting, its obviously making it harder for either of us to cuddle to eachother. I see a side of him I've never known, and am starting to think that he has always been this way just not in front of me, and the last 2 years it started to come out...
Im leaving it up to him meaning i have no idea how he will react because I've never acted this aggressively before. Either he will leave me, or think about it and make some changes (althou his habits r not likely to change without hard work and it requires HIS desire to actually change, not just blame me). I will give him time to cool off and in the mean time will think about my next step. He is great with the kids and doing family things together, so it doesn't look like a toxic environment except for me crying when he is at work or when everyone is sleeping.
I needed a fresh perspective, so thank u both! flowers

Lweji Thu 16-Jul-15 00:26:11

Children do pick up on our unhappiness and our anxieties.

It's likely that it's not a happy home for them either, even if you don't cry in front of them.

He's gone to a different room and is avoiding you. Do you think he will actually talk to you, or will he just keep the silent treatment and suddenly go back to his normal and expect you to as well.

SuperBeeRecharged Thu 16-Jul-15 00:50:12

He slept on the couch yesterday, will probably avoid ke for a while with silent treatment. Have no idea how long it will last this time and how it will end.
I think my biggest problem with him has been that he seems content with the way things are (were) while im dying inside. Even oir sex life is not the problem, it's the fact that he doesn't have a problem with it...

SuperBeeRecharged Thu 16-Jul-15 00:51:57

...and he won't talk about anything until i say first "hey, don't u think we are having a problem?"

YellowTulips Thu 16-Jul-15 15:35:08

So what next?

It's the same pattern again. Ignore you, shut down until you shut up and wait for the status quo to return....

It's like he trained you into accepting this shitty set up by stonewalling you.

Your outburst hasn't changed a thing.

So - what are you going to do to change this?

SuperBeeRecharged Thu 16-Jul-15 15:42:42

Yes, u r correct. Nothing has changed, the stonewalling is just more intense. I need to sort my situation cus i got ur advice, and i know it's the right one but afraid to admit it. I just keep rambling on as if letting it all out will make me feel better. I need to get my shit together and make plans for my future as difficult as they might b.
Thank u again smile

YellowTulips Thu 16-Jul-15 16:34:44

No problem

Look I am aware it's easy on a forum to say LTB - but in RL it's really, really hard. Especially with children one of which is still a baby.

When it's a slow burn situation like this - a bit like the boiling frogs story (throw it in boiling water and it jumps out and survives, but put in cold then slowly raise the temp) - you just become normalised by the situation and how bad it is.

Start by gathering as much info as you can on the family income/pensions/savings/mortgage. Then see a solicitor. A lot do free 30 minute consultations (make the most by having all your info to hand).

You are not committing to anything - but you are getting your shit together so if you need to act you have all the information you need.

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