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Whats the right thing to do?

(4 Posts)
Fuckup Wed 15-Jul-15 14:14:37

Im writing for advice because i genuinely don't know what is the fairest, most rational steps to take here.

I'm suffering a huge bout of depression which is really dragging, i am prone to them and have (i feel) taken all the steps i can to try and tackle it for the sake of my family and myself, but its refusing to shift. I know that it was caused by immense stress resulting from several different things at once. I have been to the GP, been having nhs CBT, cut out alcohol, tryed to eat well and sort a routine with excercise, taken 5HTP, sorted hormanal contraceptives, talked, asked for help- everything i can think of. Unfortunatly it is still effecting me and my behaviour to the point where i think i cannot continue to put my partner through it.

Examples are, i feel insecure and paranoid about his behaviour and relationships (im sure this is a result of the depression as i didnt feel this way before but as it drags on its getting worse), i have even checked his message on fb. I can feel like im getting better, and even well, but then one piece of bad news or negative interaction can cause me to completely loose it emotionally, i am completely emotionally unstable. I can cry for hours, shake, struggle to breathe, beat myself up, self harm with knives, knock things off the side of counters and stuff in a rage. When he tries to comfort me i can snap back that he doesnt understand and its alright for him, that id rather die etc. Or else i just lie in bed completely unmotivated to do things that need doing around the house. Completely hard to deal with and irrational behaviour.

Im starting to think that i should leave because my behaviour is boardering on abusive, and that would be the advice that mumsnetters often give to women with partners like me. But I am also aware that i shouldnt be making life changing decisions (which would undoubtedly tear apart my DCs life) at this point. Just to add he doesnt want to break up, but understands my concern for him, and also the DCs being effected. As it is we dont have enough money between us to rent two seperate properties. He could sofa surf with friends, but i dont think he should leave our DC with me in my current state, i scare myself with my outbursts, saying and doing things i never thought were me.

I dont believe i would ever physically hurt anyone else, i certainly have never felt like i wanted to, but then i have never been so ill for so long, and been so unable to control my emotions. What should i do for everyones best interests? I feel that I should be in some sort of secure unit (i have been before) but im not quite ill enough for that at the moment, and they just dont have the funding available on the NHS to actually support me in that.

What should i do for everyones best interests? I want to get better, but as i get worse everyone is being affected and its not fair, i want to protect them from being exposed to this but i dont know how. please help with advice.

Fuckup Wed 15-Jul-15 14:27:04

Sorry this is way to long and rambly I always do this when i post. thank u if u read to the end

littlegreen66 Wed 15-Jul-15 14:46:14

You aren't what your username says - you sound anything but. You need proper help here because your brain, to quote another forum I frequent, has gone wonky.

Please go back to GP and get referral for psych help again and stuff the NHS's lack of resources - you are as deserving as someone with acute appendicitis. Hang in there.

Fuckup Wed 15-Jul-15 16:19:39

Thank-you little green. I will keep perserving. Im getting frustrated at the moment because they basically discharged me from 1 to 1 cbt. But the problems that effect me and my family emotionally are still there. Ive done one group course, and they signed me onto another for anxiety, but its not enough i dont think.

What should i do aabout the situation with my partner do u think? He cant keep dealing with me as it will evenutally end up knocking him back with his confidence, self esteem and mood, which is in no way my intention but i can see it happening. On the one hand it would be better to sort myself out without bringing him down, but on the other i dont know whether Im capable of making rational decisions.

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