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Fallen out of love with husband. Please hold my hand as I make the next move

(13 Posts)
somethingchanged40 Wed 15-Jul-15 13:54:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pallasathena Wed 15-Jul-15 14:07:44

You have but one life and it is your duty to yourself to live the best life that you can. Others will say that you need to think too about what you're modelling for your children because your reality is their reality.

Its profoundly sad when children end up in poor adult relationships that mirror the parents. And it happens all the time.

I think you know the answer. Get out. You've already detached from him.

The next step is to physically detach: house, money, savings. Separate yourself from this existence of yours and begin to live. To live well.

If family are more concerned about their ideas of what constitutes marriage and family then you will have to be strong, be assertive and tell them you cannot continue in a relationship that's sucking the very lifeblood out of you.

Don't be a victim. Model courage and determination for both yourself and your kids. You deserve to be happy.

AccordingToOurRecords Wed 15-Jul-15 14:14:10

Very well thought out post Pallas, I've had similar, tried for too long to do ' it' for the sake of others. You have one life, live it. Be Happy.

somethingchanged40 Wed 15-Jul-15 14:24:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pocketsaviour Wed 15-Jul-15 15:03:18

What if, instead of living this one life by detaching, I should be living this one life by staying with him?

But you're not living, are you? You're just existing.

It all sounds horribly miserable and you don't sound ungrateful AT ALL, by the way. Your H and you have little in common and no longer love each other. That is a shame, but it happens and it's nobody's fault.

You mentioned that divorce would be costly, socially speaking. What are the real, practical ramifications of this? For example would you be unwelcome at your place of worship, would you lose childcare facilities due to in-laws refusing to continue, etc.

If the only costs would be people bitching and gossiping behind your back, then honestly, fuck those people, they are not in your marriage, you are! There are many good reasons to stay in a relationship but "I don't want my aunties to be pointing at me as a disgrace" is really not one of them.

madamehooch Wed 15-Jul-15 18:54:18

Have you spoken to your husband recently about how you're feeling (you say you had a talk when the children were younger)? Have you given him a chance to try and work on the things that annoy you most?

If not, I do think you're being unfair to him. He's probably picking up signals which in turn trigger further neediness.

somethingchanged40 Thu 16-Jul-15 21:05:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madamehooch Thu 16-Jul-15 21:29:30

I confess that I felt quite angry with you until reading your last post. I didn't think it was fair that you'd allowed your marriage to get to the stage of having children if you knew at the time that you didn't love him as I felt that it was an uneven playing field and he didn't stand a chance. However if he's made no attempt to connect with you and be proactive in trying to sort things out then that's different. Please be completely honest with him though. If there's absolutely no hope then tell him that. Don't let it drift on with him thinking that there's a chance the marriage can be salvaged.

somethingchanged40 Thu 16-Jul-15 23:01:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

somethingchanged40 Fri 17-Jul-15 11:47:36

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DorisDazzler Fri 17-Jul-15 12:25:34

Op have you met someone else ? Apologies if that's not the case, but some of the things you are saying don't sound quite right. Ie you didn't know what it would be like living with someone else , and that you don't want to be a wife anymore.

Either way it sounds like you don't want to be in this marriage anymore. If that's the case simply be honest with him and make arrangements to separate amicably.

pocketsaviour Fri 17-Jul-15 13:00:10

We're going on holiday next month, I think that will be a good time to talk

NO NO NO. There is nothing worse than going away with an atmosphere, and then one person springs "so listen, I'm actually unhappy", then you have a blazing row and one of you sleeps on the sofa for the remainder of the holiday while you try to put on a brave face for the kids, wishing you could go to your parents or go out to a friends house, but you can't because you're trapped.

(I've been there, obviously)

Talk before. If all hell breaks loose, one of you doesn't go on holiday.

somethingchanged40 Fri 17-Jul-15 14:01:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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