Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Anyone else's DH largely ignore them?

(52 Posts)
MarchelineWhatNot Wed 15-Jul-15 10:11:15

I have been married for nearly 10 years. DH has never been a great talker, he's fine with his workmates, but quite shy in company. He has never been one to open up about what is going on in his head, and he is a complete mystery to me most of the time.

He goes to work, comes home, has dinner, watches TV, goes to bed. He never goes out with his friends or does anything on his own.

So we spend a lot of time together… in silence. Or me talking and him grunting. It came to a head 2 nights ago, we went out for dinner and - not only did he not talk to me all evening - he only actually made eye contact with me 4 times. Over the course of an evening when we were sat opposite each other. He said he was stressed because the kids were being a bit restless.

But it was the same yesterday. We were together all day and evening, but the only time he spoke to me was to remind me to pay for my car rental. That's it. Sometimes I ask him a question and he answers "Who?" and is clearly not listening. It's like he's in a world of his own.

Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore. We don't have any friends nearby and I can go weeks without talking to anybody, except Facebook and Mumsnet. I feel so isolated, like I'm in a bubble. It's horrible. I'm not sure if I can take another 10 years of this.

Is anyone else in this situation?

Nabootique Wed 15-Jul-15 10:14:04

That sounds awful. Obviously you have tried talking to him, but have you tried talking to him about his lack of talking? You can't carry on like this flowers

googoodolly Wed 15-Jul-15 10:15:58

That sounds so sad sad

MarchelineWhatNot Wed 15-Jul-15 10:23:05

I've tried talking to him, but nothing changes.

purplemurple1 Wed 15-Jul-15 10:24:08

Mine can get like this normally if he is stressed with work or we have a lot to get done at home. We make a point of having dinner just the two of us after the kids are in bed once a week when we can really talk. Also we have a daily jobs rota and an ongoing list of jobs each of us is responsible for this means we don't end up discussing this during the weekly meal and can talk about other stuff.
Sometimes we have to remind each other to talk in the evenings and get off mn etc.

How old are your kids could you join something together so you have something to talk about? Or even a hobby each or one of your own?

Nabootique Wed 15-Jul-15 10:28:28

What does he say in response to your concerns? I understand what purple is saying, it's easy for communication to slip during hard times, but it sounds like your problem is ongoing and all the time, OP?

MarchelineWhatNot Wed 15-Jul-15 10:30:11

I think he just finds me incredibly boring sad.

pocketsaviour Wed 15-Jul-15 10:30:15

does he talk to/interact with the children?

MarchelineWhatNot Wed 15-Jul-15 10:39:36

He does interact a lot more with the kids, pocketsaviour. Our eldest is a bit of a handful though, so he tells him off quite a lot, as do I. So it can be quite stressful.

pocketsaviour Wed 15-Jul-15 10:44:17

OK, so it's not that he can't talk, it's just that he doesn't with you. That's so sad, and must be very upsetting for you.

Where do you see things going? Do you think you would be happier alone, or is leaving not an option for you?

If you want to try to stick it out, would it be feasible for you to go back to work, or look for some volunteering opportunities? At least then you would be out and meeting people and having conversations with other adults.

MarchelineWhatNot Wed 15-Jul-15 10:48:50

I can't leave. Otherwise trust me, I would go.

absolutelynotfabulous Wed 15-Jul-15 10:54:54

Sounds awful, OP. Just wondering: does he actually show an interest in you personally at all? Or is he just silent on everything?

I used to be a bit like this if I was very stressed at work BUT I was still able to talk about it to my dp. I couldn't have talked about random stuff because I wouldn't have had the energy.

Is there more to this silence perhaps? My dp ignores me completely, but takes an active interest in other things and is very talkative when it suits.

Is he silent in an ignorant way iyswim?

MarchelineWhatNot Wed 15-Jul-15 10:56:42

He's not really interested in me, no. He is happy when I'm earning money, but that's about it.

MarchelineWhatNot Wed 15-Jul-15 10:57:14

Not arrogant, just absent.

TheoriginalLEM Wed 15-Jul-15 11:01:29

Why can't you leave? he is going to destroy you

MarchelineWhatNot Wed 15-Jul-15 11:03:07

Because I would have to leave the DC behind and I am not prepared to do that.

purplemurple1 Wed 15-Jul-15 11:07:32

Why so you think he would get custody or do you mean you are an expat?

lavenderhoney Wed 15-Jul-15 11:15:06

Why can't you leave without the DC, how old are they? Is the tension affecting your ds?

not talking and refusing to discuss anything is awful. Nothing can be resolved. You don't sound boring, you sound exhausted with life as it is- do you have any friends nearby you can speak to? Anyone friendly at school when you do drop off/ pick up?

absolutelynotfabulous Wed 15-Jul-15 11:39:00

You sound very much like me, OP. DP turned out to be cheating, and has probably been doing it for a while. He was avoiding me, pure and simple. But he still talks about other stuff.

I'd be most worried about the lack of eye contact.Add in the silence then the unwillingness to discuss things...mmmm....I reckon guilt.

Are you sleeping together Op?

MarchelineWhatNot Wed 15-Jul-15 11:40:41

I don't do the school run. And yes, I'm an expat so can't leave with my kids.

I think he loves me, I also think he finds me boring. We don't have anything in common. I've put on so much weight and am unrecognisable from when we met. We are very seldom intimate.

DS is hard work. He is an entitled drama queen who dominates our household. I love him dearly, but he is so difficult at times. Actually, most of the time. I know DH finds it hard, also.

purplemurple1 Wed 15-Jul-15 14:29:40

How about staying in the country but splitting with you dp. Can you stay legally/financially on your own?

How old are your kids and has ds got special needs (sorry if that's not the right term) ? Do you have any particular help from the school, dr etc with dealing with him?

I'm also an expat so know some of the issues.

MarchelineWhatNot Wed 15-Jul-15 14:34:19

We could split up, although we are stretched to the limit financially, so it would be difficult to run 2 households.

No, no SN. Just incredibly entitled and flies into a rage whenever you say "no" to him. He has always been the same.

Twinklestein Wed 15-Jul-15 14:44:02

Have you ever thought that it's your husband that's the incredibly boring one?

Did he ever talk much and now he's stopped, or was he always like this?

MarchelineWhatNot Wed 15-Jul-15 14:52:19

He's never been a great talker, Twinkelstein. Although when he is with his colleagues he is different.

MarchelineWhatNot Wed 15-Jul-15 15:33:32

… I've been thinking a bit more about what you said Twinklestein. Maybe he is the boring one. He certainly never wants to do anything. He always says "we can't afford it" which is true, but when free things come up, he doesn't want to do them either.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now