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I'm in love with a friend!! Advice please ��

(33 Posts)
Brightstar86 Tue 14-Jul-15 18:03:31

Help!!!!! Well it goes like this... I met this guy about 5 years ago, we dated for a while and for the time we did it was like we both liked each other as much of the other. Was totally loved up and it was all going amazing making plans for the future. Then it all went a bit pear shape... Things were not going smoothly with my ex (who I had separated from coz he had a affair but on the other hand didn't want to see me move on yet he was with his new girlfriend) and then this guys ex got back in touch with him and started trying to pick up where she left off ( she cheated on him and was a real bitch to him but she, at the time, always had his heart) so it was enevatable that she would get him back.. So he went with her, I moved on, then he saw the real person she was (a lying cheating using nasty person) and decided he's better without her. Then he starts showing up at my work but I was with some one... ANYWAY, coz I was with someone he try's to move on, finds a girlfriend and this is where we are today...

So we chat by text now and again. We always get on so well. Same sence of humour, always there for each other when we have problems. Problem is I just want to be with him. We were made for each other in my eyes. Yes he has a girlfriend just now so I would never EVER do anything while he is with her.
During our last convo he has said that he doesn't see his relationship going any further the spark has gone and he doesn't have a connection with her sexual or emotionally. He is 36 so wants kids but he don't want them with her. I am 35 and so would want another one sooner rather than later.

The problem is that I just want to tell him. I like him so much and have done for the whole time I've known him!!! I'd have his children and I've had many relationships after the father of my oldest child and have never thought that with anyone else. we just click. He is hard working, caring and also is a great role model. Every time we talk about each other's relationships we both want the same things that are missing at the moment with the other person!!
So do I tell him?? Do I just leave it?
My heart is actually hurting coz I just feel it's him I want. I'm acting like a child I know!!!! But I feel so strongly.

Advice needed please ��
Thank you guys x

pocketsaviour Tue 14-Jul-15 18:08:18

I can't make much sense of this, but both of you are in relationships? Well, tell your partners it's over, then get together. Seems pretty simple to me? confused

Brightstar86 Tue 14-Jul-15 18:12:56

Sorry I wrote this really fast, it don't make much sense..
The thing is he doesn't know how I feel, and I'm worried about telling him. Maybe I should just keep my feelings to myself.
He might not even like me that way and maybe just sees me as a friend, but I guess if I don't say anything I will never know ������

beaglesaresweet Wed 15-Jul-15 12:07:33

Yes say it, I'm sure he knows you like/attracted to him but maybe not the extent of it - nothing to lose, is there. Or are you still with someone? then stop that relationship and then tell him.

Brightstar86 Wed 15-Jul-15 18:59:51

I'm not in a relationship now. I think I will tell him, will give it a week to just get the bottle lol. I'm just scared that he doesn't want the same but yes you Are right, What do I have to lose?! At least if I told him I wouldn't be thinking what if I had for the rest of my life!!! I feel like a silly 18 year old hmm
I just see us together and being happy. I just need to know wether that's what he wants too. He needs to be 100% sure. The only way I will know is if I talk to him. But I'm not sure if doing this by text is the best way, as if he just blanked me after that would really hurt me. I need to sit down with him and see him, and gadge his reaction to know who in depth I should go about how I feel.

How sad is this I have even practiced what I would say lol
Any advice on this?? Thanks confused

beaglesaresweet Wed 15-Jul-15 23:56:51

definitely not by text!

Well you could say, I genuinely think we'd be a great match as a couple, we are already so close as friends - or take a light hearted approach 'What would you say if I asked you out on a date?'. Depends on your personalities.

Snapespeare Thu 16-Jul-15 00:18:12

I was you. Kind of, except we were both single, he would hold my hand as we walked home, we'd plan to do on holiday together., but something's
Ways happened to change plans. When he had a gf, he'd not see me: but when it all went tits up, I'd be first point of call. He lost his job, I'd cook for him every Friday, drive him everywhere, look out for him. I constructed an elaborate lol conceived honey trap on OKCupid for him. I loved him.

For his birthday, I bought him a Stetson, half a pound of white chocolate mice and made him a book which lovingly hand illustrated favourite quotes, music we both liked. I made an apple pie, this was the night I would explain how much he meant to me.

He'd met an old flame the night before. I gave him his stuff, I told him I loved him. Apart from a few awkward accusatory texts about my behaviour, hmm I never heard from him again. Now,, almost three years later, if I can be bothered to think about him at all, I hope his dick drops off.

Three months after all this shit, when I'd licked my wounds and had forgotten to take down my internet dating profile, I went on a date with the most lovely, gentle, appreciative man; who values me, compliments me and challenges me in a good way.

Our situations are different. I'd suggest going for it, but being prepared for a cut down. I tend towards thinking nothing ventured nothing gained, to do so is brave <high five> but the rejection is really very cruel for the first couple of months. After that, you'll hopefully find someone who deserves you, rather than some guy who you used to be in a relationship with, who keeps you dangling.

Twinklestein Thu 16-Jul-15 10:54:01

Just tell him, the worst that can happen is that he doesn't feel the same way.

magoria Thu 16-Jul-15 11:07:51

He had his chance to be with you he picked what he thought was a better option.

Now his current relationship is over the honeymoon he is looking for the next one.

Rather than be honest with his current gf he is keeping her hanging on while looking for his next best thing.

If you give him the green light this could be you in 2 years at 37 wanting another child.

Leave well alone. Consider dropping the friendship so you can move on and find someone who wants you.

butterflygirl15 Thu 16-Jul-15 11:56:15

He has a GF - him telling you there is no spark sounds like he is looking for an affair. That poor woman - she deserves better than him.

Wristy Thu 16-Jul-15 12:54:26

Tell him, be brave. In years to come you'll be glad you did it, regardless of the outcome.

It's what he does with that information after that's the important part. Will you start a relationship with him whilst he has a girlfriend?

Brightstar86 Thu 16-Jul-15 16:21:43

I would never do anything with him while he has a girlfriend!!! And I don't think he's after an affair as he knows I would never do that to another woman.
I've actually no idea if he likes me like that. It might just be a friend thing.. A shoulder to cry on. But I do need to tell him, I have felt like this before but again didn't say anything to him. That was about a year ago we meet up for a catch up and when I saw him I just lost the bottle to say anything.

I do feel bad for his girlfriend, I really do but I am nothing to do with the relationship problems. They started on there own in fact if they were happy I would 100% not say anything. Maybe I'm wrong and I should just leave it alone.


Thank you everyone for the advice it is all so valuable x

Dead Thu 16-Jul-15 16:48:48

I would def go for it. Be brave - make it short and sweet and factual - just bat the ball into his court and leave it there. When/how can you meet up face to face - and how would you say it - you would need some sort of exit strategy if he doesnt react as you want - also need to manage your expectations he might be shocked, need to think it through, take time to make a decision etc.

What words would you use to make it really clear but short and sweet?

Dont get pissed - you might eventually summon up the courage and he might forget you told him.....!!

Does he have any other ex GF or platonic female freinds that he sees one on one regulaly?

beaglesaresweet Thu 16-Jul-15 17:51:45

to add to my earlier post, what is he generally like as a person, OP? If he is shy/reserved/not reading people too well, it's definitely worth initiating.

But if he is generally confident with women, and sort of casual with you like he would be with a male friend, I'd be prepared for a rejection - men like this would always act on it if they were interested in someone, especially if his current relationship is about to expire. But in any case, tell him so that you can move on.

Brightstar86 Thu 16-Jul-15 18:03:25

not sure how I'd meet him face to face. Even if it was for 30 mins, I'd have to arrange it. But he may put it off.. So if we don't get the chance to meet then I won't get to tell him as I can't say it over text!!!
As for what I would say... OMG even thinking about it I'm getting butterflies blush and even thinking about what I would say I don't think I can!!
The coward way out is to do it by text?! Do you think that's a defo no no?!!

I think I would say something like... Ok so this is how it is, I really like you, a lot and think we should start seeing each other!!
I actually really don't know now hmm

FunnyNameHere Thu 16-Jul-15 18:07:20

All you say is, "Do you ever think about when we were in a relationship?" Then you stay silent and listen to his answer.

FunnyNameHere Thu 16-Jul-15 18:08:03

You don't ask him out... You just make it easy for him to ask you out/talk about being together if he wants to.

Basketofchocolate Thu 16-Jul-15 18:08:46

I have been in similar situation and the best advice someone gave me when I complained that I might mess it up and lose a friend was 'but, you're not really friends are you, you're something slightly different and you're waiting for it to change'. Made me realise that yes, I wanted it to be different and to sort it out. Wasn't smooth sailing completely but we're now married grin

FunnyNameHere Thu 16-Jul-15 18:09:58

not sure how I'd meet him face to face. Even if it was for 30 mins, I'd have to arrange it. But he may put it off..

He doesn't sound very interested in you if he never arranges to see you, or often cancels plans with you. That is not the behaviour of someone who reallllly likes someone else.

Why not cut your losses?

HermioneWeasley Thu 16-Jul-15 18:10:59

If you're not able to meet face to face, how are you going to have a relationship

Brightstar86 Thu 16-Jul-15 18:14:48

Beaglesaresweet... In the past I remember him saying that he's really bad at reading people and getting how they feel (I think this was regarding me when we first started seeing each other many years ago) As a person he is such a nice guy. He is quite confident. He has a great sense of humour he's able to put me at ease even in an awkward situation, normally by calling my some sort of funny name like gimp or something lol...
Also in the past we have texted and I guess it was a little flirty, which we both take it as a pinch of salt, well maybe I don't :-/ but it's normal after something I have cheekily said blush

Brightstar86 Thu 16-Jul-15 18:21:15

Once he finished with his gf of course there would be no problem meeting face to face. Just at the moment it is more difficult as he is still in a relationship and I have to understand that.

Brightstar86 Thu 16-Jul-15 18:30:20

He never arranges to see me now as much as he has a gf and I understand that.. The times we have he's been passing and if he says he would meet up he has never let me down.
I just worry that for some reason we'd not get to meet so had wondered if I should mention something by text.

But yeah maybe he actually doesn't care for me at all. I guess there is only one way to find out x

beaglesaresweet Thu 16-Jul-15 19:23:58

Then definitely just tell him, and no need for excuses, he's not going to postpone as he usually doesn't - if he does, so what, wait till you meet. You could write a text but if his phone is seen by his gf? or he thinks you aer joking etc? if he doesn't see it/respond you'll be a wreck thinking about it!

ElephantsAndMiasmas Fri 17-Jul-15 13:21:04

If you don't meet up ever when he's in a relationship, he clearly doesn't see you as "a friend" at all.

My worry for you would be that it would go:

You - "I loves ya"
Him - "OMG I miss when we were together"
Him - <snogs etc>

Followed by...nothing changes. He stays with the GF, probably with some excuse. You have angsty text chats. You wait...

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