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Advice needed- husband about to leave

(85 Posts)
ThreePipeProblem Tue 14-Jul-15 13:46:57

A month or so ago my dh said he didn't love me anymore and wanted to leave. It came as a huge shock as I thought we were just going through a blip. We've been together for 15 yes, married for 10 and have two dcs.

Prior to his announcement dh was going out all the time and was having what I felt was an emotional affair, although he denied it. He had become v secretive with his phone etc.

We're now at the stage where he is looking for somewhere else to live. I'm just devastated. I just don't recognise him as being my dh. He is so cold and emotionless.

I don't recognise myself in this - hence the mn name change. I've been so pathetic. I've sobbed and begged for him to try again. I feel so rejected and worthless. I'm dreading having to tell the dcs. They're 6 and 4.

He wants to say he is working away and delay telling them. I think that's ridiculous as it just delays the inevitable especially as he wants to take them overnight one night each weekend and have contact in the week at home.

Sorry this so so long. I just want some clarity on what to do. Hardly anyone in rl knows as I want the children to know first.

Jan45 Tue 14-Jul-15 13:51:55

He's with someone else OP, I am sorry, he's a cruel bastard.

Tell the kids now, then tell your family, friends, and lean on everyone for support, you will need it, don't carry this on your back yourself, it's his doing, not yours.

Jan45 Tue 14-Jul-15 13:53:20

He'd be having zero contact in my home btw.

caravanista13 Tue 14-Jul-15 13:53:40

I'm afraid a split sounds inevitable and you do need to tell your DCs. Do you have someone you can talk to in real life - you're going to need a lot of practical and emotional support an I'm sure family and close friends would want to be there for you.

LazyLouLou Tue 14-Jul-15 13:55:23

Well... he can't say he is working away and then have them in his new home for overnight stays. Even your 4 year old will think that is silly!

He is asking you to keep his secret, not to make him the bad guy, the marriage wrecker. In reality that is what he is. He has every right to end your relationship but you have every right to hold him to the courage of his convictions. You have no need to 'cover' for him... unless he thinks he can come back in a week or 2 if it doesn't work out, and you agree!!!

I can't think of any other reason not to tell anyone/everyone!

Now, stop crying and start organising yourlife. Sod him and his expectations - including him coming back into your home to see the kids. If you don't want him to tell him so right now! Set you boundaries really clearly and tell him that they are the natural consequences of his actions. If he wants you to play nice he must bend over backwards to make you feel comfortable in doing so.

MadameJulienBaptiste Tue 14-Jul-15 13:56:54

What a twunt.
tell them the truth.
and no contact in your home. If he wants to leave then he doesn't still get to treat the house as his territory. If he wants to do bath and bed then he does it at his own place.

ThreePipeProblem Tue 14-Jul-15 14:00:45

He thinks I want to tell the dcs to cast him as the bad guy, that's what he said. He wants them to get used to the idea of him being away then tell them. I've said the dcs will know something is wrong.

If he didn't see them at home where would he go with them? I don't want them to go every weekend for one night either. I'd rather they go eow then they get to spend longer with each of us. Again he thinks I'm being vindictive not wanting him to have them overnight each weekend.

ThreePipeProblem Tue 14-Jul-15 14:02:37

He's planning on using the washing machine too! Honestly it's all be funny if my life wasn't falling to bits.

Jan45 Tue 14-Jul-15 14:06:37

Oh please stop listening to his ridiculous demands and go and get advice, you can see a family solicitor for free for half an hour.

He has broken the marriage, he is with someone else, he is not entitled to call any of the shots now, why do you even care what he thinks you are doing and your motives, what the hell does he expect you to do, just go along with his new life and say nothing.

Please OP, get angry, and plan your future like he is doing, it's his problem to have his kids, not yours, I am amazed at his selfishness actually, cheaters all follow the same script, it's always about them.

Let him have them one night a week, they're his responsibility too and it will give you a night off to go and do something you like.

Oh and btw, he is the bad guy.

fluffybunnies246 Tue 14-Jul-15 14:10:53

threepipeproblem you poor thing. What a git.

I've had to deal with husband leaving twice now- no way he's coming back now.

I've been doing things differently this time, and it's been better. Here's what I learnt:

Firstly- please tell your RL friends. I told all of mine, and the kids school and the support has been unexpected and fantastic. I didn't the first time, and felt so isolated. BTW my RL friends knew before the kids do. Facebook, email and texts are great.

Secondly- the kids do need to know. They will soon be asking questions. My solicitor sent an information thingy to me, best telling your kids it's over practice…and it recommended that you were both in the same room being all non-judgemental but clear about what is happening, and stressing to the kids that you are still both their parents and you both love them, will spend time with them etc. Apparently it's best for the kids if you tell them together- we did that this weekend…the kids are ok (mine are 5, 7 and 8), and although it was hard for us (I can't stand being anywhere near him) I think it was best that we both were there.

As the others say- it's not fair that he expects you to lie. I'd give him the ultimatum- tell them together, which is the best option, or you will tell them yourself.

And definitely DON'T HAVE HIM IN THE HOUSE. I made the mistake of having H over during the week for bath/bed. It was like torture, and it never got any better. Not good. You need to have your own safe, happy, space, away from him. Don't let him treat your home like a hotel. He can come and pick them up, drop them off that's it.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Tue 14-Jul-15 14:12:02

Tell him no. Practice it in front of the mirror. No. No. No.

You need to be up front with the children, so they know what's going on. They're going to know something's up and the last thing you want is to have someone else mention it in front of them and have them find out that way. If he's not willing to sit down together with you to tell them, then just tell them yourself. They have a right to know.

If he's moving out, he deals with his own laundry in his own house. Not your problem. Once he moves out, he needs to understand the residence is basically YOUR home. Not his, from a practical (we're not talking legal) standpoint. And if he wants to see the dcs, he can arrange to take them to his or just "out" for the evening or afternoon. You do not need to allow him to encroach on your living space.

You don't need to agree to him having them overnight every weekend. If you would like to have every other weekend uninterrupted (so you can plan activities or weekends away if you like), it just makes more sense to do EOW. Just tell him. It's perfectly reasonable, and you have every right to insist on it.

fluffybunnies246 Tue 14-Jul-15 14:14:02

PS I didn't let H come and pick his stuff up because I can't stand the sight of him and I must admit clearing his stuff out into bin bags and dumping it at his new address was most therapeutic (other woman involved, but he chose to leave). Before H came and picked up his things…cherry picking and basically treating my home as storage for his other things. It was awful having reminders of him everywhere. All gone now, which sounds heartless, but it does make a huge difference not seeing reminders of him everywhere.

mummytime Tue 14-Jul-15 14:14:13

Don't let him have contact in your house - really it will be confusing for them, and emotionally hard for you. If he has to take them to the park, McDonalds, the cinema etc. every week then he has to do that.
Your home needs to be a sanctuary for you and your DC.

Tell him bluntly that you will not lie to your children. He has made this decision on his own, if he thinks that telling the DC that it was his decision is making him seem the "bad guy" then maybe he is.
You can offer to tell them with him.

If he is leaving then no he doesn't get to use the washing machine or the toilet or... He has left, your home is not a laundry or public convenience.

Monty27 Tue 14-Jul-15 14:16:08

You poor thing, you must be in terrible pain.

However, he's leaving and he wants to call the shots? I don't think so. Be absolutely honest with your dc and support network. Sod what he wants.

Goodbetterbest Tue 14-Jul-15 14:20:30

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is horrible and he is a prize prick.

You need to tell the children, but you don't need to go into detail. He's their father and you have to put them first. I'm afraid they need to be protected. We said that we weren't happy together, and couldn't make each other happy so we were going to be really, really brave and not be married anymore. 6 months on I'd still love to tell the world what a shag-nasty person he is, and to be fair, I have. But I won't tell the children. Ever. They accepted it, I was heart broken as they were upset - but not distraught. They accepted the explanation and haven't asked any questions at all. The oldest is 13, the youngest is just 8.

There was a huge sense of relief, a moment of grief but many we are a happy family unit without him. The DCs can take him or leave him on the whole.

He bought a place wholly inadequate to meet their needs. He refuses to have them all over night, and insists on looking after them in the family home. That way he gets to control me. He barely helps, complains when he does, and is a really inadequate father.

But I'm stuck with him and it drives me fucking nuts.

You just have to put the kids and yourself first. Be brave.

PeppermintPasty Tue 14-Jul-15 14:33:44

I'm so sorry that you are in such pain. From a stranger's perspective, remember this:you do not deserve to be treated like this. He is lying to you, he has someone else (hence the cold detachment), and he cannot dictate to you how it is going to be.

Yes, a million times yes to going to get some advice.

And don't let him use the washing machine, don't let him have his tea with you or anything like that, don't let him think he can have the best of both worlds. What a selfish wanker!

Try as hard as you can not to beg, though it is so so difficult. I agree with telling as many people in real life as you can. It is his shame not yours.

ThreePipeProblem Tue 14-Jul-15 14:38:36

Thanks everyone. I'm not usually a doormat, I'm really not. You are all right but as far as he is concerned it is still his house too. I've tried explaining to him that he can't leave but walz in whenever it suits him. He thinks I'm punishing him if I suggest he shouldn't see the children in the house.

The house atmosphere is oppressive. He won't leave till he has somewhere lined up though.
It is all so stressful. The 4yr old keeps crying at preschool drop off, she's starting school in Sept. It's such a bad time for even more change. Should we tell them at the start of the holidays or now? I'm so confused about what the best approach is.

BalloonSlayer Tue 14-Jul-15 14:38:37

He thinks I want to tell the dcs to cast him as the bad guy

But he IS the bad guy. He is having an affair and has broken up the family. That is a bad thing for the children, and HE has done it.

He needs to understand that he must own his actions.

TheFormidableMrsC Tue 14-Jul-15 14:38:44

My love, this was me two years ago. My advice looking back on the "me" then is this :

Shut him down.
Tell him to leave, immediately.
Tell the children
Immediately inform all family members, you will need A LOT of RL support.
Make a solictors appointment.
Gather every last bit of financial paperwork you can find, EVERYTHING.
Tell him you are filing for divorce.
Tell him you are going to arrange contact via a solictor (and absolutely do not agree to any overnights or anything else at this time, far too soon).
Go no contact as much as you possibly can.
Make clear arrangements for visiting the house and certainly not using the fucking washing machine.

I know I sound dramatic and harsh. I have got 2,500 posts on MN in terms of my own story so I know, a million percent, what you are going through. There was an OW and many more besides. My husband destroyed us, financially and emotionally overnight. OW is the most malicious piece of shit you'd ever have the misfortune of coming across.

It has taken me two years to get through court. It's been a nightmare. You can jump on this immediately, you MUST.

I am going to link this thread over on Hobbits Bar where I am sure the lovely ladies and one man will be happy to post here too.

What HE wants is irrelevant, it's YOU and the DC's who are important. flowers

PeppermintPasty Tue 14-Jul-15 14:45:38

I would tell them right now. They already know something is up.

Make an appointment to see a family solicitor too. The knowledge they will impart will give you a bit of strength, a bit of confidence.

BloodontheTracks Tue 14-Jul-15 14:54:57

I'd add see a counsellor individually too. You need someone you can talk to in person about all this who isn't him. I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you need to try and force him to be honest with you if possible (about the affair). He isn't being right now.

pausingforbreath Tue 14-Jul-15 14:55:48

So sorry you are going through this - you sound devastated. Not surprisingly.

Your Dh has made a choice a decision to move out the marital home he shares with you and your children.
So now he has to be the adult and face the consequence of that- simple.
If he knows is it the correct decision for him, why does he feel lies and deceit are going to hurt your kids less than the truth ?
Why does he feel, based on his decision you now need to have a dishonest relationship with your kids daily , so as he can still be 'good old hard working dad' ?
Bollocks to that.
If he's big enough to make big changes ; he should be big enough to be honest about it too.
It's not poisoning the kids against him , it's letting them know the facts.
If he doesn't want to look like the bad guy - he shouldn't be acting like one FFS.
If he choices to walk out of the house, he needs to stay out of it too & let you get on with parenting your kids without him coming in and destroying the peace you create.

Arse, entitled idiot.
Why does he need to be pandered to by others when all he is considering ; is himself.

Good luck, get angry and find yourself that real life support x

butterflygirl15 Tue 14-Jul-15 15:00:18

I agree - he leaves, and not when it suits him, but now. No contact in your home at all. And get yourself to a lawyer now.

Oh and tell who you like. Sing like a blooming canary. Then when the OW and him try and go public everyone will know what a grade A shit he really is.

ThreePipeProblem Tue 14-Jul-15 15:02:12

Re the affair. He has an iphone and the family iPad is under his itunes account. I wondered if I had the password whether I could sync it to read his texts. I think he was communicating with her via fb private messages so I don't know if they'd show up.

I'm not sure what the point in doing this is except to make me really angry! Maybe knowing he had an ow and it isn't all about me would make me feel better. I don't know.

He is defensive about everything. I was talking about money last night and he said 'well I'll have no money either'. That's like stabbing yourself in the leg and complaining it hurts.

tribpot Tue 14-Jul-15 15:07:23

Don't give him the satisfaction of being able to accuse you of breaking into his accounts and violating his privacy. It doesn't really matter whether he has an OW (even though it's fairly clear he does).

You must tell the children, and I would tell them at the start of the hols so it's not something else to deal with when term starts again. They will certainly know something is up - I did and I was barely 3 when my parents split up.

Definitely start telling other people. You can do that regardless of when you tell the kids, surely most adults you know aren't going to start talking about it in front of them (esp if you ask them not to).

It sounds as if he wants to see them every weekend in your house, i.e. he wants you to move out every Saturday or something? Ha ha. No.

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