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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

PARENTS

23 replies

MsPoodleLover · 14/07/2015 13:33

Please be gentle with me, it is my first time on this board.

I am 55 years old. I am in my 2nd marriage to a wonderful man who is being incredibly supportive through this crisis.

My parents are both still living and I have a sister who is 60 years old. I have never had a good relationship with my sister as we are so different. For example she never, ever wears make up but I do so she calls me shallow etc (not that I wear a lot but I do it to make myself feel good). Her husband died when he was only 48, which was tragic, and she has never had children. I have 2 children. My parents have never really had a relationship with my children because they are afraid of upsetting my sister. They never even send them a Christmas Card (though they do send some money). This year they didnt even send my son a birthday card or anything. I have really tried with my sister and sent her emails trying to make friends with her etc but she totally hates me. Her new partner says that it is because she thinks I am better looking than her WTF! My mother says I should understand and be sympathetic with her and let her be rude to me.

I got married 9 years ago and invited all 3 of them to the wedding and none of them spoke to anyone all day or night. It was so embarrassing! I was so hurt I can barely put it into words. They didnt even speak to the children!

Anyway, my father is now terminally ill and I have been going up to their house (in another town to where I live) 2 days a week and cleaning, keeping them company etc. I work full time too. My mother last week told me that she has never liked me and never liked spending time with me. I am so hurt I cannot explain. She is not senile and knew exactly what she was saying.

Does anyone have any tips how I can move on from this. I am still going up there but only once a week to see my father mainly. Sorry to go on.

OP posts:

Report

FenellaFellorick · 14/07/2015 13:43

how has your father always treated you?

I think it's hard to move on but certainly you are under no obligation to keep in your life someone who is mother in name only. what she has said to you is vile. I say give her what she wants. You out of her life. Your marvellous sister can do all her cleaning and keeping her company.

MsPoodleLover · 14/07/2015 13:58

Thank you. My father has always been better than my mother but she has ground him down and he has never been able to stand up to her. I know one thing when my father has gone she will not be seeing me again.

This sounds really daft but I am so ashamed and I dont know why!

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 14/07/2015 14:05

Your sister certainly seems to have them, particularly your mother, in thrall so I'm wondering whether your mother spouted out stuff which could later be reported back to her. (I'm guessing that she's been moaning on a regular basis about your presence in your parents' house - drip, drip, drip either in person or on the phone etc.) Your mother may not be senile but that doesn't mean that she can't be influenced by a strong personality - for good or bad.

I'd keep on going to see my father but leave it at that. Personally, I simply couldn't do more at the moment in such a difficult atmosphere. After he's gone, things might be different but you'll just have to see on that.

I'm sorry that life is so difficult for you at the moment.

cozietoesie · 14/07/2015 14:06

x post

You have nothing to be ashamed about, for Goodness Sake. Nothing. (Unlike them - and in particular, your mother.)

MsPoodleLover · 14/07/2015 14:10

Thank you for your support. I am going to see my father tonight. It is so nice that you are all being so supportive. I have a friend who I have been friends with for 53 years and she is meeting me tonight to go with me for support.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 14/07/2015 14:11

Sounds like you come from a very dysfunctional family. It sounds like your mother has "issues" and visited them on yourself and your sister all your lives and your dad has let it happen.

The ONLY thing to do is to a) not take it personally because it really isn't about you, it's about them b) limit your contact with them c) enjoy your family (husband and children).

cozietoesie · 14/07/2015 14:15

Just so you realize you're not alone, MrsPoodle - have a read, maybe, of some of this thread.

All the best for tonight.

FenellaFellorick · 14/07/2015 14:30

All the best for tonight.
You have nothing to feel ashamed of.
Unlike your mother. What a horrible thing to say to you.

Nobody is owed a place in your life. Please believe that. If someone treats you like dirt, you owe them nothing no matter who they are.

Hemlock2013 · 14/07/2015 14:35

How heartbreaking for you. I agree you have nothing to be ashamed of. What a wicked thing for your mother to say.

Good luck for later. X

MonstrousRatbag · 14/07/2015 14:38

So, your sister has excused her every unhappinness in life by making it your fault? Fine let her, but don't hang around and listen to it. Your mother has obviusly signed up for this way of thinking as well.

My husband is in a similar position with his family. He doesn't bother any more, and I suggest when your father is no longer around that you don't bother either. I wonder how mother and sister will cope with life, and each other, when you are no longer around to bear the brunt of all their negative feelings?

MsPoodleLover · 14/07/2015 15:01

I will post how tonight goes tomorrow. For now I just want to thank all of you for your support. Cozie, thanks for the link. I am at work at the moment and my stomach is churning at the thought of going up there!

THANK YOU ALL XX

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MiddleAgedandConfused · 14/07/2015 16:16

I'm sorry - that sounds awful. You are right to feel upset. Good luck tonight.

DeckSwabber · 14/07/2015 21:44

That's horrible.

It sounds like there is a lot of jealousy in your family, and maybe guilt and a bit of frustration that things didn't work out so well for your older sister. As if your mum can't enjoy you and your children because of the situation with your sister and her unhappiness.

Does your sister do as much as you do to help? Are you the 'capable' one?

Baddz · 14/07/2015 21:50

Do check out the stately homes thread
X

DeckSwabber · 15/07/2015 07:33

Hope it went well Poodle

MsPoodleLover · 15/07/2015 12:53

Hi again. Just to let you know I went to see my parents yesterday evening. It was a very uncomfortable situation but my friend and DH went too so my friend kept the conversation going and I just sat there quietly. It was very painful though I must admit. I just kept looking at my mother and thinking why the hell did you have me and how can you hate me so much!

I will look at the Stately homes thread, thanks Baddz.

Deckswabber - my sister has not worked for at least 15 years. She does go to my parents more than me but she doesnt do anything - she just sits there knitting! I am determined not to do any more cleaning over there and it is getting in a state because my mother cant do it.

I am just going to go over once a week, never alone, and leave it at that.

Again, the support of every one of you really helped me.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 15/07/2015 12:58

I'm glad you got through it - and your plans sound fine. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all of this at what would, in any case, be a difficult time for you.

brassbrass · 15/07/2015 15:15

yes a difficult enough situation on it's own without your mother and sister to contend with.

don't do anymore cleaning for her! you're just visiting your dad.

Zillie77 · 15/07/2015 15:21

That was very smart of you to bring your DH and your nice friend and going over once weekly only, never alone, and not to do any cleaning, just for a quick visit, sounds like a very good plan on your part.

DeckSwabber · 15/07/2015 20:11

Well done Poodle.

Stick to your guns.

sensiblesometimes · 15/07/2015 20:21

Yes stick to.your guns ..you've maybe had a childhood of subtle abuse that you've never fully recognised ..maybe your the one that always got put down/ undermined/ belittled to make everyone else feel better ...maybe this feeling of shame come from unconscious conditioning as a child. As well.as a need for approval and acceptance hence your need to clean their house ( trying to please them)...counselling could help better make sense of it all .

Levismum · 15/07/2015 20:47

very sad situation for you to be in. You have nothing to be ashamed of your mother & sister sound awful.

Look after yourself.

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MehsMum · 15/07/2015 22:21

I found the Stately Homes thread a real help: gave me perspective on my late father.

Enjoy your DH and DC. You have no need to be ashamed.

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