Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ex P gas lighting and daughter caught in middle.

(16 Posts)
Backhereagain Mon 13-Jul-15 23:37:01

Posted in legal but no reply so posting for traffic and I'm very stressed by this terrible mess. I'm desperate. Ex is harassing me via a third party once again as well as involving my/our daughter in this fiasco.

He never been able t maintain contact for whatever reason so after years and years of manipulation, false allegations, court cases and so on I've explained the best possible route is to keep everything official and to adhere to the child contact order. He has told me it's invalid.

There no discharge date on it so why won't he believe me and what can I do if he turns up outside of the agreement made many years ago.

Sorry this is garbled I'm losing my mind over what's happening to our family because of the actions her father has taken recently.

Can I refuse contact if it's not in the order and if he won't go away what can I do. I didn't want it to come to this but I've once again been pushed into a corner by my ex and his family and I have to wait until to tomorrow to speak to a solicitor from somewhere.

Please help.

Floundering Mon 13-Jul-15 23:39:12

Hello, no legal advice but couldn't not reply you sound so sad sad

How old is your daughter & what does the old court order say? Wa it open ended?

Lampkinandthecoachman Mon 13-Jul-15 23:41:18

The contact order will not be invalid unless there has been a more recent court order which supersedes it. Assuming there hasn't been from the information in your post, so stick to the contact order in place. If he doesn't like it, it's up to him to restore the matter to court to amend the existing order.

Backhereagain Mon 13-Jul-15 23:45:38

Thank you for replying. She's 12 and he's been at this for years.

Court order says she lives with me and he has contact EOW and one week day.

He's pushed me to the edge of what I can take this time as he's underhand, manipulative and an habitual liar and I have written proof of all of this however it's taken 10 years for someone to believe me as I was referred to woman's aid after explaining what him and his family have done to me. I am at my wits end with the disruption he enjoys causing me and I really don't understand why he's not moved on with his life.

I've only started to realise what an awful toxic input him and his family have had on my now they are 'back I. The picture' and once again. Trying to control everything. It's the rewriting history that gets to me the most. I know what happened and they pretend it never did.

It's soul destroying knowing that this will go indefinitely.

Backhereagain Mon 13-Jul-15 23:47:01

Oh thank you! So if he turns up at functions outside of his EOW he's in breach. Please tell me this is the case as I'm waiting for a solicitor to come back to me re injunctions as I can't take much more of his insanity towards me.

Floundering Mon 13-Jul-15 23:50:41

You can stop contact of you feel its in your DD's best interest, what is her view? Contact is NOT his right it is the right of your DD to have a relationship with her father.

If you stopped contact & said "see you in court" the judge would listen to her as an older child & take into account her views. Do you have any evidence from any of her carers/teacher that the contact is detrimental to her well being?

Floundering Mon 13-Jul-15 23:54:58

You can get the police involved even if it just starts another paper trail.

Refuse him access if he turns up on non access days & ring the police to inform them. it will create a file that will help for court.

AnotherEmma Mon 13-Jul-15 23:55:13

Could you call the Women's Aid helpline? It's 24 hours.

He does sound abusive so I think you need to be extremely firm with boundaries. He should be following the court order and if he shouldn't be turning up at any time other than the agreed time. What do you do when he turns up? Have you tried ignoring him (ie not answering the door or the phone)? What about calling the police?

I would try that maybe, but Women's Aid will be much better qualified to give advice.

Backhereagain Mon 13-Jul-15 23:57:41

Yes, after it was reinstated the school made a referral (not SS) after id tried to get her some kind of counselling but she wants to see him even though she's seen evidence he's lied consistently to her. She actually only found out a few days ago I've been entirely honest with her about everything leaving out the sordid bits she doesn't need to know as there is DV involved - he told her what he did and he is ok with it and justified it to her so she now says to me he did it because he wanted to see me. Stuff like this.

Lampkinandthecoachman Mon 13-Jul-15 23:58:07

Can you be more specific about him turning up at functions? A contact order wouldn't prevent him, for example, attending a mutual friend's party or probably parents evening/school plays. An injunction/non molestation order however, would prevent him from making contact with you via text/social media/third party/face to face. I think you should definitely start taking steps to apply for a non molestation order if he is harassing or threateningly you. Do you have evidence?

Backhereagain Tue 14-Jul-15 00:01:11

I've tried to do things unofficially for her sake but he always reneges on any agreement and then she'll blame me and get upset and angry and tantrum. She's scared she won't see him for another three years I suppose so she's as good as gold there. It's all such a mess and I don't want to be told by the police that I was willing to have unofficial contact but that's always come back to bite me in the arse.
I've always given in for her sake and it's now put my other children at risk because of it.

I'm very angry that someone is allowed to impact on another persons life in such a toxi way.

Backhereagain Tue 14-Jul-15 00:03:20

Yes I've some evidence recently and I've historical court papers and reports.

So re contact if it's as you've suggested there's nothing I can do even its its contact with her outside of the order?

I'm so upset by his behaviour I want to up and leave. Sadly that's not an option.

Backhereagain Tue 14-Jul-15 00:07:01

He's not given a shit for years like the rest of his family skipped maintenance again just to be spiteful yet everything he's doing now is like a slap in the face. He's behaving like some authority on child raising yet has been told to go on a parenting course. I'm rarely at a loss but this really is destroying my family as I don't really know how to deal with someone hell bent on being disruptive and underhand. It's the lies, the lies and subtle manipulation of my daughter and the attempt to manipulate me.

Backhereagain Tue 14-Jul-15 00:08:58

It's so hard to define what he does so I've never really been able to get support for what he's done and also there was no one to believe me and I didn't know about women's aid back then or I think things would be very different now.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 14-Jul-15 01:31:21

How is the contact between your dd and ex facilitated? Does he collect her from your home on the stipulated days or does he turn up unannounced at other times expecting to see her?

Does your dd have contact with him by mobile phone/skype/email or similar outside of the dates/times stated on the contact order and does she stay overnight at his home every other weekend?

Ex is harassing me via a third party once again What relation is this 'third party' to you?

He's behaving like some authority on child raising yet has been told to go on a parenting course Who told him to attend a parenting course and when was he told to do so?

You may find this link useful: rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

bibliomania Tue 14-Jul-15 10:43:34

When dealing with a manipulator, the first thing you have to do is keep your own head straight - then you can deal with manipulation of your dd calmly (like in planes where they tell parents to put on their own gas mask first). It helps to have a few key points in the front of your mind, and stick to those, no matter what he says - the broken record technique.

The court order remains in force and you will make your dd available during the specified times only. Don't engage in any debate about this - if someone habitually twists things, you have to avoid debating with them. You'll never win, they'll drive you crazy and make you doubt yourself. The court order remains in force. Repeat this in a droning voice whatever he says.

You can only really deal with him by being boring and refusing to engage. If he tries to change the past, you'll never be able to persuade him of the truth - never give him the satisfaction of rising to the bait.

Your dd - I don't have a teen so I'm probably not the right person to advise on this. Don't try to persuade her that you are right and he is wrong. I think I'd stick to a simple message. He can see her as set out in the court order if he chooses to go along with it. You can't control his choices. She can't control his choices. I think to some extent it's inevitable she'll take it out on you as her trustworthy parent, who won't abandon her. You mention about trying to set up counselling - any luck with that? It may be worth checking with your local Women's Aid about specialised groups for children in this situation.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now