Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do you think I need help?

(12 Posts)
Iamalwayswrong Mon 13-Jul-15 22:22:47

I have nc'd for this.

I wonder if I need antidepressants. Because I wonder if I have no perspective. H is on antidepressants and is very much on an even keel and doesn't get bothered about too much anymore. Unless one of the dcs has wandered into the road or something then he panics!

This is quite long. Please don't attack or be snide. I'm looking for positive constructive advice which I will truly appreciate. It is not meant to be a pity party. I am just saying how it is. And I am sorry if it is all very trivial.

One issue is that H thinks I get annoyed about stuff too much. I do get irritated and sometimes I have a rant.

Recent examples include:

1). We had a legal dispute with a vet recently. We settled out of court for a much lower amount. The solicitor who helped us works for fil's old law firm. We want to give him two v good bottles of his fave whisky. Fil objects and practically insists we only give him one even though this solictor hasn't billed us because h sometimes sends work to that firm. Fil has sent us both emails about our choice of gift, insisting one bottle is enough, saying where we should buy it to save money. H will just do what fil says so as not to upset him unless I make a fuss. I want to thank that solicitor in the way I want not the way fil thinks we should. This irritates me. It's none of his business. Why does he have an opinion on it?

2). We holidayed in a gite this month. It is owned by the mother of a sort of friend of mine. I distanced myself hugely from this friend because I felt she was taking the michael with childcare. This was 3 years ago mind. Anyway, this friend popped over with her chum who I also know - the mother lives downstairs - and took the chum all around the part of the gite we were staying in without asking us if it was okay. Showed her the bedrooms etc. We were sitting right there eating our supper. I was surprised by this and then annoyed. H says he couldn't care less and why should I? I felt it was disrespectful but if I had said anything, I would have been regarded as ott.

3). We got invited to a family wedding. The invitation went to our old address but we are on good terms with the people who live there. They emailed us to tell us they would forward it on to us. No problem. Great. Fil then emails mother of the groom without us knowing saying she has done this twice to us now and she should amend her addresses. Mother of groom sends us deeply apologetic email but we aren't bothered except I am irritated because fil has stuck his nose in again. It's nothing to do with him imo. H says he doesn't care.

4). Less recently, we were invited on holiday to a friend's house in Spain. We had been with them there for a week the year before. And for a long weekend with them the year before that.

I said no thank you, worried it was too much of an imposition on their family holiday time. These friends asked us four times. Each time I said no and explained why.

Then they asked us a 5th time and showed us a date in their diary when they were free for us to come. H and I then agreed to come.

The friends then said they were going to charge us. Not much but I was taken aback. I had refused to go over and over. They had asked us over and over. On our previous visits, we had paid for all the groceries during our visit (for both parties) and taken them out for dinner as a thank you.

I took offence at being charged. H said I was being stupid. We were broke. We should pay otherwise we couldn't have any sort of holiday that year. I however, would never charge people to stay with me and if I couldn't afford it, I wouldn't invite them. I told the friends this and they told me where to go. Then at their initiative, we made friends again with apologies. Of course it's never been the same again.

I actually have no real friends. Well, I mean I have friends who I will walk my dogs with or chat to at the school gate but no really good best friends. I thought the friend in example 2 above was a great friend but then I actually realised she was taking advantage of me hugely so I just detached. She is great fun, vivacious, beautiful, school gate queen bee and is quite off to me but also can be very kind.

I had another friend who just dumped me too. She detached and it took me a while to realise what was going on. I felt like such an idiot when the penny finally dropped and I stopped inviting her over for play dates. Karma, I thought. She's polite but distant now even though our dss are great pals. She will have boys and their mums over but insists on just my ds when a play date is arranged after much harassment from our sons! I cringe when she makes it plain I am not welcome.

H and I had a massive marital crisis last Dec. It was make or break time. We are working through it after a lot of painful, honest truths and I leaned on who I thought was a friend. He was nice to me for months saying I'd been there for him at a hard time. And now he avoids my calls. I think it's because he's found out what I'm really like.

I have never been popular at all throughout school, university, work and now school gate and working from home. I now just assume people are not interested in me, I am deathly boring, not rich enough/thin enough/witty enough so I just don't bother anymore. This is a self fulfilling prophecy, I'm sure.

I do work part time from home. I love it. I wish I could work more hours and I am working on that.

But I am unhappy. I feel lonely. I cherish my own time but I really like spending time having a giggle with friends. I don't have a lot of spare cash to socialise but I guess I should go out more with mums from school.

Am I a dickhead then who needs to take some antidepressants and just read Desiderata every morning?

gatewalker Mon 13-Jul-15 23:28:07

I think the key is that you will only live out that "right to be here" if you own that right and know it to be true, right to your core.

What it feels like is that what you're describing comes down to two interconnected things: healthy boundaries and self-esteem/love.

I wouldn't be prescribing ADs but suggesting you go into therapy, OP.

BrowersBlues Mon 13-Jul-15 23:43:24

I think a lot of your uncertainy and lack of confidence is being made significantly worse by your FIL sticking his oar in. The things he has done would piss me off big time. I would try to distance myself from him.

I think it would have been polite for your friend to have asked if it was ok for her to show someone around the gite and I think the people who owned the holiday home in Spain asked you to go to cover their own expenses.

I also think that your stage of life is stressful with children and I think that the stress is affecting your relationships with other people. I went through this when my DC were young, it seemed that I had to account for everything I did and balance friendships that I didn't want to have so that my DC would have friends.

You love your work so could focus on getting extra hours. Focussing on work will take your mind off the other stupid things that get in the way.

Give yourself some space and spend time on your own when you can. Being with other people can be stressful and your life seems busy.

By all means see your doctor and if you think you would benefit from seeing a counsellor do so. You don't sound crazy to me and there is absolutely nothing wrong with anti-depressants or reading the Desiderata every day.

Iamalwayswrong Tue 14-Jul-15 08:39:26

So you don't think my irritation is misplaced then? I'm not unreasonable or I should just let these things slide?

I can't have space on my own as ds3 is only 2 and I have to manage him and work.

Does anyone else feel that sometimes their families are just all too much?

Perhaps it's just my failing.

DoreenLethal Tue 14-Jul-15 08:49:54

I can't have space on my own as ds3 is only 2 and I have to manage him and work.

Where is your husband in this? Does he get significantly more free time than you? If so, he needs to reduce that to enable you to have some free time. It is good for a child to not be connected to their mother 24/7, honest. Sell it as bonding time with his dad and then shoot out for some headspace.

Yes - your FIL needs to butt out. On all points.

Yes, you should have told your friend to butt out of your gite. Make a bloody appointment if they want to show people around. You rented it so for the time you are there - it is your family space not her showroom.

No - you get invited over then you don't pay! That's ridiculous. Have you posted about this before, it rings bells. I'd tell them to knob off personally. Then book a tent somewhere for a break this summer. It is likely to be just as hot here as Spain this summer.

Can I send you some boundaries over, with a few 'what the fucks' as you seem scared of asserting your personal space and authority. Use them as often as you want, they don't run out. Promise.

gatewalker Tue 14-Jul-15 08:59:47

Your mistrust of yourself is clear - and emphasised by your username - OP, and at times your self-loathing prickles out of your words. I sincerely think you'd benefit from therapy. You may find that once you're able to stop attacking yourself, that the lack of respect of your boundaries by others will also cease.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 14-Jul-15 09:03:26

With a father like that it's no wonder your DH is on antidepressants. I don't know if you're a dickhead but the examples you give above don't indicate you are reacting excessively. Being annoyed by something and going into a screaming fit about it are worlds apart.

The male friend who avoided you may have been afraid you were getting too close and distanced himself to avoid risk/accusations of an emotional affair. Someone may have had a word with him about it. I know if a man in that position had posted on Mumsnet he would have had an almost overwhelming
response advising him to step back out of their marriage. Just a thought.

As for friends who take the mick, there's a lot of it about; it certainly isn't just you. Have a look at this thread in Classics for some astonishing examples and hopefully a bit of a laugh! For such people to run the world all it takes is for doormats to let them. Congratulations on not being a doormat.

junebirthdaygirl Tue 14-Jul-15 09:09:49

Think some people are easy going and can let let things go and others have to confront and deal with stuff head on. But if you are the second you need to count the cost first before saying anything and be happy with the consequences when they come. I would find that thing about house in Spain annoying but l would think seriously before l decided not to go whether l could accept the probable consequences of them not bothering with me anymore. I am very easy going and never find myself in much confrontation and l have a dsis who takes on every situation where she feels wronged. We're just different but we both live with the outcome. She has had her say but no friends. I have loads of friends but lack a voice at times. Your FIl sounds very controlling and maybe you are the first person to take him on. Others are probably used to his ways and tolerate more. Funny enough my dsis has this with her FIl. She tackles him head on and pays a price but he is totally out of order and family just ignore it as just being him.The problem is you pay a price when you tackle it.

Everythinghaschanged Tue 14-Jul-15 09:32:54

From what you say it's difficult to work out what is going on here. You fil definitely sticks his nose In more than he should. I would keep my distance as much as possible and let dh sort him out.

The other examples I'm not so sure. Some people do have a tendency to fall out with people a lot.

absolutelynotfabulous Tue 14-Jul-15 09:50:03

I agree with all of the above. Your irritation is not misplaced. Your H is not helping; neither is your Fil. The people you have in your life are taking the piss, frankly, and imo at least you have every right to be miffed.

I don't think you need ADs, though, I think you need help to build your self-esteem so that you are better able to deal with the pisstakers in your life.

Most of your post resonates with me. I became a completely different person when I had my dd. Somehow my self-esteem disappeared, I lost all my confidence, and, when people took the piss, I wasn't able to withstand the pressure, capitulated to all sorts of "demands", particularly from my family, and became a doormat. I recognise the school yard queen bee thing too. And feeling you have to be "friends" with certain people for your dcs sake.

I was only able to get some control and confidence back when dd was about 8, because I was able to do small things on my own terms. Slowly, I've made new friends and I've got a fabulous hobby, and I can honestly say it's changed my life.

You sound to me like a strong, principled person. I hope you find the strength to deal with things but I don't think medication is the answer.

TheoriginalLEM Tue 14-Jul-15 10:01:35

You don't need ad's. you need to work on your self esteem. maybe some cbt will help. Your dh needs to grow a pair and tell him to butt out.

Everythinghaschanged Tue 14-Jul-15 10:08:05

There is a lot to be said for an anything for an easy life approach though, letting things go.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now