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Please help me leave him without trashing my life

(66 Posts)
somanyflowers Mon 13-Jul-15 21:56:26

I need to get myself out of a really bad situation. I was completely naive and started seeing a married man who I thought was separated from his wife. When I first met him I thought he was in the process of leaving. He told me they had separate rooms, no intimacy or real relationship. As the months have gone on I've realised that although this may be true, he is still in a relationship with her, he has no intention of leaving but of course is quite happy to carry on seeing me as well.
I admit I was really really naive and I've done a really stupid thing and got involved because I really liked him and we get on so well.
His wife doesn't deserve to be lied to. I told him how upsetting this is for me, that he needs to sort things out either way with his wife and he's said he can't deal with my current mood so that may mean no further contact.
I know this is wrong but I liked him so much and I'm so upset. I can't seem to deal with myself. What's wrong with me?
How do I move on? Say what you like, I probably deserve it.

butterflygirl15 Mon 13-Jul-15 22:14:56

best way is to stop all contact, delete his number, block him online and just try and keep busy. It's the only way.

MayDivorceBeWithYou Mon 13-Jul-15 22:19:24

He's a shit. Sorry you fell for it. Delete his number.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 13-Jul-15 22:41:31

It sounds like he's called a halt because he's shit scared fearful the belated revival of your moral conscience will cause you to tell his dw that he's been getting his leg over having an affair with you.

Imo in this particular instance his dw deserves to know what a duplicitous scumbag she's got on her hands and, as you're nothing more than his latest bit on the side, enlightening her should also ensure you won't see him again.

As there's no shortage of single men swimming in the dating ocean, chalk this one up to your naivety and resolve to throw back any more married ones you catch because karma's a bitch and what you do to others in the here and now may well be done to you at some future date.

viridus Mon 13-Jul-15 23:04:08

Text him saying you do not want any more contact. Keep this as you may need this as evidence. Should he start harassing/stalking you, report him to the Police, with evidence of this and start legal proceedings.
Find assertiveness courses in your area, so that you can spot these weeds in the future.

springydaffs Mon 13-Jul-15 23:08:33

Bloody hell goddess! She made a naive mistake, knows it now and regrets it - less of the 'she'll pay for it later on' shit.

Op, you'be been had. He is the scumbag of scumbags - what a total shit. Yes you'll miss him and you'll be hurt but, really, dump his sorry ass.

and tell his wife

DoreenLethal Mon 13-Jul-15 23:15:39

Flowers, you are already out of a bad situation...he has called a halt to it. Delete his number, block it it you can. Cry, have some ice cream, watch some sad films and make sure you dont fuck someone else's husband again. Because quite frankly, it is a shit thing to do.

viridus Tue 14-Jul-15 07:39:23

Married men who commit adultery, set out to wreck two lives directly, - his wife's and the mistress's/other women's. Indirectly, his childrens, the other women's children, his wife's family, the other women's family.
And then repeats this pattern, in serial fashion, throughout his life.

Lweji Tue 14-Jul-15 07:44:25

You are in better position than many women and his wife.
You can just walk away. Keep no contact and he will eventually slip out of your thoughts. It will help to start thinking how much of a bastard he is. Think of his bad points and the lives he's wrecked instead of how great you thought he was. Because that was a front to you.

Keeptrudging Tue 14-Jul-15 08:00:01

He's said he can't deal with your current mood because you're supposed to be there for fun, not giving him grief. He's trying to get you to toe the line. If he was emotionally invested in you he would not have continued like this but would have sorted it by now. Ignore/delete/move on, and value yourself more than to get in this situation again.

newstart15 Tue 14-Jul-15 08:15:39

I doubt he will go nc he is just getting you to feel fearful so that you back down and just let him have a wife and a girlfriend.

Your feelings are important, yet he treats them with comtempt.He is not a good man.

I knew someone, a very clever successful woman, who age 40 never appeared to be in a relationship. Later on (after years of counselling) she told people she had been having an affair for 10 years with a mm.She has so many regrets as for all those years he kept her hanging on, living half a life.She didn't have children as a result.

He is selfish, he doesn't really care about you or his wife.He just wants multiple women that he can use when he wants.
Get counselling if you need to break free but stay NC (even when he comes crawling back)

goddessofsmallthings Tue 14-Jul-15 10:13:21

The OP admits to having been naive which is why I've suggested she chalks this one up, *springy^, but I see no harm in cautioning her against making the same mistake again and have merely used the karma analogy as, figuratively speaking, its not unknown for an adulterous bum to get bitten back albeit, as I thought I'd made clear, this is not to say it will happen.

Jan45 Tue 14-Jul-15 10:44:51

Yeah sorry I don't buy the naïve thing either, that line he gave you has been around for centuries, and you really didn't think he was with her, yes you did, deep down.

Now this is the consequence of getting involved with someone already involved, chalk it up to experience and hopefully it will put your `married` man radar in full force in future.

viridus Tue 14-Jul-15 11:21:11

There is no need for lies, deception, drama etc. The simple solution is that the married man, if he is unhappy in his marriage to either sort it out or get divorced, and live on his own, then date.
And stay out of other peoples lives.
That's the honest thing to do isn't it?

WhoNickedMyName Tue 14-Jul-15 11:31:58

He's married, you knew this when you got together with him, FGS he was still living with his wife, so stop with the "I was so naive, blah, blah, they weren't sleeping together, blah, blah".

Now that your conscience has finally woken up, this is very simple.

Take how upset you feel, multiply it by about 10 million and you're nearly at a fraction of what his wife will probably feel when she finds out, which she will if you carry on.

With this in mind, delete and block his number from your phone. Block him on all social media. Delete his email address and block it. If he tries to contact you again (which he will), do not respond, other than to tell him to fuck off, that you've kept copies of all correspondence and you will send them all to his wife if he tries to contact you again. That should see him off nicely, because, as you know, he has no intention of ending his relationship with his wife.

Then busy yourself with work, friends, the gym, a good book, whatever.

viridus Tue 14-Jul-15 11:51:44

A married man committing adultery has a different mind set. He is occupied in his pursuit, and will use many tactics. It depends on how easily manipulated you are.
This is why it is important to report him to the Police when he starts harassing/ stalking. You will have to put your protective armour on.
Instead of focussing on his own role as husband, he is willing to put his energies into other enterprises, and use his marriage as a happy facade, believing that he will never be caught.

viridus Tue 14-Jul-15 12:54:08

Its also really hilarious when they split hairs, and try to make out strange lies, such as the "there is no intimacy, or real relationship", - yea, maybe, maybe not, BUT, there is still SOME relationship, some, communication, some - thing going on, because they are living together. Share finances together, are legally tied together, have had shared times together, etc, etc.
One of the many lies, they weave to get you tangled up in their horrible web.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 14-Jul-15 16:03:07

I am very sorry the nice man you thought you had found turned out to be a lying scumbag. You've had a glimpse of a beautiful future dangled and then snatched away. It may help you to get over him to observe how he blames you for being bothered at finding he was still with his wife - he can't deal with my current mood - as though your having a conscience were a fault rather than a virtue. This is a man who is good at wooing but is at heart deeply selfish. There wouldn't have been a happy ever after for you two even if he had been single, but this way you found out before you got in too deep. Still going to hurt though, of course.

To be fair, I lived with XH for two years after serving notice of divorce before everything was finalised. It would be understandable if a potential lover had found it a bit hmm But I could have shown them the paperwork!

somanyflowers Tue 14-Jul-15 17:04:02

I appreciate all your responses. They have really helped me, they were spot on, even the brutally honest ones. I needed to read them.
I think I got sucked in to this because my own ex husband had an affair which finally ended our marriage. I knew our marriage was over and so was relieved that I had a reason to leave. I was upset that it ended but not really that he met someone else so I guess I viewed this as a similar situation.
I think his wife should know (I'm not going to tell her) because I was glad I found out so I could get out.
I'm beginning to see this man for what he is for whatever reasons he's doing it for.
I just need to get through the feeling desperately broken hearted phase.

somanyflowers Tue 14-Jul-15 17:06:27

I have been stupid to not see his typical behaviour and I have insisted he's still in a relationship which he defends as platonic.
You're all really spot on.

QuintShhhhhh Tue 14-Jul-15 17:08:20

Seems to me that he has already left you, without trashing his life, so not sure what else you can do aside from moving on?

somanyflowers Tue 14-Jul-15 17:15:21

Well as predicted he's back in contact but I've not responded.

Lweji Tue 14-Jul-15 17:25:58

Well done.

Can you delete all of his contacts and messages, so that you are not tempted?

somanyflowers Tue 14-Jul-15 17:35:49

Yes, I think I should be brave and do that.
I really have fallen for the story haven't I?
He's so text book.

imjustahead Tue 14-Jul-15 17:39:25

been there op.

don't reply. please don't because it all starts up again and it gets worse and worse.

the way you feel now could be a new start. if you see him again it will happen again.

took me two years of pain and loathing and shit to get out of my situation.
i was weak and i was not myself. i look back now and wonder what the hell was i doing.

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