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Feel like i am the one who always does so much for all, nearing 40...

(6 Posts)
greener2 Mon 13-Jul-15 21:31:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Queenofwands Mon 13-Jul-15 22:30:25

Sorry that your feeling fed up, It's awful when our friends let us down.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 14-Jul-15 03:44:59

Do you give off a 'Ms Capability' vibe; the low maintenance friend who can be relied on to 'be there' in good times and bad? Friends who are like this can appear to have their lives completely under contol because they make so few demands on others.

Could it be that the friend who's invited you for the evening has done so because she thinks you may have problems arranging childcare for a whole day? And I suspect that those of your friends who are turning 40 and are being treated by their families/pals to holidays and spa days have stamped their feet dropped copious hints to their loved ones well in advance of the date.

Few people are mind-readers and if your dm again, or one of your pals, asks what you're doing for your 40th say 'I'd really like a party/spa day/swanky restaurant meal where all I have to do is turn up - if I give you x and y's phone numbers perhaps you could organise it?'

If that doesn't work, simply say 'sod the lot of 'em' and arrange a very special day for yourself which you can enjoy alone - many people would give their eye-teeth for 24 hours of 'me time'. smile

pallasathena Tue 14-Jul-15 10:58:51

My lot are like yours. You can either get fed up about it and indulge in your own personal pity party which I used to do! Got me nowhere...fast! or do something for yourself, by yourself or with people you like being around.

My lot are a difficult bunch of people to be with for any length of time. And to go on holiday with them would, I know, turn into a grim experience where I would be putting on an act of trying desperately hard to keep everyone happy and anticipate moods and sulks before they happened.

Conversations would descend into judgementalism, criticism, and point scoring and at some point, stuff would be brought up from the re-writing history memory banks of certain family members.

And so, for a landmark birthday or special occasion I'll just say that I prefer to have a quiet time thank you very much and am thinking of going away maybe, haven't quite decided yet, but looking into it nearer the time. Spain looks nice, or maybe Devon, though a city break's good value for money and I've always liked York.

Left up in the air, people just accept that I'm basically, a boring old fart and let me get on with it.

Suits me!

Lottapianos Tue 14-Jul-15 12:37:35

Lots of sympathy OP. I've often wished that I had a friend like me! I get sick of visiting other people, buying them gifts, holding their hands, but often feel that I don't get anything like the same sort of care from them. I've started to step back a bit and only do things for others if I want to, not just if I feel that I should, so that helps a bit but I just wish others would take a bit more initiative.

goddess is right about the mind reading though - I think types like us are so good at anticipating other people's needs that we expect other people to be the same with us, and most people just aren't.

Thenapoleonofcrime Tue 14-Jul-15 12:43:13

I'm a good friend, but I wouldn't expect anyone to just spontaneously organize a whole weekend away without consulting me. My 40th was fun, but I did chat with my husband, family and a couple of friends about what to do. If you normally lead these things, then sitting back and waiting for that invite to Barcelona won't come, why not meet them half way and think about how you would like to spend that time, with whom, and what you like doing- if they picked a spa and you don't really like spas, how is that a better state of affairs. I do know what you mean when you say you are always the organizer, I am too, but on significant birthdays it would be a silly time to pull back and it's unlikely you would get what you wanted.

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