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I am feeling black.

(7 Posts)
blackmonday22 Mon 13-Jul-15 16:10:28

I've namechanged today in order that I can confess my heart because I feel too well known here to speak out & I hope that unburdening myself & saying the unsayable will make me feel better. I feel black. I have a monstrous headache I can't let go of. I'm halfway divorced, haven't worked for half a lifetime (sahm & sn child) & keep being told I need to find work. I managed to find the strength to leave my severely abusive/controlling marriage but that's about it. I have nothing left in me to find work. I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do or how to do it or how to make it work around my sn dc. My stbxh is actually committing fraud to do me out of any meaningful settlement & I can't prove it. I'm having black thoughts that it'd be soo much easier if I just did something stupid & finished with it. I can't see the point in going to the doctor, they can't exactly sign me off sick as I don't work anyway and I don't believe I am depressed, I'm just drowning in the shit my stbx is piling on. We're involved with social services, if I admit how I feel stbxh will only use it against me - unfit mother. Part of me thinks maybe I should just surrender & let him have everything, including the dcs. Just walk away. I know the dcs don't really want to live with him full-time but they'd survive & he is rich, he could provide everything. As someone who has been severely controlled (what you wear/eat/who you see/money etc etc) I need special help to get back on my feet but I can't find it. I'm trying not to cry now because I don't want my dcs to see a red face. What's left for me?

rumred Mon 13-Jul-15 16:16:33

You sound really low. Gp can help- anti depressants and or counselling plus maybe certified sick/ not well enough to work? I'm no expert, but there are sickness benefits.
Hopefully someone in the know will be able to better advise you.
And from experience, it will get better, this will pass. Once your mood lifts you'll see a glint of sunlight. Just keep going and reach out for help. We all need it at times

jesy Mon 13-Jul-15 16:26:42

Go to gp n it was a weight off my mind , I'm now two weeks into ant deps, on medication to help with alcohol and other issues.
Although having a bad today I can see some hope.
Sometimes you need that extra help in life.

nequidnimis Mon 13-Jul-15 16:28:00

I'm sorry that you are going through this, and that I can't be more help; I have no direct experience but couldn't ignore your post.

First of all congratulations on getting away from your DP, you must be stronger than you know.

Of course, having been controlled for a long time, you are finding it difficult to make decisions but one day soon you will relish this freedom.

My thoughts are to contact a charity specialising in this type of situation for advice and support, Women's Aid?

Following that I should consider your GP, as she will be able to prescribe medication or refer you for counselling, as well as directing you towards other organisations who may be able to help.

Then - begin to get your financial situation organised. Make appointments with the CAB, Benefits Agency and a solicitor. Many solicitors offer a free 30min consultation, and the CAB may be able to direct you appropriately.

You will be fine, take small steps, one positive thing per day. A month from now, a year from now, you will be proud of your achievement and never look back. What a wonderful example you are setting your DC.

midnightvelvetPart2 Mon 13-Jul-15 17:30:07

Who keeps telling you to find work?! Its up to you whether you work or not they can piss off...

Well done on leaving him, that was a massive thing to do & took courage smile flowers there's a lot flying around at the moment but it will settle down in time. I agree with the pp about seeing your doctor, you are not an unfit mother but you need some support to help you cope right now.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 13-Jul-15 17:41:45

Having read many of your posts, several tihings come to mind here.

As I understand it, you had a dysfunctional and abusive childhood which predisposed you to further abuse from a total nutter controlling man who dictated every aspect of your life, and that of your dc, and continued to suppress your individuality to suit his will and whim.

At no time have I seen anything which indicates that you have been entirely honest with the professionals who have been/are treating your dc about the full extent of the abuse which you have suffered at the hands of your stbxh which obviously impacted on your dc and has contributed, if not caused, their mental health issues.

It seems to me that you don't fully realise how abnormal your marriage and your living conditions were, or that you need treatment and time to recover from the years of systematic abuse and control you've endured. Your story is one of the most horrendous I've read on these boards.

If you can bring yourself to be completely frank with those mental health professionals you trust, or have formed a bond with, I have no doubt that you will be effectively 'signed off' paid employmnet for a very long time, not least because your work now is to enable your dc's recovery as well as that of your own.

Your fear of being branded an 'unfit mother' is unfounded as your dc has come on in leaps and bounds since returning to a family home where her df is, mercifully, absent and the dynamic within those four walls no longer blights her life.

When speaking to any mental health professional, I would suggest you couch your darkest thoughts in terms of them providing an insight into those which tormented your dc and that they have been engendered by your (erroneous btw) belief that your stbxh is all powerful and has the ability to destroy anything worthwhile that you are able to achieve -and, in terms of modifications to your home, you have achieved a lot in a remarkably short time.

The courts are well aware of the deviousness of wealthy men such as your stbxh, nevertheless, you have been repeatedly told that you need a SHL and a forensic accountant and I suggest you act on this advice as you most certainly should not being badgered by the other side's lawyers on any matter whatsoever.

If you should receive a direct missive from stbxh's lawyers asking for your proposals re paid employment, write back asking if they have vacancy for an untrained receptionist who is available at national minimum wage from 12-2pm to cover the phone lines while other staff are at lunch and explain that your availability to work will be subject to the needs of your dc.

What is left for you is a golden opportunity to create a joyous life fpr yourself and for your dc - seize it with both hands and enjoy living to please yourself instead of feeling duty bound to please those who sought to abuse and control you.

It's ok to feel despairing, but don't lose sight of the fact that you've got it all to play for and the glorious prize on offer will far outweigh the pain of gaining it.

MrsJackAubrey Mon 13-Jul-15 21:44:14

and to the OP; take one day, one hour at a time. If you look up at a mountain it seems much higher and impossible to climb, just look down at your feet moving forward.

And no way NO WAY are your DC bettter off without you. They love you and need you. Get angry - there's energy in anger.

sorry I don't have the way with words or advice that Goddess has (and my god Goddess that's an awesome post) but just wanted to say I really feel for you and wish you well.

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