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Can't express love?

(21 Posts)
FlaminSnowball Mon 13-Jul-15 06:43:07

Hi

I need some help as I'm not sure if this is a major problem or not. I've been seeing a great guy casually for a few year but we became serious start of this year.
We became serious as I didn't want a casual relationship anymore and so I left him and started dating other people to find a relationship with someone who wanted everything I did.
This seemed to snap OH into action and we had a very emotional chat where he said he's realised he couldn't live without me and he wanted us to be together properly.

Since this conversation our relationship has been great to the point were moving in together ina matter of weeks. I'm getting very twitchy though because although I know he's exactly who I want and he's taken my DS in as his own he cannot tell me he loves me.

He says he doesn't want to lose me and he enjoys my company and he really 'cares ' for me.

I'm so in love with him and am gutted to think he doesn't feel the same way!

Is 'caring' for me enough for this to work? I'm uprooting everything. Selling furniture. Changed DS' SChool.

FlaminSnowball Mon 13-Jul-15 06:43:57

Sorry phone being silly!

Surely he wouldn't make me go through all this if he didn't love me enough to want a future together?
I'm so scared!

TheHobbit Mon 13-Jul-15 06:59:18

He's commitment phobe and g
has trust issues as he was probably hurt badly before so he's trying to reserve his feelings. Yes it can work he just needs to realise you won't hurt him. Also as he seems to like it when you pull back don't be clingy. Keep a bit if distance and allow him to come to you and make first moves etc. Ie if you sitting on the sofa dint hold his hand allow him to hold it first if you see what I mean. This works extremely well especially if he has trust issues as it allows him to set the pace and grow trust.

FlaminSnowball Mon 13-Jul-15 07:01:01

Thanks Hobbit. Yes everytime I've pulled back he starts running. I'm such a laid back person though I just want to get on with it without all the games x

FlaminSnowball Mon 13-Jul-15 07:04:02

His latest retort on the subject was that he believes I'll get bored of an older man (he's only 10 years older and I don't care)

He knows I genuinely love him hmm

Aussiebean Mon 13-Jul-15 07:05:37

Personally I would not uproot mine and my sons life on someone who 'cares' for me.

But that's me.

Aussiebean Mon 13-Jul-15 07:07:24

You shouldn't have to play these games in order to work out his feelings. It should be easy.

If he has been hurt before then let him get counselling. You don't won't him changing his mind after you have no furniture and your son has said goodbye to his friends.

FlaminSnowball Mon 13-Jul-15 07:07:34

That's exactly what I'm afraid of Aussie. I'm the one changing our life. And should I be. I'm terrified

TheHobbit Mon 13-Jul-15 07:09:27

I wouldn't say its games as such, he just has to feel secure. He does want to be with you but is scared of being hurt which is why he chases you because he doesn't want to lose you. Don't tell him you love him as this can make him anxious initially. Just take it slowly and be nice and reassure him like give him compliments every now and then which will make him feel secure in his own way. Before you know it he will tell you he loves you. This method works really well. My DP has bipolar and has mega trust and confidence issues and I used this method and I've now gained his trust and he proposed and now we are much much happier and our relationship is great but I really had to slow down and reasure him for a long time.

Aussiebean Mon 13-Jul-15 08:26:42

Hobbit- would you have sold all your stuff and moved you child away from his home and school BEFORE you were able to reassure him and have him trust you?

KatieScarlettreregged Mon 13-Jul-15 08:29:56

My, what lovely lukewarm sentiment from your DP.
No way would I move in with this man.

thecatfromjapan Mon 13-Jul-15 08:42:04

It sounds as though you're uprooting everything to become a caretaker of an adult.
How will he cope if you get cancer , or some other serious, life-changing illness, and need a lot of care?
Would you like to be with someone who loves you -actively, without holding back, the way you want to love this man?
What stops you from thinking you can't have that?
TheHobbit may well be right but think hard: imagine all the other things you could be doing with your life if you weren't expending time and mental energy in thinking about 'How to train your partner'. You could write a book; have a beautiful garden, build great friendships.
And imagine what life would be like with a pert we prepared to pour all that love and energy into you and your mutual relationship.
Good luck.
Relationships aren't easy.
I don't know either of you - ultimately only you know.
But with any luck, something someone says will help you find clarity.smile

Everythinghaschanged Mon 13-Jul-15 08:45:03

I think it's very risky to be setting up home with a man you are unsure about, especially as you have a child. I would at least wait to see how the relationship progresses in time. You need to be 100% sure.

yougotafriend Mon 13-Jul-15 09:07:15

What if he never feels secure? I spend 23 yrs trying to reassure an insecure man with trust issues. In the end his lack of trust (amongst other unacceptable behaviour) became too hard to live with.

Ironically he constantly told me he loved me, but his actions rarely backed that up. And he was older than me by 8yrs it can make a difference as you get older.

I would be wary OP but if all of his actions show love & respect, I'm evidence of the fact that saying the words isn't any guarantee of a happy ever after.

morechildrenplease Mon 13-Jul-15 09:09:46

Just to give another side, my DH and I have been together 15 years and neither of us has ever said "I love you" to the other. For me, I am uncomfortable with expressing emotion and DH prepared to go with the flow on that. 15 happy years however speak for themselves. I have had many men over the years say that they loved me when their behaviour showed me that was far from the case. I have learned to judge the situation by the way the person behaves and not by how much they claim to love me. I would say that if your instincts tell you he does love you then go for your life and don't dwell on the words. If you have doubts aside from that, then proceed with caution.

KatieScarlettreregged Mon 13-Jul-15 09:10:51

Why would you even bother to try to convince him?
Are you that desperate?

FlaminSnowball Mon 13-Jul-15 10:07:08

No I'm not desperate I'll be fine with or without him.

I do love him and want to be with him. His actions tell me he loves me. He treats us amazingly well. He takes me out. Spoils me. Tells me I'm beautiful. He just can't seem to say the words and sidesteps it.
My sister says its just words. Anyone can say it and not back it up.

I just worry that by trusting he does deep down I'm being presumptuous and not listening and blindly going into something because I don't want to make a mistake.

FlaminSnowball Mon 13-Jul-15 10:09:22

Also to add he never makes me feel he doesn't trust me. We both lead our own i dependant lives. I go away to see friends. He does the same and we follow our own interests. He's a very independent guy and I love this about him.

He also let's me have my own freedom.

Handywoman Mon 13-Jul-15 10:20:45

I think a year of committed relationship is a relatively short period, when you've got kids.

It seems to me that he's holding the balance of power here, and maybe this is why his lack if expression seems significant to you. It either amounts to an element of doubt, or he is making you feel insecure. Only you can really know.

I would not be committing to move in in these circs.

Aussiebean Mon 13-Jul-15 12:24:47

Have you had a conversation about why he won't say it?

TheHobbit Mon 13-Jul-15 13:33:19

Catfromjapan I don't have kids so cant answer you in that regard. But actually I have just given up everything to move abroad wink so yes to your second question, I would. But then I am carefree and not tied down so different circumstances.

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