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Other halves inconsiderate friends!!

(6 Posts)
Stanleyblack Mon 13-Jul-15 05:40:38

I don't mean to moan about this but it's caused the vast majority of rows between over the past 4 years we've been together!!
Any advice would be great....
His friends - who are like family are very nice but also immature and rude. We used to meet with them regularly and although I get on with most people, love to socialise etc I've always found its been like sandpaper with them. The girlfriends/wives are very clicky and tend to socialise together often, any new girlfriends I befriend easily and within a short period of time stop hearing from them because they joined the click.
One of his friends wife stirred up a lot of trouble and even tried to split us up!! I've been to hell and back with his best friend telling me at a social event in a state of drunkiness I was manipulative and controlling all because he didn't see my other half as often!!
What frustrates me is I always try to organise meals out with them, I've got into the habit of asking them individually as couples out for dinner or over for dinner in an attempt to keep my other half happy and to try. That worked for a while however soon ended when they still acted the same in a group setting.
None of my friends treat my other half like this and always include him, are friendly etc and talk respectively and maturely about my other half. The are never off or rude.
My other half doesn't see it and poo poos it when I mention anything about how uncomfortable I feel and when they act inappropriate.
Some past things have included -
*One wife attempting to lap dance on his lap at a party, undoing my partners shirt (this was the first party id attended and we'd only been together 3 months)
*Girlfriends sitting on my partners lap at weddings
*Girlfriends/wives pulling my partner and his guy friends trousers down
*Inviting only my partner to events on social media sites
I've said at points I no longer want to spend time with his friends but thats then unfair and I don't want my partner to have to choose.
He did agree that when his friend confronted me about my behaviour that was out of order and he apparently spoke to him about this and I did receive an apology.
I've been away this weekend and out of the blue my partner was invited out where all his friends toast his new flat. We've just bought a flat which has been a long and big achievement together after saving hard. Something we both feel over the moon about. Despite us sending moving in cards and presents to his friends, we hear nothing - not even a text or fb message. We had a row last night as here we are again and I feel totally excluded like normal but I can't help but think they see on fb I'm away and all of a sudden my partner is invited out with them and not only that solo celebrations with no word or invite to celebrate out achievement together!!!. I'm prob over sensitive by it now but 4 years of this and I really think now I'm never going to be accepted. We have a wedding to attend this weekend and their all be there - I already feel anxious!!
I've got to the point where I feel it's best to just be polite and rise above it, tolerate it, don't drink alcohol and leave the events once it hits midnight, with or without my partner. Is this the way it should be???

Vivacia Mon 13-Jul-15 06:26:54

I wouldn't want to be friends with people who treated my partner like this or made them feel like this.

Cynara Mon 13-Jul-15 06:43:10

I'm with Vivacia. I can't imagine allowing my friends to upset or treat my partner like that. There's not a great deal you can do on your own to change this, I think the responsibility lies with your OH to sort them out or reconsider the friendship.

laurierf Mon 13-Jul-15 07:34:12

It's not the way it should be but I don't think it's that unusual for a "new" partner who does not automatically slot into an established group dynamic to be in this situation, though this particular group do sound very immature and pretty nasty. And because you didn't bend to their will and basically "let" (in their eyes because of course he just an innocent who is forced to do as you say) OH carry on as before, as if you didn't exist, you've been assigned your role as "nightmare girlfriend" or whatever. You are never really going to be "one of them" because you're not going to give the blokes "lap dances" and pull their trousers down hmm or bow down to whomever is queen bee of the clique.

I think getting your OH to sort them out is only likely to make the situation worse as it will still seem to them that you are "manipulating and controlling" him. You don't really want to spend time with them but you don't want to have to force him to choose… but why does he have to choose? Disengage from this group without any drama. Don't make him choose or get into a big argument over it - just have some regular nights when you socialise separately and go out with your friends when he sees his. He absolutely shouldn't expect you to be spending time with people who make you feel like this. If there are one or two of them that you actually like, you could continue to have the odd dinner with them here and there but only if you want to because you actually think you would enjoy the evening. If he can't accept this or if you then feels he starts prioritising time with his friends over time with you, then you need to reassess your relationship.

yougotafriend Mon 13-Jul-15 10:02:59

When I first met stbxh he hated the partners of all my friends and their wider group. I think part of the problem was that I'd socialised with them all while I was single (tho had never been with any of the single guys). He even wouldn't agree to them all being invited to our wedding.

As the tears rolled on we picked and chose which nights out we went to depending on how comfortable he felt about how the might would pan out (things could get pretty lairy Hut no lap dancing!!) and while I still went out with the girls, as couples we were very much on the fringe.

Roll forward 23yrs, we're seperated and guess who gets first refusal to all the parties... Part of me wants to tell them all how he's slagged them off for years!! (I won't of course)

Point being, I accommodated his feelings throughout our time together and it's up to your OH to accommodate your feelings.

yougotafriend Mon 13-Jul-15 10:04:01

*years rolled on.... Freudian typo cos there were many tears!!

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