Herpes question...can't post under 'sex' but urgent..?(27 Posts)
So, I recently returned to the dating scene after my long term monogomous relationship of 16 years broke up. My ex-partner had been cheating on me for many years. Details scarce but mostly it seems he had not been having protected sex. We both had STI checks for the usual, and all clear.
So, I just had my first sexual experience and it was a casual one night fling. We had oral sex, it was great. But he has now contacted me, saying that he thinks he has contracted herpes from me! And has blisters on his tongue. I have never had any symptoms, but from reading around the subject, most gential herpes carriers show no symptoms and can occassionally shed live virus and infect their partners.
I feel very stupid that I didn't use protection...do people actually use dental dams? I have never even seen one for sale next to the condoms...How can I get tested if I don't show any symptoms? I understand there might be a blood test but that it might not distinguish between HSV1 (the facial/coldsore virus), which I do have and HSV2 (which normally causes genital herpes). I feel like my whole future sex life might be totally screwed over by that cheating ex-partner (who never had any symptoms either, but maybe he too is asymptomatic)??
As far as I know, the only reliable test for herpes is done by having a swab taken from an active sore so if you don't have any, well...it's not gonna happen.
I have never heard of herpes causing blisters on a tongue.
If it was a casual fling, maybe he's been casual with somebody else??
If you google enough you can find herpes on nearly anything...
And yes...if he didnt catch it from me, could I have caught something from him??? I hate all this. I just want back in a safe monogomous relationship (though look where that got me). I'm no good with sexual unknowns. :-(
If it's the first sexual encounter since you last got tested and you were clear and you or your ex have never had symptoms I'd say it's unlikely its from you he has picked it up. However, let this be a warning, no strings sex can have lasting ties for many reasons.
Do you know much about this guy? Could he just be a person who sends messages out like this after for the hell of it? There are some pretty odd folk with warped senses of humour out there. Could be his way of making sure women don't go after a repeat experience with him? Or maybe he has developed a problem but you are just one of a few possibilities - let's face it, if he's not into commitment, he's quite possibly been elsewhere recently, in which case, lucky if he hasn't passed anything to you. Contemplate what you want in future and whatever you do be as safe as possible.
Bit personal but how long ago was the sexual contact?
My sister got herpes (she had sex with a man with a small scratch an inch below his lower lip. Turns out it was a cold sore). Within 3 days she had her first outbreak.
Or maybe he has herpes and he's trying to brush it off on you. Unless you have an outbreak down there right now, he wouldn't have caught it from you.
Plenty of people with genital herpes have an enjoyable, safe sex life, just refraining from sex when they have an outbreak.
Really he has no proof at all that he got it from you in all fairness. About 1/2 - 2/3 of all adults have it. You can only be tested if you actually have sores. Has he actually had his sores tested? If not its only conjecture on his part and he really wants to check that out before looking for blame.
While opinions do differ a bit on the subject, a lot of sufferers would say that you cannot pass it on if you haven't got an outbreak.
There was an excellent thread on herpes recently. Have a look through the search facility you'll get a lot of information. Most of it is very reassuring although you get the odd ignorant person spouting off when what they don't realise is that it is likely they have it anyway.
What I do know, as someone who has managed the virus for nearly 30 years, is that it is pretty individual. My partner has it and his is totally different to mine. His is more like a rash and moderately painful 2 or 3 out of 10, and mine is more like a cigarette burn with a blister and basically very painful 7 or 8 out of 10.
I know that I can treat mine very successfully and reduce the outbreaks. The drugs are really very good. I have never given herpes to anyone, despite having had monthly outbreaks for a good part of my life. Since being with my DP I have rarely had an outbreak, but he has removed a lot of stress from my life, so maybe that's why.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is don't stress about it. It sounds like a death sentence but it isn't. It is possible to have it without knowing about it, but I would say that it is unlikely that you were having an attack without know about it.
If he caught it from you, then wouldn't it be more likely to be the type 1 (mouth herpes) than type 2?
I think it's hard for someone to get herpes from a partner if they are not currently experiencing an outbreak. It's not unheard of but you'd have to be pretty unlucky. So I would be wondering if he actually had herpes and not just mouth ulcers or thrush or something.
Herpes on the tongue is something I've never heard of. I don't doubt you can have it there (as I think you can get it most places), but it would've been more likely for him to have the "normal" lip outbreak if it was herpes I would've thought.
Also, you talk about HSV1 and HSV2. Both can be mouth and genital. However, if you're infected with HSV1 it is hard to catch it down there as well as on your mouth, not unheard of but hard.
I guess I'm trying to say I doubt what he has is herpes, and if it is you don't know if it's from you. You said it was a casual fling, how do you know he didn't catch it off someone else? Even someone's cup or a towel?
If you want a monogamous relationship but are still feeling the fallout/effects of the last one. Better to have a break for a while rather than scratching an itch. Frustrating though it can be at first, it does wear off as time goes on, whereas, keep scratching and the urge will remain strong as ever - which is less helpful when it comes to making future choices of who to settle with - IMO.
Tell him you're clear and to check with his other ex partners. I think he's trying to place blame.
Thanks for posting. I saw him just over a week ago, so it could be real. I think in all reality it's unlikely BUT it's a good slap round the head for me to do things properly and safely in the future. Partly he caught me by surprise, that night I wasn't expecting it. I was all ready for regular sex (plus condom). I was never thinking of seeing him again but I really feel a bit taken down in confidence, especially after the ex. Its all mixed up in my head along with 'what's wrong with me', 'why did he cheat', 'can I ever find anyone else who'd be interested'...blah blah blah. If I coupd just go and get tested I would so at least I know if I have something to worry about...
I did tell I was clear, as far as I know, along with full (short) sexual history disclosure...
I joined MN just to reply you.
In theory he can get HSV1 from you to his mouth through kissing or to his pubic area (penis etc) through oral sex. This is because you carry that type as you suffer with cold sores. It is more likely to pass it on (I believe) while having an active outbreak but still possible even if you are not.
He would need to go to the GUM clinic to get tested from whatever sores/leisions he has - the quicker the better - as they take swabs. If he has them in his mouth, did you kiss?
HSV2 - you can get a private blood test for this (and it does differentiate between this type and type 1) to see if you are an asymptomatic carrier. I believe HSV2 presents only on the genitals, which means that you could not pass HSV2 (if you carried it) from your genitals to his mouth. Obviously if you were an HSV2 carrier then he or other future partners would be at risk from you if you had unprotected non-oral sex.
Regarding whether you could have caught anything - the risk for you would have been HSV1 from him giving you oral. You would need to check, but I think if you already have it presenting as cold sores you are unlikely to get it down below (I think it sort of lives in one location as I don't think it even crosses the body's meridian... But do double check that).
I hope this helps a little.
As I told him I sometimes had coldsores (but did not have one at the time) we did not even kiss. I thought at the time this was a bit paranoid and I wonder that maybe this is something he gets extremely worried about. Anyway, so v small chance of me giving him HSV1 anywhere. But i understand that if you have HSV1 you may be partially protected against HSV2, hence maybe I'm asymptomatic. I can't find a private blood test against HSV2 specific antibodies (i.e. IgG not IgM) in the UK...does anyone know of a service?
A testing centre that is...not a blister or anything
And mouth herpes is incredibly easy to pass on. I caught it from sharing a can of cola. It's only ever appeared on my bottom lip though, never on my tongue.
Oh, and you can make a dental dam out of a condom. Just trim each end off, snip along the length to make a square, and voila!
Christ, just noticed from your post he was too paranoid to kiss you because you were prone to cold sores. But he didn't have a problem with you sucking his willy? Sounds like a bit of an arse tbf.
Get tested for your own piece of mind Octo but it sounds like he's trying it on and pushing blame your way.
What kind of man doesn't kiss, or seems a bit weird about kissing? One who already has blisters on his tongue IMO!
I'm sorry you've been through such sh*t and that this idiot has knocked your confidence again.
Stay strong and know that not all men are like this.
He sounds paranoid!! He probably has an ulcer. The chances of passing on as an asymptomatic carrier are absurdly low. You had a clear test and you have absolutely no symptoms; I would tell him that and never see him again!
I wouldn't get into oral with someone I didn't know/trust well, for many reasons!
Another one here saying he just sounds paranoid. A day or two after my first sexual partner and I had sex (both virgins), he said he'd got a rash on the tip of his penis and thought I might have given him something. He knew I was a virgin for fuck's sake!
There was no kissing and I did not give him oral, there was penetration (with condom) and he gave me oral (no protection). But yes, he was an arse...
I think he thinks he has a super squeaky clean leader of the community image and obviously only a (dirty) slapper would have casual sex (evidence: I can get coldsores and once had casual sex- with him). That perception is almost as bad as the 'she must be fridged/sexual problems because why else would her ex go seeking it elsewhere'. And...yes I fall for it myself.
Stop being so hard on yourself. I'm sorry that your encounter was with such an arse. It sounds like you were as careful as you could have been.
If he pursues it I'd say I'm dreadfully sorry about your problem but I can't see how its from me. Which is a truthful statement.
I still find the no kissing a bit odd, especially as you were so intimate.
Take some time for yourself building up your self esteem. You don't need another idiot in your life. They have both treated you so badly and it's not your fault
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