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What to do with a disappearing DH?

(40 Posts)
Alwayswiththechords Sun 12-Jul-15 21:47:34

My DH has a habit of just 'going for a walk' or 'going to the shop' (the shop is just round the corner) or 'just taking the bins out' and then not coming back until 2-3 hours later. He's been like this for years, it wasn't so much a problem when we didn't have kids but now it's really annoying. Why can't he just say that he's going to the pub? Earlier this evening he said he's going for a walk and I said I will go for a brisk walk when he comes back, that was over 2 hours ago, I'm stuck at home, DS is a sleeping and I'm scoffing chocolate and sulking by myself. He doesn't have a phone so can't call and shout at him.

Just really annoying, why can't he just tell me where he's going and how long he will be? I'd like to do stuff too, go for a walk or round the shops or something. He works most nights and Saturdays so it's not a daily occurrence but still annoying. What can I do? Anyone else gone through something similar?

squidzin Sun 12-Jul-15 21:52:38

Not personally but definitely wouldn't trust this! If he ain't got nothing to hide, why hide it.
Selfish behaviour too.

AnyFucker Sun 12-Jul-15 21:54:00

disappear him for good ?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 12-Jul-15 21:54:43

If he was honest and told you he was going to the pub would you kick off about it? Is it always the pub he slopes off to or somewhere else?

Next opportunity you have, just walk out the door and leave him with the kids, don't tell him where you're going and don't go back for several hours. Maybe a couple of days! See how he likes it.

He's a bloody rude git and obviously doesn't care how you feel about his absences

Raspberryberet1 Sun 12-Jul-15 21:55:34

"Going for a walk" sounds like a euphemism for something else-I'm not sure what, but I'd be super suspicious.

By nature I'm a daydreamer and have a habit of taking longer to get places as I lose track of time while lost in my thoughts. I have, however, never gone for a quick walk and returned 3 hours later as it's not fair.

If you're sure there's nothing suspicious going on (OW being the easiest one to reach for but there are plenty more things that could have him occupied for that length of time) then you need to discuss how this is upsetting you. It seems only fair that you take turns for "time off" as opposed to him buggering off when it suits.

squidzin Sun 12-Jul-15 21:57:07

Follow him.

BiscuitMillionaire Sun 12-Jul-15 21:58:41

1) Does he have a problem with alcohol?
2) He's going to betting shops
3) He's shagging someone.

SanityClause Sun 12-Jul-15 21:59:05

What does he say when you ask about it?

Have you ever pointed out to him what would happen to the DC if you just decided to go AWOL?

What does he actually do? Is it always the pub?

Some people just need some space away from others sometimes, and maybe that is the case, here. But he does need to let you know, of course. What he is doing now isn't fair on you or the DC.

Only1scoop Sun 12-Jul-15 21:59:09

Unless he's in the ramblers association this is not acceptable.

Why don't you start doing this and totally turn the tables.

LovelyFriend Sun 12-Jul-15 22:00:13

You think he's going to the pub but he could be going anywhere doing anything.

I subsequently learned when my XP "popped out for a bit" he was buying cocaine for his nasty secret.

SauvignonPlonker Sun 12-Jul-15 22:00:44

My friend's "D"H did this a few times, apart from it was days he disappeared for. She was in pieces, phoning A&E, reporting him missing etc.

He went on to have at least 2 affairs, and finally left her (after 11 years) for an OW.

Selfish behaviour. Lack of respect. Avoiding responsibility. Shit communication.

I wouldn't be happy.,

BeautifulBatman Sun 12-Jul-15 22:00:58

Get in there before he does one time and disappear yourself for a few hours. See how he likes it. Or lock the fucker out next time he does it.

LovelyFriend Sun 12-Jul-15 22:01:25

Yes tomorrow night you do it. Tell him your just popping out and come home 3 hours later. Do it all week. Don't answer your phone.

Twinklestein Sun 12-Jul-15 22:31:54

Is he going for a 'walk' on Hampstead Heath?

littletwinkletoesx Sun 12-Jul-15 22:42:27

Tell him its not acceptable.
He does it because hes been allowed to do it.

Talk to him, find out where he is going and why he thinks its ok and tell him its got to stop.

Everythinghaschanged Sun 12-Jul-15 22:51:53

The one man I knew who did this was wheeling and dealing.

brusselsproutwarning Sun 12-Jul-15 22:55:19

Tell him how it makes you feel.
Odd behavior

DeanParrish Sun 12-Jul-15 22:56:05

My exH did this. Claimed he just needed to clear his head. The truth was he was with the OW.

CrispyFern Sun 12-Jul-15 22:56:06

Somehow you've got to a stage where this complete lack of respect seems ok from him to you in your relationship.
It's not normal. You don't have to put up with it.

Next time it happens, have a secret bag packed ready, go to your friend's house for the weekend.
When you get back, tell him it isn't acceptable and if it happens again he can piss off forever.

Thebluedog Sun 12-Jul-15 23:00:50

My Dad used to do this and it would drive my Mum up the wall.

He was such a sociable person that even putting the bins out would result in him chatting to the neighbours for an hour or two grin
The same with going to the shops, he'd find someone to natter to and chat for hours, thus making him late for everything. That said he did make sure they always had friends and were very active in the local community

Alwayswiththechords Sun 12-Jul-15 23:03:52

TBH I know where he goes when he goes out, a couple of times I have followed him there with DS and just left them together while I went and did my own thing for a while. DS loves the place as well, so I didn't feel too bad for him. But still it shouldn't kill DH to let me know before hand that that's where he will be and how long he will be gone. But tomorrow I will 'take a walk' and 'go shopping' after work and maybe even 'take the bins out' if I'm in the mood.

Alwayswiththechords Sun 12-Jul-15 23:15:25

Thebluedog Sounds like my DH, he does love chatting to people and being offered free drinks/coffees/teas whatever. he's always trying to get me to join in as well which is the worst.

AnyFucker Sun 12-Jul-15 23:15:30

what is the "place" he goes to then ?

SleepShake Sun 12-Jul-15 23:18:31

Curious now, where Is this place?

Alwayswiththechords Sun 12-Jul-15 23:22:08

It's a wine bar/cafe and he gets along well with the owners, gets free coffees and little treats for DS etc. I can understand the appeal, still doesn't excuse being away for hours or not admitting that's where he's going.

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