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Dating a guy and can't figure him out,AIBU(48 Posts)
I've been seeing this guy now for just under a month and we've been on about 5 dates so far. I really like spending time with him and he seems great. There are a few issues that are now starting to arise and I wanted to see what people thought.
1. He's just come out of a 13 year relationship and was married for 2 years to this person. They were each other first boyfriend and girlfriend and he's only ever slept with one other person. That's fine. However,his wife had an illness which meant they had to take it slow in the sack. Again,fine. I'm used to it a little bit differently but we both seem on board for compromise. We then revealed to me last night that he and his wife only had sex 3 times during the entirety of their 13 year relationship as she found it so painful. I was a little bit shocked by this,more that he entered a marriage in his late 20s knowing sex wasn't on the agenda,but I could see it was a massive step for him to tell me,so didn't question him further on it. So due to this issue,he claimed he's got very used to "taking care of himself" sexually. However,when we were getting intimate the other night and I was using my mouth on him, it appeared to have the opposite effect,as did my further use of my hands.
Now,I would have thought that after 13 years of masturbating would make someone else's touch more appealing,not less! That led onto me thinking that he possibly could have a low sex drive.
This also leads onto other things such as,I feel I'm instigating 70% of the moves,kissing,flirting and anything else. Example,we were out watching a band last night,and i was doing the typical flirty thing of putting my hand on his arm when talking,brushing my leg up against him,and there was pretty much no reciprocation. We haven't had sex yet as I realise he is quite overwhelmed by this new turn of events in his life and I don't want to scare off what could be a good thing,if I give it time,but I'm starting to get frustrated with it. I feel like I'm the one pouncing on him all the time,which he says he likes,but his actions show different.
I don't know,I suppose after writing all this down it seems clear we may be imcompatible but I really like the guy.
Sorry,would like to add that this guy is caring and generous and has other great traits. This just seems to be the sticking point. Sex is very important to me but I recognise its just a part in a normal relationship,but its an essential part none the less. I seem to have always gone for guys who are great in bed,but bastards everywhere else,hence why I'm trying to be patient with this one as he's lovely.
I think he has grown used to what is not normal and it will take him time to change. You can't expect him to just go straight to being your version of normal, especially as it seems that he has grown into an adult under these circumstances iyswim... However watch out as he may not be able to change. X
It sounds like it could be hard work, which isn't how new relationships should be. So if you are proceeding I'd suggest continuing to monitor how the relationship is working for you. You don't want to end up as his therapist.
I understand that men who wank a lot instead of having sex get used to a very firm death grip so can find normal sexual touch too light. It might be something he has to look into desensitising himself around in order to enjoy normal sex.
I wouldn't be so worried about the actual bedroom antics, you can work on those, but I would be worried by his passivity and lack of interest in you physically. That wouldn't work for me. I think your instincts are probably correct, this isn't just a matter of him being in a sexless relationship, it's that it lasted and he's not throwing himself into another one with you (yet, ever?) My experience with female friends is that people don't change so much on that score, or if they do, it goes down not up!
I definitely agree that we've both grown used to things,sex wise and these things are massively far apart,so we both need to give each other time. The thing is that I don't think I'm that into him/want a relationship that I can be patient for the time I think it will take. I was happy to see where this develops but I honestly feel that it could just be a summer fling,and he was happy to do the same,but it can't be a summer fling without sex! Maybe if I really wanted something long term and could see a potential future,I could give it the time it needs,but I'm not really looking for that at the moment.
And I think you're right about becoming his therapist, he's got massive self esteem issues which go way beyond self deprecating. Ive tried to impart that I like him for who he is and that I don't find what he deems to be weird side (geeky,a little overweight) unattractive. But I do find his lack of confidence to be a problem
Icando I would also say that you shouldn't polarise- nice guy = no sex, bastards = lots of sex, I don't think that's a 'penalty' you have to pay. A couple of my friends have dated guys who were really handsome and hunky, but just had low sex drives, one used to prefer sport and one was just a bit lazy (!) It is perfectly possible to find someone you is passionate about you in every department and also a nice person, I really don't think this sounds the one for you, and I think the idea of staying with him til things change (never?) as he's be good marriage/long-term material is actually even worse, this just doesn't sound like it has legs.
Hmmm I don't think I could trust a man who made such a personal disclosure about his ex wife after only five dates.
I would never stay with him long term just because he is good material,done that in my early twenties and it didn't work well! Its more that because of the type I tend to go for, I wanted to give this one a bit more time than I would usually. So for example, there were not butterflies until we kissed for the third time, it was nice, but the butterflies appeared later. In the past, I wouldnt have seen him again but I wanted to mix up my expectations a bit and see what happened.
I know you're right about it not being a compromise, but it's certainly does feel that in my exclusive, good sex usually comes with an arsehole attached! I'm trying really hard not to be jaded, but it's hard when you've had a few of them!
The massive self esteem issues would be too much for me,I'm afraid,at this stage in my life.I just wouldn't have the mental energy/inclination to take on a man who needs such 'fixing' in the areas you've mentioned (self esteem/physicality/compatability).
I think I'd be heading out of this situation,If I were you.
Stealth boast here that my DP is sweet, lovely, considerate, kind etc and has a healthy sex drive and is good and considerate in bed.
it's not surprising to me that considerate in life and considerate in bed go together!
So it is possible to have both. Though maybe what some women class as good in bed for them is more dominant, overpowering etc so might go with a personality like this which could be considered arsehole-ish in a boyfriend.
I once had an ex who was a bit controlling and manipulative both in the relationship and sexually and in bed I did find it very sexy but also a bit frightening. We only lasted 9 months. I wonder if we'd stayed together if this would have changed from risqué and hot to uncomfortable and bullying.
Getting used to "taking care of yourself" for so long (an entire adulthood in this case) does or indeed can, lead to a reduced sex drive, porn usage/dependency and a lack of interest in real sex. (some research from Germany). Also a requirement for a more vigorous level of stimulation to acheive arousal.
That's the sex side. If you are ok with a mis-matched sexuality because he is nice etc and what u r after then go for it. I wouldn't be able to though.
I would think that the lack of sex in his marriage suited him just fine, at least in part. I may be totally wrong about that, but staying with someone for 13 years and marrying that person knowing that it is virtually sexless would be very unusual unless his sex drive was compatible with that to some extent.
God,do you think so? So how do I broach this now? I can't just ask him about his sex drive but I don't want to go any further down this line if that's what I'm going to be faced with. I don't have a particularly high sex drive,and I've been with partners who have had less of a sex drive and more of a sex drive and the first was definitely more of an issue. I can work with the second but not the first.
My comment was just a thought on the internet from a random stranger, so don't take it as gospel. I don't know this man at all, so it's your opinion that really matters.
Yes,but I think there's some truth to it. When we talk about his marriage breakdown,lack of sex hasn't come into it once.
It really helps to get others opinions as well as I wanted the check if I was being unreasonable or not.
yeh, bit unusual... i haven't had that much sex in the last 8 years (single for most of it, all bar 3 short or shortish relationships) but if I met somebody i liked i could certainly roll with it. NOT having had sex for ages doesn't prevent me from having it in the future!
Well that's what I was thinking too Tetleys. I was going to write in my first post that after 13 years of solo sex surely you would appreciate a real live person. Having said that I wouldn't rush into sex with anyone, so maybe this man is similar.
Exactly! I thought me touching him would have the right effect as in,he'd be too turned on I suppose. And he did get turned on,but it didn't really last.
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I can't be 100% sure as that's what he's claiming. But I wouldn't be surprised.
You say you didn't have sex, but you had oral sex didn't you? Was that one-sided?
I gave him oral sex and he's also helped me out,with his hands,if you get the picture
I can relate to some of the issues you describe, and I am just getting to a point now where I am resolving them with my own DP.
We've been together coming up to a year. Sex started off really promisingly but took a nose dive really early on and I was concerned, to the point of thinking of breaking it off because I couldn't handle a mismatched sex drive after coming out of a sexless marriage the year before. I was so gutted though, he is an amazing man and I had really fallen for him.
Anyway, he had his own issues regarding sex. A previous relationship where he was rejected sexually for two years, had become reliant on himself, plus a fairly heavy dose of low body confidence, not helped by an episode of ED when we had been out drinking.
It got to the point where we would be getting down to it and he would over think and lose his erection. Then he avoided getting sexual altogether. He just got really stressed out about it, to the point where he didn't want it. But I didn't know any of this at the time of course.
We were able to talk about it though. It was really hard to talk about at first but we wanted to work on it because neither of us wanted to lose what we thought we had found in each other. We've taken things really slowly and I'd say now, seven months on, it's getting really good and we're both looking forward to trying new things.
It has been worth working on because he really wanted to change things and overcome things and he has really made an effort. Even to the point of a new health and fitness regime so he feels better about himself.
Another thing I'd say is that he is generally really affectionate, and we spend a lot of time cuddling up. I'm never in any doubt that he fancies me and wants me, even if he isn't necessarily trying to get me into bed all the time. Although increasingly now, he is because he has started to see sex isn't something to worry about.
I know people say new relationships shouldn't be hard work and I agree to an extent. I also think that it is unrealistic to think that people who meet when they are older and have been through break-ups don't come with hang ups and a bit of baggage.
To me, because everything else was wonderful, and we were able to be completely open and honest about it, it was worth working on and I am so glad I did. I really love him.
I think it has to be worth it though.
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