Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I need help to move on. I'm not strong enough on my own.

(8 Posts)
RepeatAdNauseum Sat 11-Jul-15 21:15:33

I'm struggling to come to terms with the end of my relationship. I know the relationships board is full of wise people, so I'm hoping you might offer advice/support so I can get through this.

I'll try to keep it short. I'm 24, and I've been with my ex-DP for almost a decade. We went through a lot together. I'm orphaned, and my foster mum punched me in the face and kicked me out in the middle of the night. The council wanted to put me in a Salvation Army with no doors on the rooms, so DP's family took me in, and I lived there for a while. Then we moved out and lived abroad for a while, and then in quite a remote area of the UK.

I will admit that while our relationship was good, in my eyes, I do think I had a codependency problem. I did financially support us through both being abroad and his degree, and helped him getting his dream job. Then I lost my job due to my disability, had to learn to walk again, and then quickly went through two jobs with terrible management.

We moved into our new flat in Feb, but by this point, we weren't really doing much. Neither of us had much of a social life, I was overweight and struggling without a social life, and I struggled with DP pulling away. He left in March after a stupid argument, and went to live with his parents. He's been there since.

For around a month, we didn't talk at all. Then we text occasionally, and now we text quite a lot every day, and see each other a few times a week. I've told him that I'd like to get back together, and he is thinking about it. He maintains that he hasn't had much time to think - he's been at risk of redundancy since February, and he does seem to work in a stressful environment at the moment - and as he lives at home rent-free, his parents expect him to help out and spend time with them in the evening, etc.

I saw him yesterday, for my birthday. I told him I was struggling with us being apart, with missing him. He said he'd think about it. He repeated that he's enjoying his space, and that while he does miss me, it doesn't kick in until we've been apart for a few days. He's enjoying exploring new hobbies. I get that. He said he comes to see me because I make him happy and he likes seeing me, but he hasn't thought about it any more than that - he didn't think we'd ever see each other again when we split.

From my point of view, though, it hurts. If I told him that, he'd say he can't see me anymore because he doesn't want to hurt me. I keep setting myself deadlines and saying that I'll walk, but I can't seem to do it. I love him. I am distracting myself with work, loads of exercise, learning to drive, learning French. I've got a whole house to look after now. But I miss him. It's been months, and I miss him anyway.

I've gone through the angry phase, and the sadness, and the sleeping all hours of the day. Usually, in the limited number of heartbreaks I've had, it passes after that. But I seem to be always left with a residual love for him and I'm finding that so difficult.

Any advice? I feel so sad friend is out with her new boyfriend, I think that's mixed up some feelings in me.

cozietoesie Sat 11-Jul-15 22:42:33

You sound low and that saddens me.

Why did your DP's family take you in, Repeat - I mean did you meet him before them or vice versa?

And do you have any friends other than the one who is out tonight? Is she a housemate now?

Fearless91 Sun 12-Jul-15 08:15:23

I'm sorry you're feeling so low, Repeat flowers

The reason why you're still feeling sad is because you're still seeing and meeting up with him.
By doing this its preventing you from moving on/making progress.

I know it's hard and painful but I think you need to be 100% honest with him about what you need and then make a deadline but stick to it.

At the minute he's living somewhere rent free, he's taking up these new hobbies and has improved his social life. He sees you when it suits him (when he starts missing you) but won't actually come back - he has it made!

Are you still sleeping with him when you meet up? I hope not - that'll just make it worse.

Thing is Repeat its been 4 months since he left and he still can't make a decision because in his words he "hasn't thought about it any more than that". He's had 4 months to think about it!

You can bet your life that once he sees you getting stronger and not waiting for his return that's when he will start panicking and wanting to come back.

midnightvelvetPart2 Sun 12-Jul-15 09:24:20

Thing is Repeat you are now his Plan B, it suits him to do his own thing yet have you waiting there lovelorn for if he ever decides to come back.

Make a clean break of it love, stop seeing him, get out, meet new people & start a new life. A decade is a long time to love someone but if he's been gone 4 months then he's moving on. Is it actually him that you miss or is it the relationship sized hole that you miss, if its that then someone else will fill it in time. You are 24, you will be gorgeous & energetic & vibrant, even if you can't see it. Get yourself out there & live your life, you don't want to be 34 & still hanging round on the offchance he will come back.

And yes yes to the poster who said that once you are unobtainable he will come sniffing back round, but by then hopefully you won't care! smile

pocketsaviour Sun 12-Jul-15 10:07:50

Are you still sleeping with him when you see him? If so, there's your problem. You're resetting the bonding every time you do that.

The only way to move on from him is to stop seeing him. I think he's been very clear that he doesn't want to get back together, and if you're sleeping with him then it's pretty obvious why he keeps coming round.

If you hadn't seen him since the day he walked out the door, you'd be halfway to over him by now. Make that decision today that you won't see him from now on. That will make today the first day of your recovery period. Hold on to that and realise that although it's a cliche, time does heal these wounds.

BrowersBlues Sun 12-Jul-15 10:40:06

You sound like a really lovely intelligent young woman. You can do it alone. I know it feels daunting but you really need to focus on yourself now. It will feel lonely at times but just accept that and plough on because things can get better. It is definitely not going to be easy at first but you will be ok.

I can't tell you how much I admire you, your childhood was not easy and yet you survived. Exercising, learning french and learning to drive I honestly take my hat off to you.

You have a future ahead of you and you will meet someone else when you are ready. It's perfectly normal to feel bad when your friend meets someone new and is all loved up. Maybe when you feel up to it you could go out with her and test the waters by chatting to people.

I can guarantee you that most people on MN have felt alone and vulnerable when a relationship breaks up. Don't let the loneliness daunt you, accept it for the moment because it is not forever. Someone like you with such a will to live will be fine. It will be tough at times but you have already proved that you can turn things around for yourself. Best of luck x

RepeatAdNauseum Tue 14-Jul-15 18:17:14

I haven't slept with him since before we split. I do think he just likes seeing me, but I don't want to be his friend.

I haven't spoken to him today and I miss him like crazy. I've also had a frantic day at work and although people have been full of praise and I should be very happy, I'm tired and I've got a headache and I miss him. I feel so sad.

I've just moved the hedge into his new house, he's happier, I think. I've text all the nearby friends I have to see if anyone wants to do anything, but I think the miserable weather is putting most people off. I may go for a walk for half an hour, just to force myself out of the house and try and force my head to clear.

I know you guys are right, so I'm hoping no-one will mind if I lean on you when it's tough, rather than running to him. It feels like my soul hurts.

Sweetsecret Tue 14-Jul-15 18:28:30

Repeat, it is so sad to read your posts because you just sound so sad.
I can relate to how you are feeling now and it is right what everyone is saying, it is because you are still seeing him and enjoying his company.
believe me I know I did this when my H left me four months ago, we have to see eachother as we have two children, and for ages I would look forward to him coming over because I missed him so much and thought we were becoming closer again. that wasn't the case, he wanted me as a friend and Co parent and that was it.
I feel like recently I have turned a corner as I don't contact him now unless it's urgent regarding the kids.
But less contact I have the easier it is.
As hard as it is, I would go no contact.
it is the most difficult thing I have ever done especially when you do get along, but it is the only way.
You need to move on as though he isn't coming back.sad
I am so sorry you are feeling this low, I promise you it does get easier. people said that to me and I didn't believe them, but it really does.
Keep posting as the support you get from here can be amazing.thanks

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now