No plans hopes or dreams?! Bit of a rant/cry

[Brownsofa]

Hi,

I'm not sure where I'm going with this so forgive me if a little scrambled but I need to vent :

Does anyone feel that now they have split up their just living month to month etc what I mean is financially I'm ok but just ok- no money to plan things for future with, no big dreams to be able to fulfil.
I'm kinda resenting the freedom of dreaming an planning that my separation has taken away:-( I went out with school mums last night as a one off and out of ten of us I'm the only one in my shoes at 40.
Their all talking about their trips out, holidays planned, extensions an builders- their nice office jobs and it just makes me feel utterly inferior.
I've got a nice but small trip planned for Weymouth in October but that's as far as I can stretch. My house is nice area and its presentable an tidy but needs tarting up here and there(a mans hand )
I work in emergency services and quite often am wading in the lowest of low of society.
In short I guess I feel like I'm standing still, treading water.
And it goes without saying that the lying cheating ex is presenting a happy outlook etc life is great (although I know the truth, up to eyeballs in debt ) etc

So I'm sorry if this is a bit garbled but anyone out there feeling same?

An whilst I'm here, does anyone ever feel the urge to really go no holds barred shit spilling on their ex? We had some mutual friends who he still sees a lot in same circles and I'm sure he's created I'm an ogre- but they think he's a nice bloke with nice excetutive job, little do they know the debt, the lies and stealing money he done to get there- nor what a shit father he is, puts his job before his son, an playing child's games on phone when seeing his son the x2 nights he's meant to- basically a very selfish man.
I'd just love for all those people to know what he's truly like and to get some rough justice. I hate that he created this mess but I'm still here holding the parental fault whilst he lives like a single male.

Has anyone else felt like this- if you have let me know! I know one day it will change but I just guess I'd like to know when :-( thanks .

I've no one to really talk to anymore either, my friend moved couple hundred miles away and we re loosing contact now she's changed her life up,there's a part of me doesn't want to bog her down, let her fly (so to speak) an because of shift work it's hard to make new friends!

[CookieDoughKid]

Brown - I didn't want to read and run. I think you need to concentrate on yourself more - perhaps focus on your career and your hobbies. Forget about the ex. It sounds like it's all still very raw. Ranting about your ex isn't going to help you. Getting a better paid job will enable you to have the lifestyle you want and plan and pay for things. It's small steps but you can do it.

[Brownsofa]

Thanks cookiedough

My job is well paid but stressful, but no hope of change there at the moment.

I don't feel raw 2 years in but then every now an again like today or tonight I do- an I can't understand where it comes from, maybe it was the drinks.
I just feel everyone is having some kind of better time than me if that makes sense ? I feel I feel I'm a victim an I can shake it most days but not all.

[yummytummy]

Brown i also feel exactly the same could have written your post. Especially when married friends are blithering in about fancy holidays etc it makes me want to scream. Also get the lack of hope thing. Not got much advice as i am struggling myself but if you are anywhere near me am happy to meet for coffee

[Sweetsecret]

Yep I know how you feel, except I am really struggling for money.
I had to come off Facebook and things as I was sick of seeing all the "happy" families all going on their summer holidays etc.
A few of my friends are either pregnant or have just had their first child, and while I am over the moon for them. I wish I was back there when I was so happy and content with my beautiful family and he loved me. you're allowed to feel like this from time to time, just don't let it consume you.

[Zebraface]

Hi Brownsofa.
Yes, totally get how you feel. You don't say how long you've been separated (I'm separated 4 years,divorced 3....was married 25 years).
Still feel bitter (although MUCH less now). In a house I hate,which is convenient for school/work. Can't afford nice holiday & unable to plan.... An element of depression still I feel.
All I can say is,it does get better. Just take steps to improve things,hobbies,getting out meeting people etc. Look ahead,not behind as that doesn't help.
As for rough justice,forget it. I'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around....so leave him to his fantastic friends,they'll make their own minds up when the truth is known. You'll be way down the road,not giving a sh?t.
Look (keep on keeping on), it will feel better.

[broadbeanstew]

Another one saying I totally know how you feel. One year on from separation. Me and the kids are doing ok but my job doesn't pay well, we rely on tax credits, live in a rented house, no holidays this year. I went out with some school mums and was really looking forward to it, but all the talk of extensions, holidays, house prices etc really got to me, I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. And they just wanted me to dish the dirt on my so-called single life (newsflash- online dating is not so great!).

[Spintastic]

Yes I can relate . I was in similar circumstances with two kids and felt the same

I'm now 43 and we are three years forward . I'm married to an amazing man, I own my own house now and that's why I can confidently state that everything will improve.

You have a home and a job. All you need to do is lose the bitterness towards your ex because you'll be freer as soon as you don't give two fucks what he is doing or saying. This takes a lot of time so give it just that

[mrsdavidbowie]

I understand how you feel.
I divorced this year and am in much reduced financial circumstances but manageable with careful budgeting.
Whereas before I could spend £500 a month on personal spending I can no longer do that.
However I am happy, calm and so are the children.

In 2 years time I will sell the house which will give me a sizeable lump sum. I aim to rent for six months to a year then move away to a new life.

I find by having an enigmatic smile on my face when people ask about ex...they get what he is like without me having to say anything. He refuses to speak to me or see me..fine by me, but as he lives there streets away that is interesting! He has let down the kids and shown his true colours with them...they are seeing him for who he is.

I have good friends but font get the dinner party invites I used to!.But I make sure I go out and am kind to myself.
It will get better x

[Handywoman]

Hi Brownsofa

I can relate to this, it's 2 yrs since I rid myself of a very inadequate and selfish man.

The responsibility and relentlessness of raising the dc singlehandedly and working unsociable hours in a job that can mean life- or death (I do a similar job) is totally punishing.

My ex lives a mile up the road and has no such worries. But he's a nob and not a fully formed adult.

But I also don't necessarily envy those school mums, many will be in dreary, unequal relationships, some will be putting on a brave face and going home miserable (if you think if the things you have seen in your job, they also go on in 'naice' families, of course). Those mums will maybe also have debt and dirty pants to pick up off the floor and sleep among the farty sheets of a man.

I love the little things about being unattached, climbing into my own double bed at a time of my choosing, not having to consider another adult when planning my week or my meals, there's also a lot of freedom in that.

Plus the knowledge that my dc are growing up to be wonderful humans and it's all down to me

It's hard when holding it all together, to allow yourself to feel the pain of what you've been out through. Maybe you need to do that a bit more?

Pick up the phone and talk to your mate.

[Vagabond]

Brownsofa, I think you're a hero for working in emergency services!

if you can do that, you can do ANYTHING!!!

A twat of an ex is nothing but the need for a little time to get over. You are brave and can do things that 99% of us on here could never do. A guy will be lucky to meet you!

[Wotsitsareafterme]

Hi op, separated, tick, work with edge of society, tick (SW), quit FB, tick

I'm 3 years in. You have to start planning stuff and moving forward. Otherwise it feels like you don't have a life. Start diarising things out of the paper locally which are free. Find some other single parents too this is crucial for me.

[Allofaflumble]

Brown. I do know how you are feeling.

Life can be so utterly unfair. I am 18 months on from a split and I still fester on the fact he has had nothing but good luck since we parted! Arrrrrgh. I have many a vitriolic thought I can tell you.

[Allofaflumble]

Ps. I think you are a hero too. All the best.

[Brownsofa]

Hi ladies-
Thank you so so much for your really kind messages - honestly from bottom of heart.
It all sounds like you too are doing admirable jobs of getting on with your lives .
So I guess from this it will get better one day, just not yet! It seems almost like the grieving process.
I guess I'm so used to sorting situations for people and I'm just not used to being the one out of control I guess.
Handy woman, once I'd given myself a mental slap this morning I think you could be right about "the mums".
I actually realised that in amongst their conversations I did recall that one was saying she never sees her hubby as if he isn't out working in the high flying job he's golfing or drinking so I guess that is the downside( for all I know I could be picking him up from the gutter in the city after snorting too much coke, lots of those are on appearances sensible high flying 40-50 yr olds)!!
My brain kinda forgot those bits when it was giving itself a kick in.

Thanks to your compassion I took matters in hand today. I actually done a very strange thing this morning.......
I deleted the fb app so I couldn't access it so easily an haven't looked at it all day, needless to say I haven't missed it, especially weekends, watching posts regarding happy families!
And even stranger, I went to 8am church service. I'm a non believer but I love churches graveyards hymns I went because I needed 30 mins of niceness - an it's what I got, the warm handshakes, a hymn and a thought provoking sermon- funnily enough regarding the story of how John the Baptist got his head severed.
What was eery/spooky is that the vicar compared something Herod said and john had said in the marketplace- he compared Facebook to a modern day marketplace where ppl gossiped, preached , said things they regretted in anger which came back to bite them...... Was just what I needed.
I then got a Starbucks coffee whilst the car was cleaned then had a nice dog walk, bath and read a book before some housework and food shopping.
It was productive- an I realise I waste time reading about others lives, which makes me feel jealous/low/envious at the same time as not getting stuff done.but I'm normally a productive person anyhow but I done it all at leisure, peacefully, calmly and cut myself some slack where I could.

So I go forward this week trying to remember today and it's calmness, not filled with other people's babble and nonsense just concentrating on my sons last busy week at school before the holidays (x2 sch plays a disco an meet the teacher) whilst holding down the day job of pleasant individuals lol lol .....
Wishing you luck this week fellow mummies- thank you x

[Sweetsecret]

Honestly I haven't been on fb for a week now and I actually feel better for it. we all know that it isn't real life, but having all that "happy family" stuff in your face whether it be real or fake, really was bringing me down. Stay off it, I swear you will feel tonnes better. I do hope you feel better soon, it is a grieving process and I think I have hit the anger stage. Can't stand to be in the same room as my ex at the moment, I just find him so annoying! never thought I would say that! Ha. You are doing a great job, just keep plugging away it will get better.

[Handywoman]

I couldn't give a monkeys what stbxh is up to. And I don't think about 'him' at all, really... BUT it doesn't stop me feeling angry about the unfairness of the day-to-day grind of being a lone parent. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I veer all the time between loving the freedom and autonomy - relief at being free of the ex - anger at the situation - and back again... Frequently in the course of one day!! Am having therapy to work through it all, with the aim of finding peace.

[alongcamespiders]

Very similar situation , it's hard to say these things out loud. It feels as tho friends and family have forgotten me and my kids.
Huge money worries, at risk of losing house, no holiday for five years and none on the horizon
Health issues , permanent exhaustion.
I hate my job, not even earning enough to live here let alone enough to rent somewhere smaller, mortgage cheaper then private renting, feel so lost and scared.
Lots of issues with ex but he does have the kids regularly so that's something. Sometimes I feel so low think they'd be better off with him.

[Brownsofa]

It's very defiantly hard to say things out loud.... But I have before and I end up looking some kinda bitter twisted fool.i agree totally with the statement about I don't care about him, I just feel cheated out of the fairytale ( whatever that is) I feel cheated on my sons behalf that a con artist dad can take everything away an not care.
There's so many situations/scenarios that I could pour out to show how poor a father/husband and man he is- but there's no where to go with all that bile so it just goes round and round.
I've never been one for keeping a journal but maybe now I'm not fb'ing I should use my 5 mins to document my thoughts, almost as if to get them outta my head! Exorcise them if you will!

I can totally see about the fb thing too, I can see how glimpsing snapshots constantly of the great times people are having is making us feel shittier (I know it's all bollocks but it's feels like they have a great life) but it's rammed constantly down your throat my social media, TV etc
I think the soloution for me will be/is to withdraw from it- go back to good ole fashioned telephone conversations- read a book- watch a nice film- no bloodshed heartache etc maybe some of the 40s/50s/60s films when the world an it's morals "seemed" a nicer time.thats gonna be the soloution for me for this week- to go back to things which do make me feel good and not a bitter twisted brink of divorcee ????
I've given up smoking 6 weeks ago, because I was ready, an it's been great, unlike the other times(because I wasn't ready).if I can crack that after 20 years, I've gotta be able to have a fair shot at this.
It's a bit comparable to fb an the like- I realise that if I were to have just one drag of a cigarette it would be the beginning of the end an I'd slip back, fb is a bit the same-
I feel like I've spent 2 harassed stressful years trying to keep up, I've gotta slow this all down to my pace.

[Wotsitsareafterme]

Op deactivate your account - seriously. I did it 2.5 years ago and am much happier for it. I can glance at it occasionally now it doesn't affect me it just bores me. It's so passive too. Quit it and tell people you have and they have to contact you directly to organise things - they get used to it after a while also it sound like you can say it's for work reasons like I do and not have to explain it makes you feel crap.

I love the idea of the sermon you mentioned - that vicar is spot on in his analogy I'm impressed

[Brownsofa]

Wotsits, I know nothing of the bible except for school RE lessons so it's funnily interesting now.
Came at the right time. X