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My DH is awful with money & gets depressed when i mention it. (VL)(87 Posts)
Ive been an emotional wreck for a few days now and its been building up so i thought i'd ask for your help and opinions.
My Dh has always been awful with money, when we met he was in a FT job as a cashier in a large well known supermarket. I already had my career and was earning well. So i always had more money than he did and therefor had the lifestyle of an adult and i liked it. I also had a DC from a previous relationship who i was able to spoil and support her financially without help from her father (who isn't obliged to pay for his daughter as he is on benefits and has never worked). I should also mention that my family are hard workers and have made money over the years and invested wisely which is where i get my steady head for money from. Dh's family are well off but haven't taught him about money.
Over the years DH has had difficulty with talking about money, helping me out financially and seems to get annoyed when i ask for money. For example when we first moved in together he had his money & i had mine, it wasn't shared. This was fine with me as he paid some bills and i paid others. However when we moved in together i lost a lot of money as i was no longer a single parent. Fine; i explained this to DH (then BF) didn't offer to help out at all, even though it had hindered me little bit. Ok it isn't his daughter so i let it go. (I should point out that by this stage DH had legal guardianship of my DD, so technically she is his)
A few years later we decided to get married and have another child, i paid for the Wedding on my own with again not one pound from DH, despite asking on several occasions. OK i know by this stage I've been soft with him but i kept hoping that he would change and with the baby coming along he would see that it was time to support his family. When the baby arrived, no money, not one thing did he buy for the baby. My DM helped me out and was always asking why i was living so poorly compared to before. By this stage had had changed my job as we had moved away and i was in a good job but on a very low wage. Things got so bad that a year later we had to move again as i was made redundant from my job and we could no longer afford the rent.
We moved into house which belonged to my Grandmother and knowing our financial state she offered a very low rate of rent which was affordable. We decided that with the low rent we could afford for me to be SAHM (childcare costs are to high anyway)and DH started for the first time to give me some money each month. So we have been here 18 months now, great, things are tight but we are coping and overall we are very happy as a family.
I came home last week to find that DH had bought himself several luxury items on a credit card, a new coffee machine, an apple watch, an other computer and a few bits for a particular hobby he has. I was livid, i can barely afford to buy new shoes for the kids and i never spend money on myself anymore i am literally broke! He has 4 credit cards and thousands of pounds worth of debt. The whole point in the move was to be sensible, get on our feet, try and be debt free and start to save money. This isn't a one off either.
Now heres the worst bit, i am so ashamed and embarrassed about this and I've no idea how to fix this mess. DH hasn't been paying my DG the rent money for TEN months!!! I only found out when we got in an argument and he told me he hadn't paid the rent because "we were living like beggars and thats not living at all". I visited my DG who i am very close to and she said that she didn't tell me about it because she could see that we where struggling and that she didn't want to embarrass me. She has also said not to worry about there went until we get on our feet and start saving some money, i can't do this, i need to pay her back and start paying her the rent. Plus i feel like she wonders why i married a man who would do this.
I feel like kicking him out. He says he's depressed now, this is always the case wehe has to face the music about his spending habits. What the hell do i do now? I am currently looking for a job as i feel I've no alternative. I am so ashamed writing this, what has my life become, its bloody miserable.
I should mention that this is his biggest fault otherwise he is a great dad to both the kids and a loving DH who gets along well with everyone and has never missed a days work in all the years we have been together.
I should say that he now has a great job at the Supermarket and he's had several promotions plus a company car.
Kick him put until.he has got up to date with the rent, and then only have him back on the premise that he hands over control of finances to you.
It's a pretty big fault OP. I don't think I could get past it, especially the spending on items for himself at the expense of th family.
He's shown you his attitude and that he's not going to change, so I guess it's over to you about whether or not you're prepared to put up with it on that basis?
1 Explain to him that this is not acceptable - he has basically screwed over your family
2 Kick him out
3 Sort out benefits for you as a single mother
4 Job hunt
You have been too soft on him, but you know this. Now he is acting like a child, not paying rent but treating himself!
With him gone, you can be in charge of your own finances and he can pay maintenance. If he wants to come back, he needs to prove with actions that he understands how bad this is.
Also, don't let this talk of depression throw you. It is a way to deflect from the argument - real depression cannot be switched on and off when it suits the sufferer!
Depression my arse. This man is a classic cocklodger: he thinks he is entitled to spend his money on himself and be supported by you.
Chuck him out and apply for single-parent tax credits. And set the CSA on his arse, as well.
I would divorce him immediately to make sure that any future debt is in no way tied to you.
So he was in a good job when you married but you paid for the wedding all on your own? This didn't set any alarm bells ringing? And then he bought nothing for the baby, continued to run up large debts so you had to throw yourself on the charity of your grandmother in order to afford to live .. and you thought he was a good enough bet that you could consider the financial risk of being a SAHM?
I think you realise now that you have been incredibly naive with regards to this man and his attitude to money. Well, that can happen to any of us and no good will now come of beating yourself up about it, but you do need to recognise that with children to protect you need to be a lot more mindful of the financial risks in your life.
Why are you looking for work to pay back your grandmother? I would insist he either returns all the useless new crap he's bought (an Apple watch, for god's sake) or sells it to use the money to start paying off the debt. I would then inform your family that no-one is to lend him any money or in any way keep you in the dark about debts so as not to embarrass you - you must be kept informed. I'm sure your instinct will be to try and keep this a secret but you will be far better off being quite open about it. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Then I think you take advice from CAB about how you protect yourself from the extent of your H's debts. It doesn't seem likely he is going to stop spending any time soon. I would suggest that that means he can't be part of your household.
Plus i feel like she wonders why i married a man who would do this.
Aren't you wondering this too?
It was a bit naive to stop working when you knew he was crap but tbh I think he's had loads of opportunities to step up and just hasnt had to. So make him. How dare he decide your gran doesn't need the money? I would be beyond humiliated and couldn't stay with him. Bin him.
Thank you all for your replies.
I think you are all right I've no option really but to ask him to move out. I don't want to divorce him, i love him, is this really an option i should consider, shouldn't i give him a chance to make this right? Do people like this not change?
Tribpot; he was still working his way up the ladder but regardless i went ahead and married him. Yes i did have alarm bells ringing but i really did think it would be fine, i buried my head in the sand. And yes, everything you've said is correct which is why i feel so ashamed.
Yes, i want to work to pay her back and also support my family and get out of this mess.
Cocklodger and manchild.
What a lovely man who screws over your gran, knowing full well she's too nice/worry about you and kids to mention the rent.
What a lovely man who keeps his kids short.
What a lovely man who lets you pay for the wedding.
WTF has he been spending the (subsidised) rent money on?
Get rid OP - best financial and relationship decision you'll make.
As long as you are married, you have financial ties to him. I hope someone with proper legal knowledge will come along to advise you. But I fear that you are responsible for his debt and you should take any steps necessary to untangle yourself. As previous poster suggested, ask CAB or a solicitor about the extent of your responsibility.
Most importantly, do not cover for him. Friends and family will help you if they know. Your gm sounds like a wonderful person.
IME people like this don't change. They have a default setting of always putting their wants before everyone else's needs (even their own children).
You need to protect yourself and your dcs from his selfishness. Either you accept him as he is (I couldn't) or you leave. A good dad wouldn't buy and apple watch before paying the rent that puts a roof over his dc's heads
You need to understand how you are tied financially if you remain married, CrystalHealer. It really is that simple. He has put his need to spend above the needs of his family and now you have to as well. Get yourself to CAB armed with as much information as you can find about the debts. As you have no property at least he can't have secured anything against it, but you're never going to be solvent whilst you're tied to him.
shouldn't i give him a chance to make this right? Do people like this not change?
That attitude is what you got you to here. You said it: Yes i did have alarm bells ringing but i really did think it would be fine, i buried my head in the sand.
I would tell him to return or sell the latest stuff and then move out until he can demonstrate a complete and sustained 180 in terms of his attitude to money. In the meantime you start to assess your options in terms of your liability for the existing debt.
This 'man' has NEVER paid his own way nor has he ever provided for the dc he has responsibility for. You have had to rely on the kindness of family to avoid homelessness.
DH had bought himself several luxury items on a credit card, a new coffee machine, an apple watch, an other computer and a few bits for a particular hobby he has This is where the rent money has gone.
he's not going to change. he knows you're too soft and will always pick up the pieces because that's what you've always done. i know you love him but you seem to have allowed that to cloud your reasonable judgement for a long time. he doesn't actually care about you or the dc - he is a selfish, self centered, lying, thieving sad apology of a man. he also has no problem taking the piss out of your family either.
i would suggest he moves out until he learns to or starts paying for the things that are his responsibility. i doubt he will. i think you're better off without him to be honest.
Yes, people can change, and some do. But realistically if having a family to provide for hasn't made him change, I'm not sure that anything will.
Op half the problem here and going forward is your choice of choosing men who are less financially stable than yourself.
Your child's father is a useless cocklodger and so you picked another one and married him. Once you've kicked the latest loser to the kerb maybe speak to someone about changing this pattern
Naice God when you put it like that, its really sinking in - Hard.
Because its been over the years and not months i think i minimised the impact it was having.I cant think straight. He does pay all the bills on time, including the numerous cc bills, only the interest mind (minus the rent obvs). The debt is from before he met me and when we've been together. He's been spending the rent money for DG and the money we should have been saving on several things like. Lunches at work, petrol, hair cuts (he is obsessed with getting his hair cut, every week, yes thats right) accessories for his hobby, cigarettes and a bottle of wine every sat night. Honestly i really don't know where the money is going because he doesn't go out anywhere. I did think he might be gambling but i can't find any evidence of that.
He's on his way home now so i know il have a long night ahead of me.
By the way thank you all for your support and words of wisdom, i really can't/dont want to talk to anyone in RL about this just yet.
Also I've been a single parent before and i know i can do it again, if it comes to it.
Guiltypleasure I recognised this pattern a while back but it was to late. It wouldn't take a psychologist to identify why i do this, i know, but thats another story.
I feel like as a Wife i should support him- for richer for poor and all that. I don't want another failed relationship or to start all over again especially when we are so well matched in every OTHER way, i think.
Good luck OP.
I absolutely couldn't live like things.
This man will drag you and your children further down.Financial difficulties happen through job loss but his debt is due to entitlement and selfishness.I know you feel ashamed but don't be, you have tried to do the right thing but its unlikely you can get financial stability with him.Be open with your family, its not your fault for trusting him.Its sickening that he put a watch over your gran's income! Truly despicable that he treated her with contempt.
My ex was similar, always worked but relied on others to bail him out.20 years on he is still the same, thankfully we did separate.
I think you need to ensure you enforce a boundary, get him to move out.He won't change on his own and may need therapy to deal with his sense of entitlement (or need to impress others with flashy goods) but make him own this Don't enable him further.
wheres the money going?
Cigerettes, lunch, bottle of wine.. you're looking at least at £10-15 a day for that. Add it up Crystal
He's spending at least £50-75 a week on this shit, add his haircut in and other little bits and pieces and you can bet he's spending nearly £300 a month on fripparies.. it all adds up! Add in the hobby spending and i bet you can up that to £400 a month.
"For richer for poorer" only imo references enjoying together times of success and managing hard times that you get through together. That's not what this man has done. He has let you, your dc and your grandmother go without basics whilst he has indulged himself with luxury items. This is not just about money but points to an attitude that he, and his wants, are more important than the needs of you and your dc. He is not a good man.
I had someone like this. I am massively better off without him in all areas of my life.
Can you REALLY love a man who has done this to you and your family? He sounds like a selfish arrogant idiot. Fancy just deciding he didn't want to pay the (subsidised) rent
I wouldn't be able to love someone I didn't respect. And I'm pretty sure he can't have much respect for you and your grandmother if he can treat you both in such a contemptuous way.
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