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I'm not ready for Hobbits Bar

(12 Posts)
Notgettingoverit Sat 11-Jul-15 11:59:53

So, this has taken me a long time to post. 7 months. All year I've been following Hobbits Bar and hoping so much that I won't end up in there sharing a drink with everyone. I want to be on the other thread talking to those who are making their relationships work.
My story. Together 11 years, married 2 with a young toddler. Right after NY's my DH left after announcing he was unhappy and had been for a long time. To say it was a complete and utter shock to me is an understatement. Even though he had left home, he did agree to counselling which we attended for a couple of months. It was only in these sessions that I feel I learnt what he was thinking.
Last year I found him texting an old friend and sharing with her his concerns about life. I was so upset and angry with him and didn't understand why he had offloaded to someone else rather than me. He said he hadn't been coping and with a young baby to look after, hadn't felt able to burden me. He started seeing a counsellor by himself and although he wouldn't tell me exactly what he discussed, he praised the system and after 2 months of weekly sessions, I thought we were back on track and we carried on with our life.
And then just over 6 months later he walked out. Looking back, I wish I hadn't been so blasé last year in thinking that everything was perfect, or taken it for granted that he loved me totally and nothing would ever change that.
So what I have I learnt this year. He seems to resent me a lot. Some maybe justified but is linked to incidents from years ago, before we married and which I thought had been put to bed. Others are such laughable reasons it makes me angry that he uses them as reasons to break up our family. His biggest mantra this year is that after being a 'people pleaser' his whole life, he realises this isn't who he wants to be anymore. On this side of things he has also attended CBT sessions and was seeing a private CBT / psychotherapist person to work on his self-esteem etc...
He finally told me 2 months ago that it's all completely over and there's nothing left for us anymore. Apparently, as much as he's worked on himself this year, he doesn't feel he'll ever be able to say 'no' to me and together he would revert to being the people pleaser he doesn't want to be.
There is someone else for him now. I don't know who or how long it has been going on as its none of my business! I do know he's just been away with them for nearly a fortnight.
My reason for posting now. Seeing him today when he came to pick up our DS and hearing he'd just come back from holiday with the OW, I still cry and beg him to see what he's doing. I still love him. I want more than everything for my family to be together again.
Because he's so good at sticking his head in the sand, he's living in a friends spare room whilst still paying everything in the family home. I'm a SAHM with no income apart from what he still pays me every month. Realistically, I know that this is all going to have to change but it's not a conversation I will ever start. Why would I when I'm doing such a great job convincing myself that he just needs a bit more time?!
I'm not sure what I'm asking you guys for. I've never posted on here despite having read hundreds of threads, but I just feel so trapped in a situation I desperately don't want to be in and I don't know what to do sad

ohlamour Sat 11-Jul-15 12:55:48

I'm so sorry for you. I know how horrible you feel. Nothing constructive to say, other than you need to think what's best for you & your DC. And of course, it WILL get better with time (says me who's still devastated four weeks into a split!). But everyone always says time is a great healer. Just face a day at a time xxx

Notgettingoverit Sat 11-Jul-15 13:16:25

But 7 months down the line I would still forgive him every hurtful thing he's said and done to me this year. I really can't see how it can get better.
He's building a new life whilst my social life is my DS's social life and every night I'm sat by myself replaying our life. It sucks.
Thanks though and good luck to you x

cubiclejockey Sat 11-Jul-15 13:20:29

Notgettingoverit, first of all, I am very sorry for your pain, which is evident in your post. I am sorry you are going through this.

I hope that soon you stop listening to his words and his self-justifying bullshit. He did not leave because he is a "people pleaser" or because he's afraid he can't say no to you and needs to work on himself. He is using that ridiculous rhetoric to blame you and to give himself permission to leave the marriage and see other people. He is being selfish and cruel. I especially despise the fact that he is raking over old relationship history just to find old stones that he can throw at you. Please stop listening to him. I hope that soon you can find your anger that can galvanize you and give you strength towards detatching from him.

For you may see him in person but he is long gone, I am afraid, and he is miles ahead of you in the whole process.

As the above poster has said, it is time to start turning the focus attention to yourself and your DC, and thinking of building your life without him. I know you don't feel like it's possible now, but you can do it, and you will eventually have a happy and fulfilled life. You will look back on this now, when you've disentangled your life from him, you will see through him, and you will even be glad that he no longer has emotional impact on you.

I know that others will soon be posting with their experiences and support and I wish you all the best. Know that you will come through all this and be fine, even if you don't feel that way at the moment.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Sat 11-Jul-15 13:23:15

Well that's not fair for starters. You both made the child so you should make more even arrangements so you get time to yourself too. I wonder if less men would be willing to walk away if more women did this. Since my split I actually have far more free time than I did when we were together. In fact, looking back, I never had free time when we were together!

Hobbitwife001 Sat 11-Jul-15 15:58:24

Hello, not , I'm Hobbit, owner of the bar, and let me first say how sorry I am that you are in this situation .

Secondly, he is not coming back I'm afraid, so please don't waste any more time or tears waiting for that to happen. He has made his decision, and although he went through counselling, it was all a pretence, he had no intention of staying and repairing your marriage.

He has already detached from you, that's how he can justify his excuse that he needs time for himself. He has moved further on in the process while you are still hoping for a reconciliation. Please look after yourself and focus now on your child and the happy future you can have together.

venetiaswirl Sat 11-Jul-15 16:58:04

You sound as if you're (still) in shock. I think that you need to try get in touch with your feelings - anger at how selfishly and appallingly he's treated you. It's all about him isn't it? And he's using every trick that he can to undermine your confidence and self belief so you still want to retrieve this relationship? He's just had 2 weeks away with an OW and you're still hoping that he'll change his mind?
It's incredibly hard facing up to reality but here you'll find a community of women who have had to do precisely that - face up to the fact that their often much loved OH has lied and cheated and abandoned them.
Do you have people in real life who you've been able to talk to? How have the children reacted to his disappearance?

Myturnnow4 Sat 11-Jul-15 17:32:29

Hi OP. My DP of 14 years left me last Sunday. I feel as you feel about Hobbit's Bar. Partly it's a bit too early for me so I'm waiting for the next one to roll around.

I don't have much more to give other than solidarity and flowers

Paddlingduck Sat 11-Jul-15 18:02:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WellWhoKnew Sat 11-Jul-15 19:47:08

Hello, another Hobbit's Bar regular coming along to say I'm sorry to read you're in this situation too. Seven months is no time at all to come to terms with a sudden abandonment (I'm at 15 months now...and it does get a easier: just twelve months ago I was in agony but now I'm just sore).

The trick to coping, in my humble opinion, is to cry frequently and not bottle it up for long periods. More importantly, try not to think about the long-term future as much as possible - leave that to take care of itself. Just focus on each day as it comes. We all know how hard it is, how lonely it can be, and how much effort even the simplest tasks take, but in little fits and starts we are all making progress.

The thing I've learnt from Hobbit's Bar Peeps is that they are lovely people in their own right who were married to vastly inferior people. We have nothing to be ashamed of.

And no bloody contact or Internet Stalking! 'tis my mantra.

Oh, and anything "he says" is a pile of shite.

Take care.

Notgettingoverit Sun 12-Jul-15 16:54:49

Thank you so much guys. I do have a lot of support in RL from both family and friends and I know deep down that it is just me and my DS from here on in. Maybe it's time I pop into the bar for a drink x

TheFormidableMrsC Sun 12-Jul-15 21:54:51

I am also just popping by although I have also said "hi" at Hobbits...I too am a regular...and also have a similarly painful set of threads to you.

I can tell you it does get better, I am nearly 2 years in, but have had to deal with a shocker of a story...and an utterly malicious OW to match. I remember exactly the pain you're feeling. I think being proactive with the divorce and finances helped me on my way....

We're all here...x

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