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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How to rebuild trust?

34 replies

Duggee · 11/07/2015 09:27

Dh and I have been married 7.5 years. He's a wonderful father, honest, great partner etc. We rarely argue and would say we have a good marriage.

Last week we had an argument. Dh done something out of character and I wanted to talk about it. I waited to the children were in bed to raise the subject and he completely blanked me and refused to talk. I started to feel frustrated as I was confused as to why he though not talking was ok! He went to bed and I sat downstairs stewing. So I rang a friend to talk about it. Dh came down, realised I was talking and all hell broke lose. He started getting really worked up about the fact I'd broken trust and told a friend about what happened. He was angry for about half an hour steaming with anger. He ripped his clothes off his back trashed my phone and slapped me and grabbed my face in separate episodes over the half an hour. I was petrified, it was so out of character. After he claimed down properly 2 hours later he was so so remorseful. Said he's damaged our relationship and hoped I could forgive him.

I'm still feeling afraid and he's tried to initiate sex and I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I don't know how to build the trust again.

OP posts:

Report

KatieScarlettreregged · 11/07/2015 09:31

Who says you have to?
Him?
If I had been assaulted, terrified and had my property destroyed by my DH he would now be in a police cell.
And as for expecting sex?
That would be a hell no.

CoolAs10Fonzies · 11/07/2015 09:33

oh my. its not for you to rebuild the trust.
I would put some space between you, if this was a one off and completely out of character then you need to make a stand right now that this behaviour will not be tolerated.

YouBastardSockBalls · 11/07/2015 09:33

You shouldn't be expected to build trust again after someone had broken it so spectacularly.

He's a bastard.

cailindana · 11/07/2015 09:35

So he did something you were concerned about, you tried to talk about it and he wouldn't so you talked to a friend and he assaulted you and smashed your phone? And at a later stage tried to have sex with you?

There is no trust to built here. He attacked you. You need to leave him. This will happen again.

CoolAs10Fonzies · 11/07/2015 09:35

did you ever get to the bottom of the initial concern?
or has that been completely forgotten about due to his violent outburst?

I would still be wondering what exactly made my partner assault me in our home while out children slept

he needs to leave you alone for a bit. You need space

Duggee · 11/07/2015 09:39

No he didn't try for sex on that night. But asked for it a couple of nights ago. He has since talked about the origanal problem.

OP posts:

cailindana · 11/07/2015 09:41

It doesn't matter when he asked for it. He clearly doesn't think he's done much wrong if he thinks you'll have sex with him.

CoolAs10Fonzies · 11/07/2015 09:41

so you have forgiven him for assaulting you?

Duggee · 11/07/2015 09:44

I don't know if I've forgiven him. But I've moved in from it yes, sleeping in the same bed etc

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KatieScarlettreregged · 11/07/2015 09:44

Whoopee.
He's talked has he? Talked about why he thought it was acceptable to assault you? Talked about why he is an abusive arsehole? Sought help for his issues? Moved out until he learns to deal with his obvious anger? Encouraged you to contact WA to understand why you are still there?
And has the fucking audacity to expect you to lie down for a forgive me fuck?

BananaRaces · 11/07/2015 09:45

I'm afraid his behaviour means you need to leave him. Not only did he lay a hand on you, which only needs to happen once for a huge line to be crossed which can never be undone, he also tried to have sex with you afterwards! That is SO far away from what he should have done that it speaks volumes about him. That he can have thought that after being assaulted you would be in the mood for sex is shocking. I would be telling you to leave after the assault, but couple that with the fact that seeing you frightened and hitting you seems to have somehow turned him on... GET OUT NOW!

Duggee · 11/07/2015 09:46

I want him to seek some kind of help to make sure it never gets to that point again, but he hasn't done it. I don't know what im even after for him to do about it.

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Duggee · 11/07/2015 09:48

Just to re iterate he did not want sex in that same day. He was remorseful. He wanted sex days later and was 100% fine when I declined.

OP posts:

BananaRaces · 11/07/2015 09:49

Sorry, cross-post, just seen the attempted sex didn't happen straight afterwards. That's less shocking, but still speaks volumes about how little weight he gives your feelings! Nobody gets to hit you and then make it OK with sex... Leave him OP. Really, leave him now.

KatieScarlettreregged · 11/07/2015 09:50

You can want all you like, it won't change a thing. By staying, you are telling him his behaviour is what you are willing to accept.
The only acceptable level of abuse is none (not my saying, but the truth nonetheless).

Duggee · 11/07/2015 09:53

I honestly thought the same as most of you when I read posts on here about domestic violence, until it's my own dh. There's no way I could throw my marriage away for that incidence. Maybe I would if he beat me or something but there were no marks or anything serious. Just the shock that he could do something like that has thrown me. And I want to try and rebuild things. I was so happy just last week.

OP posts:

KatieScarlettreregged · 11/07/2015 09:56

Well get set for more of the same.
If your hard line is not abuse, then what is?

Penfold007 · 11/07/2015 09:56

I wouldn't be able to forgive that sort of behaviour.

BananaRaces · 11/07/2015 09:59

The other thing is that if you stay with him this assault will stay with you, in the back of your mind. Anytime you disagree with him about anything, anytime you are talking to a friend on the phone, you won't be able to be yourself fully in case he does it again. He has changed your relationship completely. You'll be walking on eggshells if you stay, and I hate to say it but if he can do it once he can do it again. Get some real life support and get out, this is no way to live.

Duggee · 11/07/2015 10:00

Not that I've ever smacked my children, but I've read on here mums asking for support as they've lost it and want it to not happen again and the responses have been helpful, not give your child up for adoption you terrible abuser! I don't see it as abuse as I think that has to be on going. This was a one off incidence, terrible yes and it has damaged our relationship definitely. But I don't think its ready to throw down the pan.

OP posts:

cailindana · 11/07/2015 10:01

So what is your DH doing to sort this out?

KatieScarlettreregged · 11/07/2015 10:03

Straw man argument love.
These situations are not comparable. Does your man have a current thread looking for help? Is he frantically looking for ways to understand and change his behaviours? Has he?

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BananaRaces · 11/07/2015 10:05

The trouble is that every other woman who stays in an abusive relationship will have said "well I'm sure it was a one off, he'd never do it again".... Last week you were sure he'd never do it at all...

Duggee · 11/07/2015 10:05

No :-( he hasn't.

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KatieScarlettreregged · 11/07/2015 10:10

I'm sorry, I'm really not looking to upset you. But you can't wave a magic wand to make this better. If you could, this board would not exist. You have to understand how bad this is and how sweeping it under the carpet is the worst thing you can do for you all. For him too.
He needs a motivation for change. By maintaining the status quo he has none.
I'm so sorry, you deserve none of this.

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