Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help me, feeling so sad

(26 Posts)
glassgirl Fri 10-Jul-15 22:05:17

I've just broken up after over 2 years together, and I'm in bits.
He has MH issues, mainly anxiety. He wasn't at all romantic, but I used to think he cared but recently that's not been the case - withdrawn, texting other women secretly, Facebook messages, very selfish and forceful in bed
I did lots for him, sorted paperwork, cooked, and generally really cared because I loved him so much
I know that he was hard work, but I honestly thought it would come good
I loved him so much and the thought of never being able to touch him again is unbearable.
I just want to be with him again. I think it's worth putting up with it all just to be with him. I miss him so much.

oabiti Fri 10-Jul-15 22:10:23

Bless you. I felt exactly the same about an ex of mine. We were together, on & off, for almost six years & have a child together.

I never, ever thought I would get over it all. But my need for happiness outweighed his need to lie, cheat, text other women. I know I've done the right thing. Even more so when I was told he had moved in with some other woman a few days after our split hmm

It will get easier, op. Trust me smile

Wideopenspace Fri 10-Jul-15 22:11:00

That sounds really difficult glass. It also sounds as though you have lots of compelling reasons why this was the best decision for you.

It is never ok to 'put up' with someone being 'forceful' in bed, unless you have specifically consented, which does not sound like it is the case.

How long ago did you break up with him? Is it very fresh?

tribpot Fri 10-Jul-15 22:18:04

You've invested an awful lot of emotional energy in this relationship, I think to the exclusion of caring properly about your own needs. You've put him first in everything and now that he's gone you're bereft.

However, the person you need to be caring for now is you. You are worth the investment of time and energy and he, sadly, is not.

glassgirl Fri 10-Jul-15 22:23:15

Yes, we only broke up this evening. I was all calm and I know, really deep down, that it wasn't right.
But honestly, when it was good it was so good. We just clicked. I just can't believe I've thrown it away.
It's not the first time we've been through this and we've got back together before, but this time seems different somehow, and I can't bear it. I just want to text him and say we can try again. I just want to be with him.

tribpot Fri 10-Jul-15 22:27:23

But I'm sorry to say he clearly doesn't feel the same about you. What you've described in your first post is a horrible person who could not possibly give you proper love and care. He has taken everything you have to give.

ReallyNotAMorningPerson Fri 10-Jul-15 22:30:05

I'm so sorry glass flowers

I've also been there. One thing that I honestly think will help you to get over someone with intimacy issues is to go and look at the website Baggage Reclaim.

You're feeling heartbroken now and it may be too soon, but in a day or too when you're thinking more clearly, please have a look.

You're much, much better off without someone like that in your life. But for whatever reason you did love him. But the website will show you that often we love people that we shouldn't. And we're better off without them.

Wideopenspace Fri 10-Jul-15 22:30:37

Do you have a close friend who you cold talk to? Preferably one who will come over with a tub of ice cream and stay with you. Who will also confiscate your phone so you can't text him...

Seriously. No contact for 4 weeks. Then see how you feel.

glassgirl Fri 10-Jul-15 22:36:56

I know he doesn't. He kept saying it was his anxiety that made him behave this way. And that was enough because I thought he cared and it would come in time, if I was patient and didn't push him
I tried so hard, I really did. I forgave him for his texts to other women - which he changed names for on his phone - because he said he needed the ego boost
I cooked for him, brought him little presents and honestly I can't see what more I could have done
I'm approaching 46 and reading posts on here about the serious lack of nice men over 45 made me just want to try hard and lower my expectations, and take what happiness I had with this man.

glassgirl Fri 10-Jul-15 22:42:41

Thank you really I will look at that in time
I know he sounds awful but I can't explain it, there was just something about him that I really cared about
I can't imagine not texting him for four hours, let alone four weeks wide.
We live so close, and saw each other all the time. How on earth am I going to get through this?

butterflygirl15 Fri 10-Jul-15 22:51:51

A forceful cheat who blames his awful behaviour on anxiety? You cannot fix him and you deserve so much better than this don't you think?

ReallyNotAMorningPerson Fri 10-Jul-15 22:53:39

You will get through it. You really will.

Texting other women etc for an ego boost is not acceptable. You deserve better than that. Yes it's hard to meet people, but you deserve better. When you've looked at that website, have a read of the book Attached, too (these things all helped me get over my commitment-phobe years ago).

I was so upset back then - yet I never even think twice about him now.

You're craving him and you put up with his behaviour because you may have attachment issues (not wishing to diagnose of course).

When you're feeling stronger, have a read around these things and you may be surprised.

ohlamour Fri 10-Jul-15 23:33:29

Hi OP, I'm sitting in my bed crying my heart out over a man who sounds exactly like your Partner! I'm early 40s, divorced & couldn't believe my luck when I meet him.nothing's were perfect for about a year, them his true self outed. Like you I poured myself into helping him,making his dinner, listening to his endless problems. Then he started turning nasty, very subtle at first then onto full blown tantrums, storming off & being verbally abusive. I've got 2 dc & I had to end it as I didn't want it to affect them. I've done 31 days NC & it's AWFUL. In fact I'm sitting here crying thinking about him, how is miss his touch & how he made me feel at first. Then my head takes over & TELLS me I made the right decision for me & my dc. I know I will get over it eventually but man, it bloody hurts like hell. I have read lots of the Baggage Reclaim stuff & it is really helpful. You are not alone. Xxxx

thewinterqueen Fri 10-Jul-15 23:40:59

Take some time for yourself darling. Time is a healer hugs

LadyB49 Fri 10-Jul-15 23:46:40

Nearly 46 is nothing.... honestly.
I left my ex after 22 years aged 46 and felt ancient.

Without trying and not interested. - Two years later met my now husband who is 5 years younger. Don't settle for second best, please.

glassgirl Sat 11-Jul-15 00:23:23

ohlamour 31 days NC is really good, I'm so impressed you managed that. I just know I'm not going to
I've tried to sleep but it's not happening. I will read all the things people recommend but all I want is the relationship we used to have.
I tried so hard, I was so patient and tried everything to be there in the way he wanted me to. His anxiety seemed to get the blame for everything - I got music to help him sleep, researched alternative methods for him, went to the doctor and arranged counselling
He kept saying I deserved better but I didn't want better, I wanted him
I just want the morning to come so I can text him. I know I'll let everyone down if I do, but I can't cope without him. I feel panicky and sick and tense.

Ouchbloodyouch Sat 11-Jul-15 07:24:43

Get a grip. Seriously is this the best you can do? What did he ever do for you? How did he make you feel loved and cherished?
You fussed around trying to 'fix' him. You can't make someone love you.
I know it hurts I've been there too. Trying to Florence Nightingale my 'man' into loving me. I've read baggage reclaim extensively.
That coupled with the passing of time means I am no longer the sappy doormat I was.
Don't call or text. Block his number. If you feel the urge to call or message him post here.
He sounds an absolute tosser. You forgiving his texting other women has put you down in his estimations He doesn't see you as a woman of high value. He thinks you're a sap. The cheek of him.
The good news is that by working on your self esteem and boundaries you will attract a better type of man.
Now woman up. Start reading and working on the fabulous new you.

ohlamour Sat 11-Jul-15 12:17:20

Hi glass girl - yes 31 days & it's been such a struggle but I know it's the right thing. Doesn't mean I don't miss him, cry all the time & want to see him - I do! BUT I know it wasn't going anywhere & he wasn't treating me with the respect I deserved. If you want to break free of the cycle you've got to try NC & work through your feelings. Yes it's hard, but ultimately it's the right thing. Good luck!

colabottlefiend Sat 11-Jul-15 16:48:04

(Namechanged to respond to this.)
You could be me 5 years ago. It is so, so hard and I know it's not always as easy as 'getting a grip'.
I think you need to understand that the way you are feeling now is a result of two things. 1) it is highly probable you are codependent and so until you research this and tackle this behaviour in yourself you will find it difficult to move on and even if you do, this will happen again with someone else.
2) you are also simultaneously experiencing 'slot machine syndrome' where you have invested so much in the relationship you cannot imagine walking away from it in case soon there is a massive payout. You have poured your whole soul into trying to help the person and leaving them is like removing a part of yourself and casting it off. It is hell. I understand. This is also a symptom of codependency though. And horrible though it is, the truth is there will be no payout. It is never coming.

This is like an illness, it isn't like your ordinary run of the mill breakup. Have you read the limerence thread on here? You are addicted to this person, they are like a drug and you are crying for your next fix even though in your more lucid moments you can see the damage they are doing to you. You try and stop but after a while the withdrawal symptoms kick in and you are crying and begging for a bit of respite. It is like kicking any addiction.
I also remember that feeling you wrote about: "He kept saying I deserved better but I didn't want better, I wanted him". I have been there a few times.

Ultimately when you are caretaking to this degree your own needs are completely unmet. Your sense of outrage at this will be so removed right now that you will be only dimply aware of this, but what about you? What about your needs? Your feelings? Why is he more important than you are?
I second the recommendation for Baggage Reclaim, I found it very helpful when I was suffering all those years ago and read it obsessively.

I so hope you find peace. Some things that helped me:
Loving other people as friends so he wasn't the only person in my world.
Not beating myself up if I couldn't manage no contact and trying again and again.
Writing in a journal and blog so I could get all my feelings and thoughts out of my head.
Allowing myself wallowing time each day and then outside of that time not thinking of him so much, stopping thoughts using distraction when they arose.
Accepting that I would always love him but that didn't equate to it working out and didn't mean I should ruin my life trying to meet his needs.
Accepting that he was very sick and I couldn't help him. This was a biggie. Seriously, go on the mental health section here or elsewhere. You will read over and over, you can't MAKE someone better with the power of your love.
Reading about codependency and realising what I was doing, recognising patterns.

The best of luck to you. You'll get there.

Wideopenspace Sat 11-Jul-15 17:35:01

How's it going today OP?

ReallyNotAMorningPerson Sat 11-Jul-15 18:15:11

Agreed colabottle - good post.

ohlamour Sat 11-Jul-15 19:32:22

Cola bottle - amazing! That's has really helped me too. Thank you! flowers

UncertainSmile Sat 11-Jul-15 19:38:20

colabottlefiend, that's a very wise post.

glassgirl Sat 11-Jul-15 20:22:28

cola your post is so true, I identify with everything you are saying. The slot machine part really rings true.
Thank you so much. I know I'll read your post over and over again

wide - it's tough. Saw him in the distance walking his dog today and it was a physical blow, like I'd just been kicked in the stomach.

My life feels as though it's stretching ahead of me, an empty void. My two children are both off in the big wide world and it's just me, I get all short of breath and panicky when I think I'm on my own again. I can't imagine ever being with anyone else, I just don't want to

Your support means so much to me, I wish you were RL friends.

rubyroux Sat 11-Jul-15 20:46:54

Here have some flowers. It's shit, it really is. Is there anything you can do that's in no way connected to him? Can you start watching a new show on netflix or go round to someone's house to cry/ vent? I totally get the short or breath and panicky feeling, it's like a tightness in your chest that seems to constrict you for a few minutes when you think about not being with him anymore. Try have an early night, you might find you zap out if you're emotionally exhausted x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now