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40, single no children and worried about my parents health

(6 Posts)
creativeme Fri 10-Jul-15 22:05:08

Im feeling a tad weird, ok maybe the word depressed may be better than weird, but its hitting me hard this year more than ever. I turned 40 in Feb earlier this year and instead of celebrating with friends and partying like most of my friends did, I was wanting to curl up with a book and forget I turned 40.

What didnt help, was that I split from my partner a year and a half ago and been single since, but he just moved on within 2 months and off he goes. I am not upset more jealous he has found someone so quickly...(as they do!)

I have a great job I love, work for myself, my own house, car and very healthy lifestyle, don't really drink, play tennis twice a week, gym everyday and love my chilled lifestyle. I have dated quite a bit this year but, whats worrying me is my fussiness is getting worse, or its getting harder since I hit 40. I think I intimidate them because of my lifestyle, (I hope not)..and when I was in my 20's and 30's Im sure men preferred me being a tad nice but dim....well more I didnt know where i was going in life and just drifted. I never challenged anything.

My friends have a different life to me, they are still out drinking, have children and are either with married men, long term partners and we have nothing to talk about anymore, its like we are also drifting apart there. So my best friend really is my mum, but starting to think, "this isn't healthy when she passes, try and make new friends and build your confidence there!" which I am trying to do slowly and its ok.

My parents are lovely, dad is 72, mum 68, as they have been fantastic parents, this is the first time in 40 years I have thought, " I have nothing to show them for their great effort in life of raising me!" I wish I was settled, I wasn't always that settled in life until now. I am a quiet person who just gets on with things, but suffer from anxious thoughts (just recently) about my parents and being left on my own. (hope this isn't selfish thoughts here).

When I am with my friends I am ok and don't have time to think abut this so much, so try and do more enjoyable things, but when I am with my parents, I start to feel down but only recently, its like the 40 bomb shell hit me. Mum is healthy, has high Cholesterol, arthritis but does pilates and yoga everyday and eats very well, she has a lovely lifestyle. Dad has had a hip operation, knee operation, high blood pressure and still plays golf 3 times a week. Both are slower in their actions and noticing it more over this year.

Anyway, on a good note, I enjoy my life, (won't bore you too much) but not sure what brings happiness with men anymore and dating and will I ever find the one after 40 and no children of my own, has anyone experienced this with a good story or going through simiiar perhaps?......

(sigh), I don't think I am depressed its more loneliness and anxiety over my mum and dad leaving me....something i use to suffer with even when I was 20 when going to University!


Lulioli Fri 10-Jul-15 22:23:14

Hi. I think your Mum and Dad are very proud of raising such a successful, solvent, bright, independent daughter. Are you an only child? Sounds like you re putting yourself under huge pressure. You enjoy your life, you ve achieved a lot more than most. A wobble at the beginning of a new decade is very normal. Your parents sound fit and well. But maybe you ve become a little dependent on them?? There are lots of lovely men out there just looking for someone like you. Believe in yourself. You sound great! ��

creativeme Fri 10-Jul-15 22:25:06

Thank you, that did bring a tear to my eyes, thats very kind, I am being hard on myself but will remember what you have said....and yes I have been very dependent on them more so my mum and i feel its not fair on her now and want to see that they are well looked after as well as seeing my settled, that is really what they want at the end of the day! thank you again x

lilacblossomtime Fri 10-Jul-15 22:40:14

It's natural to re-evaluate your life when you hit 40. I think especially if you want kids. I am turning 40 this year and it does make you think about things. For me it is wanting to improve my health.

Like you I am close to my mum and worry about what I would do if I lost her as I don't have many friends. However I do think you can't worry too much or you will spoil the present.

I met my Dh quite young, and had my dd 10 years ago so I was less experienced in life than now and made a lot of mistakes. I do think there are a lot of advantages to being more mature when you marry and have kids. So if that is what you want to do now may be the perfect time.

Duckdeamon Fri 10-Jul-15 22:47:34

Agree that coming up to 40 is a strange time.

"I have nothing to show them for their great effort in life of raising me!"

You sound like you have a good life and a good relationship with your parents in addition, not too shabby!

Zillie77 Fri 10-Jul-15 23:11:55

Dear Creativeme,

I want to say that as a mother of four children I feel that they are under absolutely no obligation live their lives in any particular way as adults, except in the way that suits them best. You have plenty to show your mother and father for raising you-you are a well-adjusted adult, that is all that any parent could hope for!! I pray that my kids turn out as well as you have.

Maybe this slight ebb in energy that you are having is an opportunity for you to take stock of your life and think about some things you might like to acheive in the next decade. Would you like to have children in your life and in what way? What type of friendships would you like to have? Would you like to have new activities, more travel, different types of dating experiences? What kind of things can you do to find the love of your life?

The dark side of loving and being close to someone is the ever-present reality of the inevitability of loss, and we can't get away from it. We don't have to think about it 24/7 but it will pop into our minds now and then. I never loved my mother (she had a mental illness and was a terrible mother and so when she died I felt relief rather than grief) but I must say that when I hear people talk about their fear of losing their parents I think good for you! because I think it is terrific that people have healthy and strong relationships with their parents.

Have a marvelous weekend. Spend the whole weekend in bed with a book if you need to. flowers

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