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Why does this always end up as an argument? Please help

(138 Posts)
Sleepyhoglet Fri 10-Jul-15 20:31:59

Yes, it's that age old problem- housework. We've just had another argument about it and DH has said that most people would think I don't do enough. Am I impressed?! Pretty peeved off.

I'm on maternity leave while he works 4.5 days a week. Due to the problems I suggested a few months back that we set ourself a manageable target of bathrooms being cleaned once a week (by me- floors, loos etc) and that the house is hoovered once a week (by him) and that hear jobs can be done anytime.

He says that given I'm on mat leave he shouldn't be expected to do 50% of the housework.

Given that I've stepped up since having the baby (do more washing and cooking) I think this is a bit rich. I make all the baby's food and meal plan and make most of our food.

He's too lazy to iron any of his clothes despite having to wear a shirt to work (has non iron ones) and this argument kicked off because I asked him to move his shirts from the ironing basket.

Am in in the wrong to think he's being a twat?

Sleepyhoglet Fri 10-Jul-15 20:38:14

Everyone is now sulking

Anniegetyourgun Fri 10-Jul-15 20:38:23

Vacuuming the floors once a week is half the housework? My word, if that's the case you really don't do much. still more than me Apart from looking after a new baby of course, which is what maternity leave is for (something that appears to have escaped your DH's notice).

Sleepyhoglet Fri 10-Jul-15 20:40:18

Baby is now 7 months but does that make a difference? I'm just really sad that I'm trying to make things manageable and I'm being blamed for taking some initiative.

Sleepyhoglet Fri 10-Jul-15 20:41:32

In fact it seems like he doesn't take ANY initiative over hardly any aspects of our life

RubbishMantra Fri 10-Jul-15 20:42:42

He thinks that vacuuming is half the housework??!

You're not in the wrong, and I agree he is a twat.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Fri 10-Jul-15 20:42:48

What a wanker

Candlefairy101 Fri 10-Jul-15 20:47:05

To be honest when I'm on maternity, I don't ask my husband to clean anything, his jobs are work, bath kids and put one to be (I do the other) I have 2 children and one on the way, several dogs so I have to hover once a day and polish every other, otherwise it would just get on top of me.

I don't understand with you at home and with one child that your arguing over hovering and a bathroom clean once a week!

In my options as log as he helps you 50/50 with the child:kids when you get home, your 'job' is to take care off the house and cooking and his 'job' is to bring money in (at the moment) obviously this will change when you go back to work it will all become 50:50 but for now you should have more than enough time to clean and over more than once a week shock

Sleepyhoglet Fri 10-Jul-15 20:47:16

To be clear I don't do a lot either. We are both crap but it seems lowering the standards hasn't made it any easier.

Bogeyface Fri 10-Jul-15 20:47:52

I would be inclined to point out that its called MATERNITY leave, for MATERNITY issues such looking after the baby. It is not called HOUSEWORK leaving, and until the day it is, you will be doing 50%.

Sleepyhoglet Fri 10-Jul-15 20:51:37

Candlefairy what happens when you go back to work?

Sleepyhoglet Fri 10-Jul-15 20:52:32

And how on earth do you hover with 2 children? I can't leave dd for more than 30 seconds!

ShebaShimmyShake Fri 10-Jul-15 20:53:00

Make him spend one day looking after the baby alone while you go out for whatever hours he is gone for in the working week. Then he can see if he could do full housework on top of that, every day. Does he do any childcare when he is home?

He thinks hoovering once a week is too much for him, what a lazy dick.

Sleepyhoglet Fri 10-Jul-15 20:56:26

He's good with the baby but I'm sick of him thinking that he needs a medal for changing her nappy. Yes, I know when you get is after 6 and are tired all you want is a cup of tea and a sit down but I've been waiting desperately to hand the baby over having bathed her and changed 4 poopy nappies and she's all wriggly and I just need a break from the sticky warm person!

MythicalKings Fri 10-Jul-15 21:06:12

I did all the housework when I was a SAHM and DH took over the cooking at the weekends and did bedtimes.

He needed some time to just sit when he got in after a stressful commute but after some down time was happy to do baths and bedtimes.

Sleepyhoglet Fri 10-Jul-15 21:08:14

He's now telling me that if I asked other people how much they did on mat leave id be shocked. Well yes, I might be shocked by some, but to me surely bfeeding (or ff if that's what you are doing), snuggling, weaning, bathing, nappy changing, taking to groups, playing and general day to day house (cooking lunch/ sweeping up flies) is ok....

He gets so bloody defensive and sulky which makes me wonder

Sully80 Fri 10-Jul-15 21:10:15

I've just gone back to work after seven months maternity leave and DH has taken over childcare. Day 1 I arrived home to "How do you get anything done?". Maybe your DH needs a spell of childcare duty wink

Sleepyhoglet Fri 10-Jul-15 21:12:29

He has looked after baby one day a week sometimes but the problem is that's not the same as being with her constantly every other day and realising how draining that can be regardless of even if you are just at home.

MythicalKings Fri 10-Jul-15 21:13:00

Maybe you should pay a cleaner?

Fearless91 Fri 10-Jul-15 21:13:48

It amazes me some of the comments on here!

Can you imagine if those who are calling him a wanker or a twat went onto a men's forum and read it from his perspective and the replies were "oh what a bitch!" "Wow she's such a twat" you would all be labelling them sexist/abusive!!

I completely agree with candlefairy

You're at home - you do the housework.
He goes to work - he earns the money for you all.

When/if you return to work it will be different of course.

And yes it's maternity leave but that doesn't mean you just look after the baby. You look after the house etc.

it's a bit of a pisstake if he's leaving his stuff lying around and yes he should be picking up after himself. But personally I think you should be doing the house work while he's at work. Not expecting him to go out working all day and then come home to vaccume.

HazleNutt Fri 10-Jul-15 21:14:37

I'm on mat leave with DC2, and I certainly don't think Dh could just sit on his arse when he gets home. Maternity leave is for looking after the baby, anything else if I have time. when DH was a SAHD with DC1, I didn't think it was fair for me to sit on my arse after work either, and him to do it all.

GizzyTiedToATree Fri 10-Jul-15 21:14:46

I sympathise. The issue of housework nearly broke our marriage. In 2012-2013 I found myself with 2 homeschooled children and a high-needs baby who never slept and had to be held or breastfed all the time. DH worked longed hours during the week, had lie-ins and naps at the weekends, and complained that the house was not kept to his standards. I very, very nearly left him.

I still think that cleaning the bathroom and hoovering once and week can easily be done with a 7-month-old. I spent 2 years hoovering with the hoover in one hand and the baby on the opposite hip.

backtoworkblues Fri 10-Jul-15 21:15:09

My ds is 7.5 months old and I have just gone back to work full time (4 days in office, 1 day from home). My dh works slightly less hours but shift work. We have pretty much split housework and childcare 50/50. My main advice is to engage dc into your housework, my ds is fascinated with the hoover and 'happily' sits in his Walker watching me. Or leave him outside bathroom with door open playing peekaboo. Also I find doing my housework first thing in the morning means that ds is in a good mood and easily entertained. Not much help with dh sorry, men can be stubborn!

petalsandstars Fri 10-Jul-15 21:17:29

Yep. Until he does it himself he just won't want to get it. As his life hasn't really changed. If you were with school aged dc then maybe you'd do it all as SAHP but mat leave is because you have a baby to look after!

Stubbed Fri 10-Jul-15 21:17:42

It's not housewife leave, it's maternity leave. I didn't do the housework (had a cleaner) but I didn't do other chores either, my husband did them all.

Dd had reflux and neither of us got any sleep. Ds was 20 months when she was born. Both in reusable nappies so really I took charge of washing but did little else.

I'm not lazy, either, but I was exhausted. Tell your husband that. No housework!

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